Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

[quirkywords]

I have mentioned about my controlling partner who is wonderful to everyone and to me about half the time.

He has just been diagnosed with a neurological disorder .He was angry as I was away when he got the news and then hung up on me as I offered some practical advice.

I wonder how people cope with a controlling partner who is unwell and will get worse.I want to care for him but am not sure my mental health can stand the stress of his anger and criticism.

I would like to start a discussion on this topic.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky,

It’s really hard being in that care role and especially when they take their fears and frustrations out on you. I don’t know if it helps to point out to him that he’s acting that way out of fear and worry? Sometime's people are not fully conscious and just reactive. I hope maybe you have a good specialist? With my dad the most helpful people were the Parkinson’s nurses who were far more emotionally present than the specialists and had real practical advice too. I wonder do you have any access to such nursing support? The Parkinson’s nurses would come to my parent’s house and look at how to make things easier for my dad in the home. They also were very empathetic which was nice support to have. You can also get an ACAT assessment done for help in the home if you need it, from things like cleaning through to having someone take your partner to appointments if needed. There’s the option of getting meal deliveries too from somewhere like Meals on Wheels if it’s getting a bit much doing meal preparation.

Take care Quirky and chat anytime.

Hugs 🤗 

ER

[quirkywords]

He procrastinates getting help. ER your posts are helpful. He is quite egocentric . People keep telling me people with his disease are often self centred and angry but he has always been like this. 
he told me I was making him sicker but the fact is I am affected by mis moods. I am no saint or patient but no one deserves  to be sworn at for having an opinion. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky,

Thst really is challenging. I feel for you. Are there any of his family members who might be of any help, or any help and support you can get from family on your side? Sometimes it just helps to share with others about what’s happening and it lightens the load a bit.

There may be something like a carer support group for the condition and people there with some ideas about ways of handling the angry behaviour. I know from what you say he’s always been egocentric but I imagine that’s amplified with the condition, especially if self-centredness and anger are features that can develop with it. His procrastination may be in part still not really being able to process things yet and being a bit in denial or avoidant.

Take care Quirky and know that we are here to listen anytime you need to share what’s happening.

Kind hugs to you 🤗

ER

[quirkywords]

Thanks ER.

I feel co trapped at times and stuck. Partner had big birthday recently and his Parkinson’s is getting worse, but so is his controlling. I have moments where we get on but many time he is angry and if I don’t agree he screams. I try to understand but it is tiring. I think when one has spent years looking after o es health it is difficult when one person is sabotaging one’s well being. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky,

I feel for you so much. It is exhausting being in that position as a carer. I imagine he is getting frustrated as symptoms worsen. There is a chapter in a book by Norman Doidge called The Brain’s Way of Healing. It’s about a man named John Pepper who developed his own walking program for Parkinson’s and amazingly managed to drastically reduce his symptoms after having Parkinson’s for many years at that point. So it is a condition that is not necessarily always a downward thing, but the person themselves has to be aware they can make a difference and want to do it. I don’t know if your partner would be into trying something like a walking program or exercise program that may help him feel a bit better? 

It’s so challenging for you though, especially if he is screaming at you when angry. I am wondering if it would help you to sometimes give the Beyond Blue helpline a call or a Carer helpline in your state? I know that may be difficult to do if your partner is present - maybe something to try if you get some time and space to yourself? Sometimes just debriefing with another person can help to feel better if the person you are living with is presenting challenging behaviours.

Take good care Quirky and we are always here to listen to you, any time you need a chat or to offload how you are feeling.

Sending you a supportive hug,

ER