Constantly let down in friendships....

[w1nn1e]

Hi everyone. Hoping I can get some advice.

I'm a person that has very few close friends. Without sounding arrogant, I feel like I am a person who goes above and beyond for their friends but lately I've been noticing I rarely get it in return. It's exhausting and makes me feel extremely down about myself, like people just don't care about me. I know that's not true, but as I grow up I find it harder to accept that people just don't value friendships the way I do, I guess? I know its something I should just accept but I'm finding it difficult.

I don't know if I'm being too sensitive or what but its things like common courtesy that some people in my life just don't have and it really upsets me when they don't show it. For example, I am planning something special for my birthday which is extremely important to me and 2 people that I thought were close to me kinda just flaked on it without a proper apology and I also know that they won't bother to organize anything else at another time as an alternative. Again, its the whole different mindset thing that really bugs me because I would never do that to a friend.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me btw, this last year has just been difficult for me loosing friendships over things that could be easily sorted with honesty and open conversation but I've just had to let it go because I know I deserve better. It still hurts though.

Any advice or thoughts from anyone who has experienced a similar friendship rut would be appreciated.

[Hanna3]

Hi w1nn1e

Welcome to the BB forums. I hope you find this a safe supportive place. 🙂

I can really relate to your problems with friends. I'm sorry you've had this experience but I think it's unfortunately pretty common!

I've had similar experiences with friends being flaky or just not investing in the friendship as much as I did.

It took me a while to realise that I had to be a bit more discerning about the friends I chose. I learnt if I felt let down too often or they kept cancelling plans it was a signal for me to stop investing in the friendship even though I was sad about it.

I'm sorry about your friends flaking out on your birthday, that must be very hurtful for you.

You sound like you've been setting healthy boundaries and realizing when a friend is no longer worth your time and effort.

I once had a friend I valued very much but I gradually realised she always talked about her problems and would change the topic or finish the phone call if I needed to talk about a problem I had.

I ended up ending the friendship but I was very sorry I had to do that. It's no good having a one-sided friendship.

I usually say to people that you should think very hard about terminating a friendship because friends can be hard to find.

But I also think it's very important that if you feel constantly let down or criticised or not valued, that you are making all the effort, then it's best to let the friendship go.

I think that way you end the relationship before you are even more hurt.

Maybe make sure you're not doing most of the work in the relationship. If you feel that you are, take a step back and ask yourself if it's a friendship you really want to continue with.

Good on you for posting here. You sound like someone who'd be a great friend. I hope you find kind friends that truly value you.

Those friends are gold and worth hanging on to!

Good luck. You sound like a great person! 😊👍

[geoff]

Hello W1nn1e, it's never pleasant to lose people who we have always regarded as being our friend is always so disappointing and unexpected, but during this past year or so, people have become different people during this lockdown, where some are adamant that they want to keep being isolated, as per the rules and won't risk any chances, the trouble is that they don't tell anybody why and keep it to themselves, believing that other people would expect this to happen.

Planning something special for your birthday is a great idea, but no one is sure what's going to be the situation when your birthday comes, such as, if another lockdown is going to be inflicted upon us and all your preparations won't be allowed..

When people are placed under such restrictions, they become another person and often don't explain themselves, only hoping that their friends naturally know, but the lack of communication between two people is always a concern.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi W1nn1e,

I can understand how you feel. I felt the same as well through out my mid 20s. After university, I found it really hard to make friends as I got older, let alone ones that can truly be honest and open which I value a lot when it comes to friendships. I started questioning whether there's something wrong with me, whether I'm not a good person, or just a terrible friend.

Seeing all my friends around me getting into relationships, or getting married and having a family of their own, it made me realize that everyone's priorities changes over time. Depending on the kind of friends we have too, there can be some that finds the time to regularly catch up with us, or some that is having a difficult time doing that because of other priorities that they need to put above us (for example, family and kids). Everyone has their own "perspective" of what a friend is to them, and how deep/often should they connect with one.

But even though they can't commit to regular catch ups, seeing them once in awhile (once every few months or so), is always a treat because we'd have a lot to catch up on. I learned to lower my expectations on friends so that I don't get disappointed at them if there are no reciprocation at all. Focusing my efforts on the ones that really make a connection with me as well. But regardless of how often we connect, I'll always be there for my friends shall they ever require support.

I'm sorry to hear about your 2 close friends flaking out on you during your birthday. That must've been really hurtful especially since you felt that they are the ones who truly appreciate you. I feel you definitely deserve better friends who can appreciate your friendliness.

Jt