Current marriage crisis

[Mark h]

Hi

First of all a little about myself.I am an extremely lucky and fortunate person in that I have the wonderful wife and two perfect boys. Six years ago I had what can only be described as a major meltdown. I own my own publishing company which is hugely successful however one day when at a local shopping centre I went home and found that I was suffering extreme depression. To cut a long story short I was lucky to find a psychiatrist in Melbourne who after six months managed to find the right medication that I should be on. I am now classed as bipolar with day to day anxiety.

Every day life managing a business and looking after my family takes effort but also a great deal of pleasure. I love my two boys and my wife immensely and my business is something that keeps me extremely busy which is a great distractions from sometimes feeling like I can’t cope.

After 20 years of being married I feel our relationship is spiralling downwards fast. My 16 year old son is amazing and is fortunate to ride horses which he has done very well with. He is also going through those tricky teenage years. We have always clashed to be honest and we’ve often had highly heated words that result in us shouting and screaming(but never physical). Because my wife is also extremely horse minded, they both travel interstate a great deal together and my son never wants me there as he says I will just be embarrising. I am finding it difficult but for example in the next 4 months they are away from the home and business for at least 60% of the time and all weekends.

Yesterday was awful. Our dogs were chasing our horses and my son stormed into the room and told me that it was either them or him. Just a teenage drama which is fine but this escalated, he called me a liar and the next thing you know the screaming was back on again. My wife who has gone through this for many years then snapped. I do find it hard when they go away for long periods but I have also encouraged everything I can to make this dream of theirs happen. My wife told me that I am jealous of everytime they go for trips and that she had now come to the end. She now needs a break and has said that she will talk with me in a week.

I try so hard to keep this anxiety under control but sometimes it over powers everything I do. I also drink 4 beers a night and am thinking of giving this up. I see my 16 year old as always trying to over rule what I say and do. Maybe even trying to be the alpha male. I need help

mark

[Doolhof]

Hi Mark,

Relationships and families can be hard work at times. Is it possible for you to talk to a professional about how you are feeling? Do yo have any help in dealing with your bipolar and other issues?

Being the parent of teenagers can be hard work, I know I caused my parents a lot of grief during those years! It can also be hard to find things in common.

Is it possible for you to get away for a weekend with your wife? Or ask if she will go out with you for dinner and the movies perhaps. Try to rebuild your relationship somehow.

I understand how it feels to be left at home and not welcome to join family members when they go away. It can feel horrible! Have yo tried to explain how this makes you feel?

If your wife is not accommodating in going away with you, do yo have friends or mates who might like to go on a road trip, fishing, or just get away by yourself and do something you have been wanting to do for ages.

If a situation starts to break down and before the yelling begins, can you just say STOP and walk away. Return tot he conversation when you are calmer.

Yelling and verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Some people don't seem to understand just how harmful it can be to all involved.

Hope you can find ways to feel good about yourself and to reconnect with your family.

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Mark

A warm welcome to the forum and thanks for posting here. Marriages can be the most wonderful things and the worst thing. Usually we try for something in the middle but life does not always let this happen.

Like Dools i can understand the feeling of being left behind and perhaps feeling unwanted. It is hard to bear. There is no easy solution as I expect you realise so may I suggest you get some help for yourself first. Rather than try to manage it all by yourself, which is hard when you are in the middle of it all, talking to an objective person may help you find ways to talk to your wife and son. By the way, you only talked about one son, what does the other son do?

You sound as though you have a tremendously busy life with your business, caring for your family and managing your bipolar disorder. That is a lot. I became depressed for various reasons and found it hard initially to manage my mental health and go to work every day. Well I did have lots of time off and fortunately my employer was understanding. You are your own employer and it would be good if you took as much care of yourself as the care you would offer an employee. I know running your own business makes it hard to have time off but I presume you have time off for holidays etc.

Do you think you are jealous of your son and his relationship with his mom? Think about it carefully. There is no right or wrong answer and you certainly do not need to tell us. I ask because you do so much for your family and maybe feel you are being taken for granted. What do you think? I take it you pay for all these trips and that your wife does not go out to work. My husband and me separated 18 years ago. Yet after every family gathering I go home alone and he goes off with one of our daughters. You would think I have become accustomed to this but it always hurts and I do get cross.

My children think I have recovered from my depression and this is largely correct, but I still see a psychiatrist every week for all the trauma that has happened since then and which sweeps me back to square one if I am not careful. I wonder if this happens in any way with your BD.

What you drink and how much is up to you. I think you have sufficient insight to regulate yourself on this issue. Your teenage son is being fairly typical of other boys his age but it's not helpful to leave it at that. Perhaps you can talk to him as an adult to adult and ask about his behaviours. Hope to hear from you again.

Mary