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Concerns about my relationship. Not sure if I should stay or go.

Community Member

Hey everyone, I have been with my BF for over 4 years now & we have lived together for around 2 years. I'm currently at a point where I'm not sure if I'm 100% on this relationship anymore.

We haven't had the easiest run - he's had several up and down moments with his family and theres been two separate years now where they havent spoken for a period of over 12 months. They have been very horrible to me in the past as well, so honestly, I would rather not have anything to do with them (which is easier since they live overseas). Even though his parents have apologised to me, his mum and sister just trigger my anxiety... even the sound of their voice makes me uncomfortable. My BF only just recently started talking to them again, and I hate it. They didnt speak for over a year, but now within a few weeks of talking to them, he already wants to upheave all our plans for next year to fly across the world for a one month holiday. I'm about to sit my final exam of my intern year and once that's done, i'll be fully qualified in my field. My job has a lot of responsibility - I'm a senior member of staff so for me to take off for a month is not possible... however he just doesnt seem to want to understand this. I suggested 2 weeks which apparently isnt good enough.

My BF has a lot of good qualities, but recently I see more of the bad. He's lazy, condascending, unsympathetic, short tempered, ungrateful and to some extent, self centred. I find it hard to talk to him about anything, especially anything to do with my feelings.

Overall, i just find myself getting fed up with my BF. I do love him and our great moments are great. He can be very supportive and everything I want, but I find that decreasing. Our goals and views seem to be increasingly different and currently, I feel like I'm more in this relationship because its become routine. I dont have any friends so obviously another thought on my mind is that if I leave him, I dont have anyone in my life thats my age. My family is very supportive of me, and I know at the end of the day I'll always have them, but its hard to imagine not having anyone else.

The other thing keeping me in this relationship is that we're currently on a defacto visa and that was the only way he could stay here (he didnt want to use our relationship, he wanted to use his qualifications but it wasnt possible) so if I break up with him, he will be sent back home which conflicts me as hes worked hard to stay here and I dont think thats fair.

2 Replies 2

Community Member
Personality flaws don't stand in isolation, they tend to come in clusters. So if your seeing things you don't like you can be sure there's more where that came from. For me, alarm bells went off when you used the words 'lazy' and 'short tempered' - those characteristics in a young man are especially troubling and I know they can mushroom into more serious issues as time goes on. I see it's complicated with his visa and all but you're life is just getting started, don't let him hold you back.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear SimpsonsLover

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about your about life and difficulties.

I am very sorry to learn of your relationship difficulties. It's always a hard decision to make when you are considering separation. So many pros and cons which complicate matters. It's rarely a straight forward process. Sometimes couples simply find themselves travelling in different directions. It is sad.

I gather you are serious about your wish to separate. What is stopping you is that you believe you love your partner and do not want to lose him. You are also afraid of being alone as you do not have friends although your family is very supportive of you. The other major concern is your partner's ability to stay in Australia if you leave. You have also identified a number of his characteristics which severely impact on your life these day. All these aspects are confusing you and I gather it is this combination that has led you to considering separation.

If he had not been in contact with his family and consequently wanted to go and see them, how much would you want to separate? Is this the factor that has resulted in your thoughts of separation? Or did you think about his character flaws earlier and start wondering if it would be best to part.

Would you think about this and let me know if I have the story right?