Dating a guy with issues and doubts about himself. He’s depressed and needs more time before he talks to me again.

Pinky20 · ‎16-01-2019

Hi all,

I’m new to this and I signed up desperately looking for answers.

So my story is I’ve been seeing this lovely guy for 6 months and I think is safe to say that I’ve fallen for him. We’ve been seeing each other consistently but suddenly things went downhill during our weekend together. Admittedly we had arguments during the time we’ll It’s actually kind of petty but something happened the night before he turned cold turkey. Previously, he’s always brought up about his “bad” past and last relationship where his ex cheated on him with his cousin. However for the first time that night he revealed that he was so close to killing himself when he found out about his ex and his cousin and I felt that was the catalyst. Out of the blue he said he just wanted to be friends with no more intimacy but contradicted himself multiple times telling me that he likes me a lot and doesn’t want me to leave. I tried to walk away from him but he wouldn’t let me go. He kept trying to force “don’t decide yet, use time to think” on me when I was very adamant to leave solely because I have feelings for him and is hard to be friends.

In the past he’s said that he likes me but just can’t do relationships. Never gave reasons why. The problem is, we are practically in a relationship without the actual label. He would say negative things like, “I will die alone”, “If it makes you feel any better, I will never be in a relationship”, “Don’t let stupid old me be in your way”, etc. He’s really insecure and just not happy with himself.

Eventually he admitted that he needs space and time to think before he talks to me again. I agreed to give him space because I needed it too. I broke the no-contact rule because I was ready and realised how much I actually love him and wanted to tell him but then I discovered he spiraled out of control during our short break. He started smoking again (he quit for more than 10 years), got high and drank (when he planned to stop drinking for at least 6 months). I asked him if he’s ok and he said, “I don’t care anymore. I’m losing my mind. I haven’t slept for more than 2 days”. I managed to get him to sleep but he’s still pushing me away telling me he needs more time and for me to not worry about him but concentrate on myself. He assured me we will talk again after I told him that I’m worried and I miss talking to him. He wants another week of space and I really want to give him space but I can’t help but feel hopeless. What should I do?

Guest_7403 · ‎16-01-2019

He's clearly been triggered by you in regards to what happened with his ex.

Because he hasn't dealt with it, he brings it with him to this relationship.

Sounds like classic fear of abandonment, he's trying to test and push you away to see if you'll stay

Drinking, smoking etc is his coping technique because he hasn't developed healthy techniques to deal with the trauma he experienced

I'd try and remain open to him, empathetic but not sympathetic. And tell him to try psychologist counselling with him, in which you'll be there too support him

Best of luck

Pinky20 · ‎17-01-2019

Hmm I suppose you’re right because the closer we get, the more cold he becomes. He’s always wanted me to push him because he admits that he can get “lazy” and not think clearly for himself. He sees me as a positive influence and when I’m not there, he spirals out of control. With his drinking, smoking and doing drugs, he told me not to think into it too much because it wasn’t that bad. I told him that it was out of character and I hope he can really see that it was and that I care so much for him that is affecting my mental health. Is really hard for me because I keep getting mixed signals from him — he’s very hot and cold and I’m afraid I will lose patience. He told me he needs another week before we speak again. He’s been purposely trying to ignore my messages and I just don’t know what to do now. I really want to give him space but I’m just afraid he will never be ready like he says.

LeeA18 · ‎17-01-2019

I can relate to what you are saying. I thought I was reading about my ex.

He seems to have a lot of work to do on himself. Whether that’s while he is in a relationship or being single, that’s up to him.

i have to agree with The Borderline. You do seem like you might trigger something in him. I believe that’s what happened with my ex. He has issues that he needs sorting out or else this pattern will continue in every relationship going forward. I haven’t spoken to my ex for a few months now. It’s been better for my headspace. I’ve been able to sort myself out and been reading up on mental health. I still care for my ex, he is a wonderful guy when he is well.

Pinky20 · ‎17-01-2019

I think me being myself triggered him because he thinks I’m too precious/good for him and I suppose it overwhelmed him and made him hit a brick wall.

