Can’t stop seeing my ex

[Whichway]

My ex left me 18 months ago, it was an unhealthy relationship, I’ve got some mental health issues and I was extremely attached to her while I always treated her well, she didn’t treat me that great and tried to fix a lot of my problems. When she left me, I let her go willingly I knew that I wasn’t up to being in a relationship with her at that time, even though I loved her so much… I don’t have a lot of confidence- I’ve not contacted her since but here’s the kicker. 

I work in three areas - one area is where she lives, where we fostered our relationship she walks past me while I’m working nearly everyday there. Sometimes with new guys. The first year I accepted it - breakups are hard they suck it’s just the way it is it’s going to hurt… I tried to avoid it as best I could, gave my self time to heal.. then I left and went travelling for six months had a great time and didn’t think about her much. 

now I’m back and see her everyday and I’m still getting the anxiety/panic where I completely shut down and feel like dying and feel horrible and helpless for the rest of the day. It honestly is like PTSD.  I see a therapist and live a really healthy life. Im at an odds for what to do, any helpful advice would be appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Yes, I've had a similar experience, had a GF for 7 years and after we split, sometimes I'd work in her neighbourhood and couldn't resist driving past. Then months later a chance meeting at the local shops, a 15 minute chat was enough to remind me of the negatives.

And that could be what you need, to remind yourself of the bad times, what was missing.

Moving on includes several things-

• Time
• Distraction
• Acceptance
• Dating
• New friends
• Self praise

I wouldn't feel guilty over reaction that are quite normal.

TonyWK

[Whichway]

I agree  and I’ve done all of those things…

I am feeling guilty over it but it just has such a big effect on me. I cannot concentrate on work for the rest of the shift and it’s not that surprising, I get trapped there and can’t leave she could walk past at any moment… its horrible…I wish there was something more I could do to neutralise it.

[ecomama]

Dear Whichway, welcome to the forums.

What do you feel guilty about? I saw your reply to Tony WK and I was surprised to read that. 

It'd probably drive anyone a bit crazy to see their ex alot. 
It's like you're having "Exposure Therapy" but without the Trauma Psychologist to guide you. Perhaps you can bring this reference to your therapist to gain some strategies? 

I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I've healed a lot. 
Do you know the weird thing about trauma responses like these? 
We see the person everywhere and or get totally stressed out at the THOUGHT of seeing them that day.. on and on. 

My suggestion are: 
* pretend she doesn't exist wherever you are.
* stop looking for her where you work. Concentrate on looking for other things eg birds instead. 
* if you need to, tally the times you do see her eg in a little book. To help you gain some perspective. 
* KNOW you are safe... do the 5 things technique to ground you - think of 5 things you can smell, hear etc.. 

Remind yourself at all times that you made it through last time and you'll make it through again. 

It's great to know your travelling holiday was a relief and break for you. Well done! 

Love EM

[white knight]

Yes EM, spot on. Also Whichway, identify these fear as unrealistic. Intrusive thoughts are hard to bare and from my experience good therapy can work wonders in this area.  As EM suggested, perhaps raise it with your current professional. 

I was taught how to separate unrealistic thought from real ones. I'd ask myself "is that likely"?. If not I'd erase it by distraction... a hobby or interest.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Whichway, you say 'she didn't treat you that great', well that's exactly what's happening now, by walking past your work with another guy and please remember love doesn't go one way, two people have to adore each other, otherwiae it won't work.

Geoff.

Life Member.