Confused about wanting friends but not wanting them

[justintime]

Hi,

I'm new to Beyond Blue & wanted to start my own thread in the hope that I can get some support. Lately I've been feeling a bit down, I'm getting some professional help but feel that what I also need is to chat to others who may be going through something similar so that I don't feel so alone. What I find hard is friendships & I don't quite know why. I easily meet people, make lots of acquaintances & get offers to meet up & go out. I also have no problem (as in fear or lack confidence) to ask other potential friends out but what's a bit confusing is that when I get invited out I don't want to go & for the life of me I don't understand why. I want friendships, I need them & I'm terribly lonely at times so I just don't get why I don't take up these invitations. Yesterday I was asked to go for coffee with a new potential male friend & today I was invited to dinner on the weekend from a female longer term friend. Both people are still waiting for my reply & I'm avoiding answering because I don't want to go. Is this what depressions does? Is it the lack of motivation part of depression that does this? Has anyone else ever felt this way & developed some understanding about why this happens? For the life of me I don't get it. I want & need friendships yet don't make it happen when the opportunity arrives.

[Vero]

Hi Justintime,

i do rely on my psych for adjusting to my pace and providing guidance. She often points “my nose in the right direction”. I believe it is immeasurably more difficult to just rely on self observation. However I had many psychologists who were almost useful. It is worth shopping around to find your match.

the process of analysis pro and against may appear labouring but in reality is very quick, organic and by itself gives me a sense of release, control and understanding. Hopefully this makes sense to you:

I try to be authentic to myself as to know how I am feeling about some meeting and not allow mySelf to be influenced by my head. This is hard for me to do bc I have a capacity to accomodate and sacrifice and my thoughts can suppress my feelings.

Next I like to know why. Mainly to determine what is behind this feeling. I do this so I can set appropriate boundaries to ensure I don’t violate myself (based on my trauma history). Why? leads me to what?, not purely as an event but the reaction to it. Triggers often becomes evident at this point. Knowing this I have now a sense of a truer picture of myself and more realistic sense of emotional costs to me. This is where I set the boundaries BenD have spoken about Above. Pros and cons come to consideration as a measure of potential benefits , short and long term issues.

[justintime]

Thanks Vero,

This gives me a lot to think about. I appreciate your response:)

[Vero]

All the best. Take care

[jawz]

Your post made me chuckle because I do the same thing. From a lifetime of experience, what I've learned is that it can be a mixture of anxiety and depression depending on the context. You can be anxious about being in a group, anxious about not being in control of the environment - you could tend to drink alcohol if you find yourself in a situation that permits it of course, to relieve the anxiety. Where the situation doesn't permit a drink - and I mean maybe you've planned to go hiking with friends, you might be more likely to bail on that than say going out for lunch where you can alleviate the anxiety with a few drinks. Other situations can be that you don't go because you are depressed. But watch how it works each time, and you'll learn to differentiate whether it is anxiety or depression, or a mixture of both. Overall though, don't be too hard on yourself about it! Think of it this way, you might even be super sensitive and picking up on an energy you'd prefer to avoid e.g. bad traffic or an accident! and your gut is telling you not to go, but your mind/body doesn't understand why. Ultimately, whatever it is you're not the only one that feels it, and there is no right or wrong about it - it is what it is and it's ok 🙂