I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out well between you and your ex. I want to stay hopeful because I don’t want to lose my friendship with him either, especially when things went from 0 to 100 so suddenly. I’m trying to stay patient and I told him that I have belief in him to sort out his issues. I’m just afraid this space will prolong and I can’t guarantee if I have the patience to sit around and wait until he’s ready to talk again. I don’t know if there’s much I can do other than wait. I’ve given him reassurance and it seems to have lifted his mood/tone a bit.

LeeA18 · ‎18-01-2019

It can be hard to navigate. Just continue living your life and when he is ready, he’ll contact you.

Pinky20 · ‎18-01-2019

Is it a common trait for someone depressed to purposely ignore my message? I sent him a message to check up on him a few days ago via Snapchat and I could see he was opening other people’s snaps except for mine. I sent him another message the next day asking if my last message was sent through or if he’s ignoring me. He finally opened and responded and admitted, “I was leaving it so I’m not gonna lie”. It kind of hurt me knowing he was intentionally trying to ignore me. So I asked is it because he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again? I also told him that I’m trying hard to make things ok again so is leaving me hopeless. He responded back asking for more time, just give him another week and reassured me we will talk soon. Strangely he even used a smiley emoji after I told how I felt about this ordeal. So is it common for him to ignore me but not others because I “triggered” him? It makes me feel bad and that he has something against me.

JessF · ‎18-01-2019

Hello Pinky20, I'm sorry to say but statements like "I like you but I just can't do relationships" are a red flag. It feels like you make be hanging on with the belief you can 'fix' or change this attitude. I can see in this thread that you are spending an awful lot of time concerned about his needs and his feelings, at the expense of your own.

Six months is a relatively short amount of time. If I were in your situation, I would be cutting my losses and moving on. Sometimes when we fall for someone, we can be projecting the ideal of what we want them to be rather than looking at who they actually are. This is not a person who is capable of providing you with mutual love and support at this time.

It might also be worth taking some time to examine why you are so attracted to this person, in spite of how you've been treated, and think about your past relationships to see if a similar pattern is there. Sometimes when we don't feel so good about ourselves, we can be drawn to people who reject us because deep down we don't believe we are deserving of being loved and respected for who we are. As a former 'rescuer', this is something I can identify with.

Pinky20 · ‎18-01-2019

Hi Jess, thanks for replying back. I always saw it as a red flag hence why I often don’t disclose much to him as he does to me because I think I’m self-consciously protecting myself. I told him that is better we go our separate ways but he kept trying to stall me from doing that and that’s what makes it really hard and confusing for me. I even gave him the option to call it the quits if he doesn’t want to talk to me again. Once again he won’t let me go and says he needs more time.

I know 6 months sounds relatively short. I honestly didn’t expect to see him this long because in the past I’ve always been in casual relationships. In fact I’ve never been in a relationship nor have I ever liked a guy this much. Everything I feel for him is so foreign to me. We were seeing each other almost every week. I became so involved in his life, helping him with his taxes and sorting out his finances because he couldn’t face his family and friends. There was one time he had a panic attack at work and he was freaking out but he trust me to calm him down. He’s got many issues but he’s made compromises for me many times and that’s why I like him because he’s a fighter and he actually listens to me. Like I said, I’ve never been in a real relationship before but there’s something about him that I can’t even describe. All I know is that I love him enough to want him to be happy and safe and be the guy I’ve always known in the last 6 months. This is why I feel hopeless that I can’t help him and pick his brain. I’m left in the dark just anxiously waiting for him to be ready again.

Sarra · ‎19-01-2019

Hello, I'm sorry to hear you are in that situation. I am experiencing similar problems and I think it's going to be hard to move forward because he is stuck in a loop. It's so good of you to stay supportive and to try and be there for him when he decides to commit to you again. However, this situation is so taxing for you and he doesn't seem to know himself what the resolution will be. I think it would help to think about what your limits are and how long you can be kept in the dark about what he wants. You deserve to be with someone who is ready to move forward. The relationship seems unbalanced and it's important you know for yourself what you need from your partner and if stability is something's can give you and if Its worth waiting for. It's not an easy situation and there's no time limit on how long he needs to resolve his inner turmoil. Look after yourself and try and keep yourself busy and do things that bring joy to you. Only he can make the choice to let go and heal his pain in his own time. Find happiness within yourself, feel strong and know you deserve someone who is ready to learn from his past to move forward.