closed person...... reaching out for the first time needing someone to talk to

Tinalea20 · ‎03-05-2021

moved states coz i thought he was different, its hard to paint a picture in a few words But.. at the start he was awesome it was like he gets me, we both had a crap CH. both had crap ex's. (so i thought) but im going thought the same as them. been with him for nearly 3yrs, have depression, PTSD due to CH. we rented when i got here til his ex moved out of HIS house, she trashed it so to make it livable i paid for repair's coz my name was meant to go on the title. ever since we moved in with all my furniture he started his crap. picking at every little thing, if i stood up for myself i was shot down. this happened all the time, if i did something he had done all hell would break loose. i got jack of it about 6mths ago and said give me back the money i have put into the house and ill move out. things got better in the next few weeks and we were back on again. little things started again a little time after and got right back where they were. if i tried to talk about things he would say why bring up the past, that was a week ago harden up. he would try and get a bit but i was still pissed off and that would start a new fight. 3 weeks ago in one of our fights he said ' you dont know what i get up to " i flipped my lid and went to bed, he came in and told me to get out of HIS room, Its my house and the main room is mine. i told him to go away as this is my bed ( i brought it with me) a little childish i know. this has happened many times b4. heaps of other stuff has happened but i can explain that later. i have tried to find a house to rent but living in a small town is very hard. im not giving up thou as my mental health is though the roof. i have reached out to DV services but they are useless. i have no family or friends for support ( i find it hard to make friends). all i do is work, come home , sleep and do it all again.

Sophie_M · ‎03-05-2021

Hi Tina,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling isolated while you are in such a high stress home situation. It sounds like the relationship has become very unhealthy. Please know that you are not alone in this.

We hear that you have previously contacted DV services, but in case you haven't tried them, 1800RESPECT offers 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Additionally, if you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Thank you so much for reaching out here. Hopefully a couple of our members will be by to welcome you over the next few days.

Ggrand · ‎03-05-2021

Hello Dear Tinalea,

I am really sorry for what your going through...No on should be treated the way your bf is treating you..it’s not okay....

My husband was so sweet, caring, loving and treated me so good...then we got married...Things changed...he got demanding, abusive and treated me like his personal slave...I lived like that for 38 years...I was too afraid of him to leave him.....I’m telling you this because a few times I did try to leave him, unsuccessfully..he always found me and when he did...he always said he will change...he did change until I walked through the front door again,,,,,People don’t change..because it’s who they are and don’t know any other way.....So please dear Tinalea...please be very careful of your mental and physical health....

The contact 1800 respect is a good place to start to get help....Firstly you should care for you..later when you are in a better position in life...then you can think about getting your furniture back if you wanted to...You before anything or anyone else....

Please look after yourself and keep us updated on your doing if you want to..no pressure dear Tinalea....we are here for you...You are not alone..many people on the forums have been or still going through abusive partnerships or marriage......including me..

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

Tinalea20 · ‎04-05-2021

thank you for your reply, i understand how you feel about your husband treating you like his personal slave, J does the same to me, he is only home on the weekends. i cook dinner, we eat, he goes and watches tv, i clean up, if he has a can of drink he will leave it on the table when he finishes , if i dont pick it and put it in the bin, he will have something to say, i will just do it to save a fight, when he goes to bed he will leave his clothes on the floor, you get the picture, i went to work once and there was washing on the line i was gone all day when i came home it was still there, i asked him why he didnt bring it in , his reply was i was busy in the shed. so me being me just to save a fight, like a good little girl i brought it in. it seems like im doing things for him that he wouldnt do for me, i know it sounds pitty but when you have done this forever, it gets you thinking, if i try and talk about our problems, like the way he speaks to me, treats me his reply is get over it harden up. he has called me all the names under the sun, i just let it go. i know whats going on and yes im trying to move out but its hard giving the fact that i cant put his name down as my current landlord, yes we live in his house.

Guest_3256 · ‎04-05-2021

Hi Tinalea20.

This must be difficult for to experience but I cannot help but understand how you can resolve this issue. Most people try to change someone (I am no implying this on you as such) but when it comes to a lot of men, most woman attempt to change their partner (sub-consciously or if they don't like how their partner reacts, they become stuck. It isn't always abuse either, sometimes, couples need to stop picking on each other and get out the house and live.

Relationships are not a one way road - people need to understand that both parties need to keep the spark alive - the whole time. When one becomes too content, things change for the worst. You both need to water your garden together, if that cannot be done, things cannot improve.

So for you, I would try to slow down a bit, learn to ignore his bad behavior (especially if you have already tried talking to him, some men just get sick of the same routine) and try not let it get to you. The more you retalieate, the more you will push each other away.

Also - you are his rebound - these never go smoothly due to the initial fantasy stage from the breaching party. He may still be stuck on his ex or not treat you properly because rebounds are a fantasy - soon the mud seeps through the cracks.

Please focus on you - you are more beautiful, talented, caring, supporting and loving than you think you are. Stop focusing and enabling him so much and things may improve. He will be wondering, why is she not pursuing me as much and he will then learn to be better to you. Love needs to be earnt not demanded for.

Be strong and be brave.

Tinalea20 · ‎04-05-2021

thank you for your reply, i think he has no respect for women, i have looked up the meaning for gaslighting and its J to a tee. im planning on looking at a rental tomorrow after work and hopefully all goes well and im getting the hell out of here.

Ggrand · ‎05-05-2021

Hello Tina,

Your last post to me I can relate to very much....My life has been always lived for pleasing other people..and now I’m free of all the abuse I went through I don’t know me...I have been used to taking orders, been controlled daily, told what to wear, what to do..or suffer the consequences...so I always done things to keep the peace...and now with a damaged mind and soul..I don’t know who the real me is....

I am pleased your thinking of getting away from the life you have now..you deserve a peaceful and beautiful life....I really hope lovely lady that you can find a rental property...most charity organisations should help you with the basic furniture you need until you can get on your feet..hopefully in time you can get your furniture back...but always remember Tina...that in time furniture can be bought and replaced..but your soul and heart once damaged by a narcissist person...takes years to heal...

I am very proud of the strength and courage you have you to know that his treatment of you is unacceptable....I never had that courage and now I’m still paying for it...

I wish you all the luck in the world with finding a rental property....You are one awesome and beautiful lady....please never forget that...

Here if you feel to talk....

My kindest thoughts and wishes for you dear Tina..

Grandy..

Tinalea20 · ‎08-05-2021

hi grandy,

i found a rental and i move in two weeks, i have spent the day packing my things, its hard work but it will be worth it in the end. i will be able to think straight and finally relax.