Complicated grief

[Guest_322]

Hi,

So an abusive grandparent passed away about 5 years ago. To this day, I still have mixed feelings about her passing.

Most days, I try not to think about her passing. In fact, most days, I try not to think about her at all. Nonetheless, she's often at the back of my mind.

When she was around, I used to write a lot. I lived in my own head. Imagination was my escape.

But when she passed away, something inside me died too. I stopped writing, and I barely engage in any sort of creative writing these days. I'm fine with uni assessments and stuff like that but I don't really write creatively if that makes any sense.

It feels weird but it feels as though I've lost some of my ability to imagine and create, which I'm sad about, and the turning point was her passing.

Most days I feel okay- as in I have somewhat accepted- my past and her passing. But some days, like last night, I suddenly felt like I was 5 again, and just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry.

And the hardest part is sometimes I think that I'm doing okay but then it sort of all starts hurting again (and I often can't pinpoint the trigger). And I remember.

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

So sometimes I feel a little perplexed as to how on earth I started posting about the heavier stuff. I have been racking my brain as to what the trigger was to start these kinds of threads.

Gnaawwww Dots. Your heart has been opened.

Shucks.

We snuck in under the wire of the fortress to your heart.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dottie

Cornstarch has gone straight to the heart of the matter. These forums are not just for solving problems or answering cries for help. This is an incredible network of people who get together, via the internet, to help and support each other through difficult times. You have been, and still are, a part of this network, adding your ten cents worth.

We are anonymous here and can talk about what we feel and think without the fear of being ridiculed, told to get back to the real world, accused of being attention seekers, plus all the other crap that happens when someone develops a mental illness. There is safety here that allows us to reveal our deepest pain and ask for help. Once you recognise this safety you can relax your guard, take off your mask and be the person you are.

There is something wonderful in allowing ourselves to be open and honest about our trials and tribulations, ask for help and to provide support and help to others. Every time someone feels comforted and reassured, helped to take another step on the journey I think the whole of BB sings because it is such a joyful and wonderful event. It's possible I am a little over the top in my praise, but it is so good to have a safe place and to be understood by those who have lived the same or similar experiences.

You have found your safe place Dottie and I like to think you are rejoicing.

Mary

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Cornstarch, you made me laugh.

Mary, you made me tear up.

I don't know how you guys managed to get me to volunteer this information ha, ha.

I don't even know what to say right now but thanks again everyone.

You all bring something different to the forums, which I appreciate or else it would get pretty boring if we were all cookie cutter versions of each other.

Dottie x

[White_Rose]

I've never made cookies, with or without a cookie cutter.

Enjoy this day. Go well my dear.

Mary

[Wednesday]

I think I am more of a cacao fruit ball sort of person...

Hugs,xx

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone (special shoutout to cacao-fruit-ball-sort-of-person otherwise known as Wednesday),

It's been a funny day. I don't know...I think that I confuse myself sometimes.

For all intents and purposes, I function reasonably well by conventional standards; I go to class, work, see my friends when I get the chance to, pay my bills, etc. I put one foot in front of the other and march on ahead.

I'm waiting for this period- whatever this is- to pass. This morning, I thought that this current tricky wave had passed till about an hour ago when I suddenly felt like collapsing in a heap and crying. I don't know...it comes and goes.

Moments like those is when I start questioning myself. I don't know if I'm coping or if I've just shoved everything in some random corner in my mind. I start wondering if I'm managing- like I try to tell myself most of the time- or if I've just been repressing, you know.

I've rather enjoyed not having seen my psychologist for almost a year now. What happened was I stopped my weekly sessions at the start of the year, told good old shrinkie that I was feeling great and would like to see her every second month instead...with no intention of going back.

