Caught husband lying

[Lavenders-blue]

Hi, I haven't posted here before, but hoping for some advice. My husband had an accident a few years ago and has totally changed in his actions and behaviour. He has recently seen a psychologist who diagnosed ptsd. I am trying to be supportive, yet his behaviour is triggering me as all I have ever known of men is cheating behaviour. Prior to the accident I trusted him 100% and we had a very loving relationship. Now I have caught him out in several lies and I am struggling with it. He wants to go where he wants, do what he wants and doesn't have to answer to me as I not his mother! He stays out at night, he lies about where he is going and he was messaging a woman at work but not being open about it. Also, he was prescribed viagra, but says it does nothing for him as he feels numb, yet he takes it out with him in his wallet. He says he is trying to feel something..anything. I caught him out in some lies. He didn't go where he said, instead he got dressed up and went to bars in the city and also a strip club. I'm confused. I thought that ptsd made people want to shut themselves away, not go out to clubs etc. He says he is just trying to get back to who he was before. He also said that when he looks at me it's too emotional and a reminder of who he used to be , but he's not that person anymore. I'm confused as to whether this is ptsd behaviour or something else. I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't like to be touched by me anymore as he says his skin feels numb and that too is a reminder of hiw he used to feel, but doesn't anymore

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

PTSD in my experience, doesnt change your behaviour to become more distant and altering ones lifestyle. However a psychiatrist is trained in such matters.

With anyone that has such suspicions of their partners activities there is private investigation firms all over the country that can find out what is actually going on and is the common way to go about seeking real answers, until that evidence is actually in your possession, its all speculation. For example his "lost" persona could well be from him being confused, trying to find himself and so forth but as these activities wouldnt sit well with you he is hiding them.

So I suggest that his changes in introducing activities could be reasons other than his mental health. The same as depression doesnt usually lead to having affairs, more that its other common reasons.

I do feel your marital issues the lying, the strip clubs etc justify counselling. This situation is causing too much harm on you and answers need to come that give you either reassurance or a new beginning, in between is not ideal.

I'm sorry I cant assist further but feel free to repost.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Trauma from road accidents can be physical and psychological (or a combination of the two) with head injuries attributed more to personality changes - and sometimes this can yield quite contrasting behaviours.
It's difficult to guage whether this is a new character trait or something that was sufficiently curtailed over one's lifetime (effectively suppressed or possibly dormant?). The shock of an accident can also cause people to react in extreme ways as the realisation of our mortality sinks in (similar to mid life crises).
An inlaw of mine (who was always prim and proper) took on a whole new persona after a serious crash, speaking her mind with reckless abandon - I liked her so much more without the inhibition but immediate family found the changes difficult to accept.
I gather you might be battling with similar feelings as is your husband who can readily compare his former self with the present, but in his case the association is too confronting being a lesser version of things that once were.
It sounds similar to a 'personality amnesia' (if such a condition exists) where emotional parameters have dramatically shifted to a 'playboy' lifestyle. Hopefully, this might only be an adjustment phase toward a new normal, but it would also help to assess the situation at face value and not draw correlations to past expectations as this seems to be the source on conflict.

[Lavenders-blue]

Thank you for your response. It is much appreciated 

[Lavenders-blue]

Thank you for responding. It's hard to find your way through this when everything has changed so much. It's like grieving for what you once had

[tranzcrybe]

True, not only are things out of character, but you are also being subjected to flagrant disregard for the marriage you believed was loving and supportive.
For whatever reasons, your husband sounds lost and confused, sabotaging what you shared and jeopardising his future with aspirations of reclaiming his independence - the comment to "get back to who he was before" might refer to a period prior to your appearance which supports the case for PTSD. And while you may not have been a contributor to his trauma, it follows that your connection forms part of the equation that sees you being shunned, regrettably.

A greater test of your love and devotion to tolerate this I could not contemplate as you can only hope he comes to his senses in recognising the hurt inflicted and begin to confide in you to help restore the relationship.
But none of us are impervious to inconsiderate behaviour which will surely erode your stamina. At some point you may need to revert to your own well being as priority and I doubt anyone would blame you once all avenues have been explored.

[white knight]

Hi LB

It is the same for any relationship, sometimes lasting only months and we get members here explaining thier loss. I've had 3 long term relationships before my 12 yo marriage now. They lasted 7,11 and 10 years long. You lose your friends, in laws, step children, home full time parenthood and pets. It nearly destroys you.

I think it's time to weigh up your choices and plan a plan B. Give all you've got to repairing the relationship regardless of whether PTSD or other factors are to blame. I say that because people at the end of the day should expect a reasonably happy life and a miserable life isnt sustainable.

TonyWK

[Lavenders-blue]

• Tranzcrybe, a very considered response to my question, which has given me some points to consider.  I am currently trying to balance being supportive, whilst not losing who I am in the process. I really do appreciate your comments. They are very insightful

[Lavenders-blue]

White knight, thank you. I have at times had thoughts of a plan B. I'm currently fighting for this relationship, but one person cannot make a relationship on their own. 

[white knight]

Yes, that's true. I hope you find the strength to endure the outcome regardless of what it is. It is indeed a testing time but please keep hope going as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The following post might interest you. It is about the post split from my 1st wife and that transitional period, how I coped.  🙂

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

TonyWK