Confused and alone

[Shyone]

Hi,
First time posting. I don't know why I am doing this, posting here because my mind is all over the place and it isn't going to come out clearly. The last 3ish weeks my husband of 25yrs (been together 29) has been sleeping in our van in our back yard. When I ask what is going on and why, in messages he tells me he is done and that we have been drifting apart and isn't sure if he wants to try anymore because he is empty inside, tired, sore and wants to be alone to sort himself out but then tells me if he really wanted to leave he would have and not stay in our van. I just wish I knew the truth of what has happened as I don't s to lose him. I am having trouble giving him space because I just want to be with him and sort this out. I have taken leave from my job as i wasn't coping or able to concentrate. We have 2 children. He comes in everyday, has coffee and dinner with us. I just don't know how much longer I can do this, it hurts so much. I am not allowed to cry because he can't handle it. We have a mortgage together and neither one of us can financially afford to carry it on our own. I have been looking at rentals to move out alone (disappear) but then that will distroy any chance of fixing things if we can. I don't have anyone to talk too. I don't have family or friends just him and our kids. I feel so alone, confused, lost and any other emotion possible at the moment with nowhere to turn. If it wasn't for our kids I probably wouldn't be here now. Like all relationships we have had our ups and downs. I suffer depression and anxiety and I think he does too, just won't get diagnosed. I do have trust issues as well so my insecurities are hightened at the moment too.
Thanks for letting me babble if you got to the end.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Shyone,
Thanks for getting back to us.
We understand your hesitation to contact our Support Service, it can be pretty daunting but please be assured this service is free. You will not have to pay anything if your decide to call or communicate to us through webchat. We've sent you another email to check in with you. Pleae know you are not alone, even when you feel lonely, our community is here to support you.

[Shyone]

I would like to be me.
I would like to be allowed to cry when I wanted.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells to try and make him happy to come back, knowing full well it is not going to work.
I am so confused and emotional right now but keeping it to myself.

[Guest909]

Hi Shyone

I know that you are in a bad place; I've been there; I know what it's like. Unfortunately there are no simply answers. Give yourself the time you need to think things through; there is no rush.

If you want to cry then cry, it can't hurt and you might feel a little better afterward. Your emotions will swing from love to hate and back to love within a minute or two - that is normal for a "normal" person. Chances are your husband is going through the same emotional turmoil.

You might want to remind yourself that this is not a problem of your making; so don't go blaming yourself.

As to your future, you have two children and a job. Try and hang onto both if you can.

Be yourself!

[Shyone]

Hi Mr Paul,
Thanks.
The problem I have with crying is it makes him angry because he can't handle tears. I don't get time alone to be able to let it all out.
You are right though, my emotions switch from angry to emotional so erratically.
With still living together as such I am so confused. I feel we are getting somewhere and then all of a sudden i feel like he doesn't want to know me.
Sad thing is i want nothing to do with my children or job at the moment, i just want to be alone.

[Guest909]

I know how you feel. My wife of 30+ years did the same thing to me.

Have you thought about taking the caravan to a local caravan park; leave the kids at home until you are ready to deal with them.

Who knows, a little distance may help both of you figure out what went wrong.

[Shyone]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Nothing has changed with feeling alone and confused. One minute he wants to be intimate and the next he wants nothing to do with me so I am not the only one confused but it is making me worse. One minute he wants to talk things over and the next he is shutting me out. He seems to have become secretive. I get asked about who I am messaging or talking too but I can't ask the same questions because I am too insecure and suffocating him.
I can see I am not the problem but it doesn't make it any easier.
I can see it is taking its toll on the kids.
I am not strong enough anymore. I don't know how much more I can wait or take.

[Guest909]

It sounds like you are both on the same emotional rollercoaster.

Can you take the caravan to a local park; you both need a break and time to think.