Can Love Your Family,But Don’t Have to like them as People

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I have been told by many people including mental health professionals,that you can love your family members, but don’t have to actually like them as people. Or even choose them as friends or people you would interact with otherwise.

 I am finding this very truthful at the moment. Throughout the years, I have consistently lowered my expectations and they still haven’t been met. And if I were to label them from an outsiders pov, narcissistic,debasing, gaslighting,enabling and the ability to not be empathetic would be words I’d use to describe some of my family.

Sometimes I have come to accept that this is a certain aspect of this person and still find a way to love them,knowing they won’t change. It hurts and it takes some time to come to terms with.

What are your experiences/thoughts on this titled topic?

And when if you wouldn’t stand for it from a friend or acquaintance,do you not stand for it from family?

And then what choices do you have?

Thank you.

ABC01

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I hope you don't mind a short reply here, as I could go on for a long time. (I have been seeing a psychologist for few years now as what you wrote about is part of my story.) And my Dad died at the beginning of this year. At that time, there was bond I knew I had with the man. And while in therapy there was/is all the stuff that I would talk about which made me feel unworthy, hopeless etc. It's a contradiction that is hard to come to terms with... 

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

Thank you for your reply.

Thank you for empathising with me and I support you on your journey too.

It is a tricky one…

ABC01

[smallwolf]

So how are you at the moment?

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

I am not great. I have multiple issues going on and then had a massive fight with a family member out of the blue,that put me into a state of shock. My body has slowed down and my mind has gone quiet. I am having trouble being able to write words with a pen. And it is very hard to stay awake,because I feel distressed.

However, I did sit down with that person today to discuss the fight and some of the things said. There is closure on that fight. So I am hoping that will help alleviate some of the stress and things may ease.

I know family is supposed to be unconditional love. But maybe that isn’t reality. Maybe that is just a saying used,like a Hallmark card. I am just not sure how much reality I can really take at the moment. So maybe I just need to focus on just myself. I am just not sure of the direction. Self care and I can call the hotline. I can also talk on here too.

So thank you for asking. That helped more then you know today.

ABC01

[smallwolf]

Hey there 🙂

One of the things I worked out with my family at least was to the not bring up topics that could cause problems. Does that mean I was not true to myself. Probably. But for me that was better than getting into an argument or debate. I should perhaps add that I am also a people pleaser type person. I also have my own family and seeing the "others" was/is something you (read "I") have control over.

Now.... taking care of yourself is very important. And it was also good to read that you were able to resolve (?) the fight you mentioned. Might I ask how the fight started? (Something else I worked out was to walk away from a discussion if it was about to turn ugly.)

And writing things down (as you have done) can also be a helpful way of getting things out of yourself. 

I hope we might be able to chat for a few days or longer to come...

[ABC01]

Hello smallwolf,

 I am a peacekeeper personality myself. I try to put out fires before they start and diffuse any conflict before it starts. I might add, most of the time in the last couple of years they haven’t been as successful as before. Instead of trying to give a different perspective, I am often seen as “knowing it all” or “being inflexible/black or white”. “Always having something to say”. The trouble and truth with that, is I know alot of things different family members have confided in me,so I am trying to stop a situation getting worse,but without betraying a confidence.

I believe alot of people avoid topics to not start arguments. It is easier and less energy to do so. Plus the fallout to deal with. Many people aren’t level headed and open for a conversation where you can have different points of view,and be able to walk away understanding each others and that be okay, however not agreeing with each other. Usually one has to give in to the other or pretend they are. There is usually a dominant person too. And they are always someone you want to avoid confrontation with.

