Cheated on me

SydneyKat · ‎11-12-2016

So all this time I thought he was having just an emotional affair, people told me otherwise and I didn't believe it. Now the guilt has hit him and he told me he slept with her a handful of times, he said he couldn't keep the secret any longer. He seems to be deciding between me (wife of 6 yrs and 18 yrs partners in total) with young child and the other woman . The ex partner of the woman actually contacted me and told me all, but u was unsure at the time , he also said she is a woman who goes for taken men (who does that right?!) this is her 3rd time, he also told me other bad traits of hers . My husband seems to be discovering pieces of this but doesn't believe everything either ( deluded, wants to believe she was the one for him, she was there for him to talk, he'd been bottling up feelings for a while, that were over years against me , I'd call them niggling things about me, eg me cleaning too much , not getting right brand of something ).

Am I insane for contemplating the idea of what if he asks to come back ? He says he has been thinking about it but doesn't know what to do still. Or do I just burn everything of his and tell him not come near me again

SydneyKat · ‎17-02-2019

UPDATE
My ex husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We have a home and a primary aged daughter. Almost 2.5 years ago he started an affair, he moved out to be with her, they have been on overseas holidays together multiple times, to his family functions, they've also broken up a few times, and recently I found out he got her pregnant but made her abort. In the early stages of the affair, he broke it off with her and came back home, that lasted about 2 months , he went back to her.

Last year he said he'd be back "at the end of the month" which would come and go , no actions, he's been saying that for most of the 2.5yrs. At the end of last year he divorced me, saying it would change our "dynamic" and we could start from scratch, he believed if married then it creates power for the woman. He has now said let's start again (I think mostly for our child). He says he's now realised importance of family and that he made a mistake. However , he has also asked for rings back if I don't go back, he's asked for rent for living in our joint owned house (he took it out if child support money he privately gives me), he's asked for money for somethings he paid for in the house before leaving 2.5 yrs ago. he speaks about having no savings because he pays child support and rent and bills (he's on about three times my wage and Pays for things jointly with the woman he's living with , and at home I pay for all my bills on my own).
up until the divorce I was able to forgive and restart and go to counseling etc , none of which he was interested in, my heart still had love for him even though we went through all that. But now since the divorce, im no longer officially attached to him and I found the surprising thing that my heart is/has changed (the divorce is not just a piece of paper to me). I even began to think about dating and went on one date.
I feel like he did all that to me, then officially let me go , how would it even work, would romantic spark come back, sex awkward maybe? Same arguments maybe? I have major trust issues with him. I have been through a lot to personally recover from this situation, and am still healing. Is going on the one date confusing me ? I used to want my family back together but now I think do I really want such a man back in my life ?

Does anyone know anyone where it has worked? whether it is at all possible (I feel for my child, I feel so sorry for her missing out on her dad everyday). The way I said to proceed to see if it could work is: he move out from his gf house, rent on his own, we date and see how it goes and go into relationship therapy. What he wants: move straight back in, and is hestitant about therapy. I don't know what's best for daughter: am I providing a bad example for my daughter by taking him back and on the other hand I don't want my daughter to miss out on dad at home.....my ex is pressuring me to decide as I think his gf is pressuring fir him to decide.

I don't know what to do, I think no other woman would have a bar of it.am I crazy for even considering this??

Guest_7403 · ‎18-02-2019

Find yourself a real man, your ex husband is a pig

SydneyKat · ‎20-02-2019

Would you consider it under any correspondence?

Guest_7403 · ‎20-02-2019

Not for one second.

The fact he's still with her tells you everything you need to know

JessF · ‎20-02-2019

SydneyKat said:Would you consider it under any correspondence?

Hello SydneyKat, after nearly 20 years with this man in your life it must be difficult to imagine a life without him, otherwise why would you have continued to endure through all this. Even just reading back to the start of this thread, it feels like this situation has not moved much in the past three years.

I feel as though (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that you're hoping that by posting on the forum we will reply and validate your choices in some way. That's not something that I am willing to do. I will observe though that just by posting here in the way that you have been says to me that you are unsure that this is the best possible life for you and are in the early stages of wondering how things might be different or better for you in the future.

Staying stuck where you are may not be ideal, but it is familiar, and perhaps it seems less frightening to you than making big changes. Perhaps you feel that cutting ties with this man would somehow invalidate a large chunk of your life, and open up a wardrobe full of tears, resentment and grief at lost possibilities. That may be so.

But perhaps have a think about the consequences of not making a change. Imagine it is ten years down the track, and you are posting here on the forums again asking these same questions. The only difference is that you are now ten years older. Is that a place you really want to find yourself in? Best wishes.

quirkywords · ‎20-02-2019

Sydneykat,

I have just read all your posts over the years and you are a very patient and kind person.

Only you can decide what you want to do , and what is best for yourself.

He seems to making all the decisions and deciding all the terms . you mentioned what you wanted and he then he disagrees.

You still seem to be involved with him and hope for a future despite everything that has happened.

Do you still have feelings for him ?

I can understand how you want him to be in his daughters life but if you also worry if you are setting a bad example for her by taking him back.

he decided on the divorce and for most people that is the closure of the relationship not another start.

I can see how all his changes of mind over the years would confuse you, but you need to really look at what you want and ask if you did let him comeback how long before he changes his mind again.

Quirky

geoff · ‎20-02-2019

Hi SydneyKat, thanks for posting your thread, and what you have told us, is this chap is playing 2 camps, in other words, he's seeing which home would be the best, sure it would theoretically, (in theory) be best to be with you and your daughter so help can be provided with food and bills, but, you can't be sure that he won't be tempted to play up once again.

I can't say what you should do but I know that it's happened to somebody I knew, he was not a friend but the son of someone I knew and many promises were broken and much heartbreak for the mother and child developed.

He shouldn't make any promises if he's not sure he can keep them, and it's better for him to say what he means, and it's a decision you need to make, a picture is worth ten thousand words.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

SydneyKat · ‎21-02-2019

Typo should have write 'circumstance'

SydneyKat · ‎25-02-2019

Do we know if this sort of thing ever works (if take I'm to take him back). On what grounds would one consider it?