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Complicated grief

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi,

So an abusive grandparent passed away about 5 years ago. To this day, I still have mixed feelings about her passing.

Most days, I try not to think about her passing. In fact, most days, I try not to think about her at all. Nonetheless, she's often at the back of my mind.

When she was around, I used to write a lot. I lived in my own head. Imagination was my escape.

But when she passed away, something inside me died too. I stopped writing, and I barely engage in any sort of creative writing these days. I'm fine with uni assessments and stuff like that but I don't really write creatively if that makes any sense.

It feels weird but it feels as though I've lost some of my ability to imagine and create, which I'm sad about, and the turning point was her passing.

Most days I feel okay- as in I have somewhat accepted- my past and her passing. But some days, like last night, I suddenly felt like I was 5 again, and just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry.

And the hardest part is sometimes I think that I'm doing okay but then it sort of all starts hurting again (and I often can't pinpoint the trigger). And I remember.

Dottie x

63 Replies 63

Hello Dottie

A brief note to ask how you are going. There are heaps of replies to you in just a couple of days. It's great to know others care about you. Get back to us when you can and when you feel like it.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for checking in on me.

My honest answer is up and down. I saw some friends earlier today, which helped lift my mood (thank goodness for friends).

Right now? I don't know. It's not awful but I've just been having some crying spells the past 3 days. Hopefully they'll go away tomorrow ha, ha.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

Guest_322
Community Member

Fell asleep and just woke up-it's almost 4am- and I've been awake for about 1/2 an hour now. The tears just suddenly started almost the very minute that I woke up. I'm not sure why I've been so teary lately. I feel like there's a hole in my gut (I don't know how to describe it). I just want whatever this is to stop.

Dottie x

Dottie

you are not alone here...my dad has been very abusive for years....he is elderly now and has had a heart attack....I have had to find peace & forgiveness (quickly)....and am one of his carers now....he is gentle like a kitten.....now

You are a beautiful soul Dottie that gives so much to so many....

Have a chat face to face about this one.....and a really really good cry (vent)

Im sorry I havent picked up your thread

you are a champion Dottie...x

Hello Dottie

When you woke up you must have sent out some vibes as I woke at 4:30 and got up.😊 Oh dear, waking up early may give us a head start on the day, but at the other end I just get tired.

Dottie, let the tears come. I know it hurts but you are grieving and I find the best way is to cry and let it out. As your grief lessens so will the tears. It's exhausting and often we feel silly about it. After all "I'm not a child". But in fact we are children at times and want comfort and help. Age makes no difference to our needs. You did not just miss out on a having a warm and cuddly grandma, you had a spiteful person wounding you without cause. Now you are letting the hurt go and getting ready to move on.

So pleased you had time with your friends. Yes it is good to know we are cared for and it gives us a lift to the day. Keep in contact with people because being with others affirms us.

Make sure you are caring for yourself. It seems a bit mundane to talk of diet and exercise but these are important for our well being. Lots of fruit and vegetables, some meat/poultry/fish, easy on the carbs but don't leave them out and plenty of water. When your body is in tune you are better able to manage your emotions.

Grief is grief no matter what or who the cause. When my mom died I cried buckets. She was in the UK and me in Oz so I didn't get to say goodbye to her although I managed to get to her funeral. Every night I would come home from work and burst into tears. During the day I was too busy to cry and bottled it all up. This happened for many months until my grief had settled. I still miss her after 17 years but not in the almost violent way I did. And yes, I had that empty feeling which is where my pain came from.

Keep writing, you will get through this and come out the other end.

Mary

Aw guys,

I'm overwhelmed by the support. Thank you so much 😊

Paul, you always show me such incredible support. I really appreciate it.

I don't know how you do it. I guess when push comes to shove, you find a way towards peace. It takes a certain someone to become an abusive parent's carer; you have a very big heart.

Mary (White Rose), it seems like both our bodies decided to give us an early start today.

I'm sorry about your mother. Her death must have hit hard. It must have been difficult to not have been able to be with her during her last moments. I think we never truly stop missing those we love no matter how much time passes.

I do feel like a child sometimes so you're onto something there ha, ha. After about 4-ish days of the crying spells, right in this moment, I do feel a bit better (I can start thinking clearly again).

I try not to think about my grandmother too much. As soon as I see her face in my head, I shut the image down and think "whoa, nope, not going down that path."

I lived with my grandmother and parents till she passed away when I was 15. Then it was just my parents and I till I left home at 18. I shared a room with my grandma for the first 10 years of my life (till we extended the house then I got my own room...thank goodness).

Thanks again...I don't know what to say other than I'm grateful for the support.

Dottie x

Wednesday
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Dotttie,

Ugh you poor thing who would want to share a bedroom with their grandmother, peleease!

It's good to let the tears flow beer out then in! like so many others I can relate to your feelings. I lived with my grand parents for a time before going to live with my parents, which was pretty awful too, all of this has left its scars.

Sweetie I've had more counselling than I can recall some good some not so great. But all in a funny way has helped me come to terms with a messy life. It sounds like it's time to revisit the counsellor. You were right stopping when you did last time, your brain had achieved a goal and you felt better. Maybe now it is time for you to take on the next challenge and work through the next issue lurking in your psych.

You can do this, it is so much better than spending the rest of a long life trying to avoid yucky stuff, face it, cry buckets and vent. This is your life to live in happiness not haunted by old stuff. You know that there are many here looking out for you. You can come back and vent/chat as much as you like, there will be someone here to listen or pick you up and give you a hug.

Hugs, x

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Dottie,

The others have already posted some wonderful replies and it seems you've now met a few of the other long term posters as well which is lovely.

I just wanted to remind you, wherever you are right now, that you can always come here to share how you feel. There's a lot of stuff that seems to be pulling you down at these anniversary times, and I'm really glad you felt comfortable talking to us.

You're a wonderful person and you've always got a friend in me. 🙂

James

Dots,

Your family must be so proud of you.

Corn-ed Beef.

Hi Wednesday, James and Cornstarch,

I appreciate the kindness, understanding and support immensely.

Wednesday, I'm glad counselling has helped you over the years, and also for sharing a bit about yourself. But above all, for empathising and making me feel heard. It means a lot even if my words aren't necessarily conveying it very well.

James, you were one of the first people who responded to my intro thread, and I'm beyond grateful for your friendship here (BB is awesome!)

James, I never had any intention to talk about my family at the start...just sort of happened over time. I originally signed up to have a good long whinge about uni and work stresses (aka still my 2 favourite topics to harp on about ha, ha).

So sometimes I feel a little perplexed as to how on earth I started posting about the heavier stuff. I have been racking my brain as to what the trigger was to start these kinds of threads. And the answer is generally when the pain becomes a bit too much. That even I, reigning Queen of Compartmentalisation, sometimes isn't sure where to put those feelings.

Thanks everyone,

Dottie x