Constantly fighting with teenage daughter over boyfriend

[Narsiii]

So there’s a bit of a back story to this one but I’m finding it really hard to cope with my teenage daughter who I used to be very close with. She is 17 in sept . She has always told me everything and now she is shutting off. She has currently been in a relationship for the past 2 months and the guy seems really nice but over the last 3 weeks he’s been going out a lot more with the mates and not inviting her but turning up at midnight on nights she’s had off but picks her up from work other late nights which is really nice but then at times just leaves in the morning . They don’t go on dates as such they basically have sex and watch tv and eat take out . I’m worried thst this is all it is to this guy. And when I try to talk to her about it it ends in a full blown argument . She’s had a couple of boyfriends prior one who ended up being a cheater and another that ended when his cars and his mates where more important. I know the current boyfriend hasnt put anything on social media so I’m worried that he is trying to keep it a secret . Close friends are aware tho . My husband thinks I’m getting involved to much and I know I am but I can’t stop being worried and scared that he’s going to hurt her. My marriage isn’t very stable and my 18 year old son loves to tell me I am crazy and I probably am. I guess I’m just asking is this stupid or how do I let her just live her life as I don’t want to push him away from her .

[Croix]

Dear Narsiii~

Welcome here, no you are not being stupid or crazy or anything. You love your daughter and don't want her hurt. I, and every other parent who loves a child would feel the exact same.

It is not a question of what you are your wanting being out of order, it is a question of what moves are possible that you can actually do. The first and most obvious thing is for your daughter to know you are there for her - no matter what.

At 16 your daughter will probably not have a lot of personal experience of what a loving relationship is like, more likely she will know the sex side and that might be it. I guess one has to have role models to realize what a full relationship is like. Perhaps if some of her friends are that fortunate then maybe you can encourage contact.

I honestly don't think you have a lot of choices otherwise. Certainly having talks - although well meaning - that end up as arguments are not productive, in fact they may well make her withdraw. If you are right about this boyfriend she will get hurt, and maybe it is inevitable. The main worry might be that the young lady will after repeated failed relationships will have issues of self worth.

I guess the other avenue I'd explore is to try to bolster her feelings of self-worth right now. I'm not entirely sure but perhaps by including her in decision making and responsible tasks. This may have the additional benefit of allowing her to see shortcomings in the treatment she is receiving form her current boyfriend.

I'm not entirely sure what these activities might be, you would probably have ideas already.

A difficult problem, and probably not solved that quickly. I do hope you return and talk more.

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi Narsiii,

I understand how hard that must be for you to watch - all you want is for your daughter to be treated with love and respect. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t act very admirably in the dating world. But, in my experience, that happens the whole way through. I think what’s important is that your daughter gets this experience so that it can inform her of what she wants and doesn’t want so she recognizes it when she comes across it when she’s older and ready to have a serious relationship. I think all you can do now is stress that she be safe and careful. She’ll get rid of this guy eventually.

[geoff]

Hello Narsii, please let me welcome you to the forum.

When our kids start to approach adulthood the attachment we feel we once had may begin to change and because it's different to how we grew up and not used to it, then we worry, that's only natural and it will keep happening.

I remember my Mum used to want to know what was going on when I was 18, so I made sure that I didn't interfere with my 2 sons growing up, they will sort themselves out, but they knew I loved them and would do anything they wanted if they needed any help.

She will experience life her own way, simply because generations have different ways of how they approach it, but as long as she knows that her mum is there if she wants to discuss a problem.

She will want a boyfriend to become more involved with her, take her out, take her shopping, talk with her and enjoy being with her, she will make this decision when it's time.

All the Best.

Geoff.