It's hard for me to accept that maybe I'm not quite done sitting on that darn couch because that couch has been hard work. I spent a good 4 years of my life on that couch (occasionally it was a chair when she relocated her clinic), and maybe that's not very long compared to some of you guys. But that's 1/5 of my life...I don't know...my dream is to have someone wave a wand and just have this all fixed and we can all live happily ever after.

Dottie x

[White_Rose]

Hi Dottie

A quick reply. Like you I suddenly lose my energy and flop down. No rhyme or reason. Well except that we are on a roller coaster ride and the ups and downs come at unexpected moments. May I suggest you return to your psych a couple of times and talk about what to do when these moments make an appearance. I know, you don't want to go back, or rather you don't want to need to go back.

let me tell you a story or an analogy. I was quite unfit physically and I hate exercise but eventually my GP persuaded me to join an exercise class. She's a very persistent lady. I was lucky that it was run by an amazing exercise physiologist who coaxed and persuaded me to attend the classes and eventually I started going on my own to work on the exercises he prescribed. Much cheaper that way. And I did get much fitter. Then I had several months off when I had breast cancer. No problems other than being tired but I let the exercise lapse so when I went back it was much harder to do the stuff I had managed earlier.

Having put in all that effort for several years I was so disappointed that a few months away could send me back to square one. But in fact it didn't. I got back to my previous level (not terribly high I hasten to add) within a few weeks. The physiotherapist who also treated me said that it was because I had put in all the hard work earlier and had a sound core of fitness and rebuilt very easily from that. I was so pleased I didn't have to struggle through all the hard work again.

So of course you know the moral of this story. Go back and review your exercises with the psychologist. You still have the foundations of that and probably more. You just need a few tweaks and you will be up and running again. I think this is why you were able to talk so openly here on BB. You have the knowledge, skills and strengths to move on. Just need a few reminders.

Mary

[Cornstarch]

You're doing amazing Dots.

Those 'tears' are what Dan Siegel terms emotional intelligence.

Of course, be sensible, grief can sometimes turn into depression so have health professionals on board that can tell the difference. You don't want to pathologise the organic grieving process, because you have admitted that you are a perfectionist, but you want to be safe and well too.

I think I posted on another thread, once in grief it's almost like a new chamber of your heart opens you never felt before. It will never leave, but the waves do become further apart.

I love a bloody good cry.

I'll have one tonight too.

[Guest_322]

Hi

Thank you Mary and Cornstarch,

Mary, thanks for checking in on me so frequently. I appreciate it a lot 😊

I see what you're trying to say with the analogy (good one btw). I don't know, we'll see...as it comes and goes, it's somewhat manageable.

I might give it a few months and "reassess" how I'm feeling then. Yes, my desire to avoid the couch is still very strong at this stage but I appreciate what you're saying.

Cornstarch, ah I don't even know what to say to you sometimes- I mean that in a good way ha, ha. You're smart as I've said before- really smart. Often wisecracking and very hurt but very switched on. Probably one of the sharpest on the BB forums.

You go have your cry now. You're a good person, I think.

Dots will also be crying tonight but not for the reason you think...she is up to her eyeballs in stats uni work...

Thanks again,

Dottie x

[Wednesday]

Hi Dottie,

Oh I so wish I had a magic wand, to wave for you.

I have no doubt that you are functioning well on the surface, but those tears tell another story, as does that hidden creative side and the tears and crashes.

You are resilient and have learnt to cope. In other areas of your life you’re doing a great job. Well maybe not getting 100% enjoyment out of stats, I didn’t either!

I understand your reluctance to go back to shrinkie, it is hard work and emotionally draining. The way I see it is that you did a great job of pulling things together when you left shrinkie you were back on track and had dealt with enough rubbish at that time.

But dear one, you have a long life to live and deserve for it to be happy and rewarding, okay so there will be ups and downs, but you will manage those. What you need is the tools to manage situations that have been wired into your brain at a young age through an abusive grandparent.

If you can deal with this now you may well avoid so much more rubbish later in life, just a thought….

Hugs, x