Controlling parents

[darkenedsun]

I'm 25 years old and living very far away from my parents but they still seem to have such a strong hold on me and my life. Without giving too much away, I now have to get a home loan for a land in VIC that he (my dad) wants me to buy when I am in no position to buy, and then to secure the first home owner grant I have to be living in that home when I really dont want to. I am financially independent from my parents and I have my own plans to buy my own place down the road from where i want and I'm saving up for it really well. If this goes ahead, which it will, I would have to live in Melbourne. The problem is the land is very close to my relatives, who treat me like a servant everytime I go there.. and surely I will have them humbugging me every hour of the day with some sort of cow dung, cause that's what they do. Like my dad, they are very nasty when things dont go their way, aka very very controlling but has 0 zilch respect. I still feel like a child, trapped at home. I thought I was able to escape them (my dad) when i did all the things he wanted from me when I was younger , which I have already done so far (dont study what you love, do nursing, go to a remote area to study l, get the PR). Everything i do is not good enough and absolutely no respect for my own choices. He still doesn't leave me alone. He always blames me cause I dont talk with much him much, like no 💩. He always calls me when he needs something from me. When he does ask how I'm doing after fulfilling his needs, it doesnt feel genuine. Now I know, establish boundaries yes. In my culture that is taboo, we have to do it in sneaky ways, which I do, plus he will hurt my mom and bros if things dont go his way. I'v seen this happen in the past. I'm miserable 

[Sophie_M]

Hey darkenedsun, 

Thank you for sharing your story here. This sounds difficult, and we're sorry to hear what's going on. All that pressure must be so hard to manage, but you've taken a really good and powerful step in sharing here. 

We're sure we'll see some responses from the community once people start to spot your post, but in the meantime, we really wanted to reach out and let you know that there are some really good people you could talk to about this, our friends at 1800RESPECT. We can hear your dad is quite controlling, and that you feel worried about other family members if things don't go his way. Controlling people through threats, violence or coercion is abuse, and 1800RESPECT can talk through it with you and offer support. Calling them is confidential, free, 24 hours a day, and available 7 days a week on 1800 737 732, or you can reach out online here.

It sounds like it's having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

We’re sure our community will spot your post soon, some of whom may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[tranzcrybe]

The thought of getting a home loan for something you don't want, and locking yourself into repayments for the privilege of being at your father's beckon call...

No, that's just exploitation.

While I believe parents should always look out for their children's best interests, offering advice and support to see them well established in life (and children also owe due deference to parents' beliefs and expectations to a point), I think you can see through this ruse which will inextricably tie you to becoming permanent carer as they contemplate dependencies of old age.

You seem to have your head screwed on well with a clear idea of how you wish to live your life.

But it sounds like this is a 'done deal' from your description...that is, only if you can secure the loan, of course - wouldn't it be terrible if for some unknown reason you did not qualify for the loan???

Respect your parents AND follow your own path.