Crushes shouldn’t last this long

[Girlandacat]

My husband and I have been together for over a decade, married for one year. Our relationship began when I was 21, and we've shared a significant part of our lives together.

Around six months into our marriage, I developed unexpected feelings for a coworker. We've worked together for a while,but our relationship was purely professional until then. He's married with children. I've found striking similarities in our personalities, temperament and there’s a sense of emotional security with him that I've never quite experienced in my marriage. These feelings have persisted for nearly seven months, and I believe they are mutual.

This situation has forced me to question my marriage and what I truly need from a partner. My husband and I have discussed my feelings openly, and he's suggested therapy. While I appreciate his efforts, I feel emotionally drained after years of trying to make our relationship work. I find myself not wanting to be alone with him, I’m withdrawing and not wanting much conversation or intimacy. I'm in my thirties, and I'm only now discovering who I am and what I want. This experience has intensified my feelings of self-discovery and I'm torn between the desire for independence and the fear of being alone.

[smallwolf]

Hello and Welcome

It sounds like you're going through a really tough and confusing time, and I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting that must be.

It’s great that you’ve been able to have open conversations with your husband, but I get how you’re feeling torn and this whole process of figuring out who you really are.

Of course, I cannot tell you what to do. Something like this is deeply personal... 

It’s okay to feel conflicted, and therapy could be a helpful way to sort through everything. It’s important to take the time you need for yourself and to think about what will truly make you happy in the long run.

Listening ... 

[therising]

Hi Girlandacat

I feel for you so deeply as you face what sounds like the toughest time in your relationship with your husband and maybe one of the toughest times in regard to the relationship you have with yourself.

I recall thinking when I was much younger 'I wish I was a far more conscious person'. There always seemed to be something amazing and zen-like about highly conscious people. I'm a 54yo gal, btw. As the saying goes 'Be careful what you wish for'. When it comes to self discovery/self understanding/higher levels of consciousness, no one warned me about how incredibly challenging it could be at times and even depressing in some cases. Took me a good number of decades to finally work out that I don't simply 'cycle in and out of depression', I cycle up through depressing or potentially depressing challenges. Each mind altering life changing revelation found in a challenging cycle is a graduation point. It's a point of self discovery. Kind of like 'Ahh, so this is who I naturally am and this is how I naturally tick (no wonder I was suffering so much)'.😮😊

I also recall the advice someone gave to me a few years back when I questioned how I manage a marriage where I've changed in a number of ways but my husband is comfortable with not changing. They said something along the lines of 'You can both begin your relationship on the same path. At some point, as you come to develop, you'll feel your paths beginning to separate. While you've chosen your path, you need to respect the fact that your partner has chosen his. His path is his choice'. I tried so hard to stay on the same path for years and, yes, it can become draining through a lot of hard work. The amount of work it can take to suppress the adventurer in us or the wonderer in us (when it comes to wonderful things) or all those other facets that bring us more to life can become challenging. While my husband and I only have a few things in common these days, I can live with that. Not a problem, as long as I continue to evolve in constructive ways. 

I think other people can really wake us up to who we naturally are, like the guy you mention. It's hard not to be attracted to the people who lead us to us to wake up to certain amazing and energetic aspects of our self. Once you're awake, you can't go back to sleep. So, the questions become 'What the heck do I do, now that I'm awake more than ever before?' and 'How do I continue waking up?'. Maybe the therapy proposed could offer some insight. Nothing quite like an illuminating guide to help shed light on the way ahead.