The argument started over the person doing something I asked them not to do. Something small and simple,if listened too. They didn’t,and they told me that they didn’t. Unfortunately the issue was over a massive fear of mine and when I tried to explain why to them, not doing what I had asked was a big issue for me, I was called irrational. Nothing I tried to explain was computed or tried to be seen if they put themselves in my shoes. So we just kept escalating. I have stopped many heightened conversations before,(I have been taught how to assert boundaries in therapy)but this one hit a nerve. And that nerve made me Roar. I don’t want to explain that nerve,it is incredibly raw, but it is something I talk to professionals about. So it is very important to me and sensitive. So the fight only ended with harsh words and the neighbours definitely heard it all.

 I wanted the argument to be talked through and certain things that were said,from both sides to be explained and apologised for. So the harshest statements were settled between us and I no longer feel I have to avoid them now. Unfortunately, I do live with my immediate family and don’t have the luxury of space from them. Sometimes that is a curse, but sometimes it is a blessing.

I am happy to keep chatting too. It isn’t nice to hear others experience the things I do,but that in a way,there is comfort in that. And that small slice of it can be a day changer depending on what is happening in life.

It is the biggest shame to have to hide your real self from anyone at all.

So please feel free to say anything you need to,even if we are addressing something about myself. 
ABC01

[smallwolf]

You mentioned therapy in your email, so I'll bite there ...

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for about 7 years (now)  and less often than a few years ago. For myself, I know that change takes time. It can take a long time. Sigh. Even when it comes to communication using "I" vs "you" can make a big difference. Or "wish" instead of "but". There are plenty of other examples. This stuff comes from how people would talk to me and my reaction. I tend to be dismissive of things like compliments and feel responsible when things don't work out. Stupid I know. This is also what makes me, me.  And so changing the way the "react" is unwinding 50+ years of habit. 

I also know that relapses are possible. I have a story from my psychologist about a sheep in a paddock going from one of the yard to the other each evening. It does not mean a reset, but to keep trying. And one day we will get there...

[sbella02]

Hello ABC01, wishing you a warm welcome you back to the forums.

I'd like to weigh in on this topic, because one thing you said really spoke to me - the idea of unconditional love.

I think the idea of unconditional love is interesting, because it implies that you have an obligation to love somebody regardless of how they treat you, which I don't think is, or should be, the case. Healthy love has conditions. It must, otherwise we lose the ability to love ourselves in the pursuit of "love" from somebody else.

The reality is that some people just don't treat others very well. Whether it's from a family member, a friend, a partner, whomever, we must acknowledge continual and/or deliberate disrespect where it occurs, and take into consideration what behaviour we will and will not accept from somebody who is meant to love us.

Albeit, it can be very difficult to just "end" a relationship with somebody like this, particularly if they're family, but it's up to us to consider the consequences of keeping them in our life with losing them. Depending on the kind of behaviour, it can be as simple as having a conversation to bring attention to it, or as complex as cutting someone out of your life without discussion. Again, this is highly context-dependent. 

Make sure you're being kind to and patient with yourself at the moment. Give yourself all the love you need. What brings you joy, do you have any hobbies or passion projects? Working on something like that can help to ground you if you're feeling distressed.

I hope this helps a little, feel free to keep chatting with us some more, we're here as you know.

Take care, SB

[ABC01]

Dear smallwolf,

That sheep story is interesting. I see hope in that message. Side Note: I also like sheep,so that maybe a good one to recall if needed.

I don’t think it is stupid about how you react to complaints or feel responsible if things don’t work out. I know quite alot of people who have told me that. At least 3 or 4. It is generally related to how you have been treated as a child/adolescent and generally by their families. Almost like an automatic response. Like we don’t deserve nice things to be said about us. And shoulda,coulda,woulda’s may have stopped the situation turning out like that if only….

 I hate being touched. I was told by someone I flinch if they were to try to hug me. I didn’t get family displays of affection, so it was an automatic response for me. I didn’t even know I did it. Now I have learned how to control that. Don’t get me wrong,it isn’t a free for all being touched,but I have learned that not all touch is dangerous.

Things do take time to change and grow. Sometimes though, I wish they’d hurry up. But sometimes I am not the one who has to grow and change. And sometimes pigs fly too.🐷

ABC01