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can I get some help in making decisions, I feel overwhelmed , want to leave ,but too afraid of loneliness etc

HopefulE
Community Member

I've been with my partner for 7+ years , he's a binge drinker ,(had threats & ugly things said to me.)

Kind of want to move back home , but feel like a failure, afraid I'll be financially ruined & homeless as well as lonely how can i deal with these self-destructive thoughts?I don't feel close to him any more

5 Replies 5

Jo
Community Member

Hey HopefulE,

Can I ask why you might see yourself as a failure? It's not you that binge drinks or is making threats or saying ugly things. It kind of sounds like you might be taking all the responsibility of the relationship faltering when in actual fact there are two people involved. The logistics of finances and home and loneliness are never easy to contemplate or navigate, but I suppose at one point or another we ask ourselves whats most important? Truth is it only you can answer that, and sometimes that answer requires searching for. I wish for you everything you need to find it.

Have you had any conversations with your partner to let them know exactly how YOU are feeling? Perhaps setting some boundaries might be useful?

The self-destructive thoughts challenge them, delete them, or debate them, the burden of this is not only yours to carry. Wishing you all the very best.

Take care

Jo.

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Hopeful,

AS a recovering alcholic whos 17 years sober now. I can tell you this much. You need to put firm boundaries in place and be ready and willing to follow through with them.

If that means telling him if he doesn't get help you'll walk then so be it. It does not make you a failre. It makes you a strong woman who can look after her own mental health.

In active binge drinking it's never our fault to us. We've done nothing wrong so why do people get upset. That's why our heads tell us so we try and find fault in others. If we can't fault we will often make something up.

I know this sounds cruel but that's how early alcholism/ binge drinkers can be.

Its not that we don't love those around us. It's just a disease of the mind and body.

Please please protect your own mental health atm. I know it' not easy and probably scared but to save you as a person it needs to be done.

Feeling_Lonely
Community Member

Hi HopefulE!

I love your user name, being hopeful is a positive trait 🙂

I think the most important question that you need to ask yourself right now is, “are you happy?”

I’m sensing that the answer is no. In order to find that happiness once more, something needs to change. Change can be hard and scary but it’s not something that needs to be done on your own... and try to remember that everything that is good in life has been borne out of change.

You mentioned moving home, have you spoken with your family about doing this? I’m sure they would be supportive and knowing that you are safe would surely be important to them and to yourself. Moving home doesn’t have to be a permanent thing, but a temporary stop whilst you get yourself back on your feet and spend some time focusing on yourself.

Thank you for sharing your story. Leaving doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you strong, it shows that you value and love yourself. Take care x

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi HopefulE,

Welcome to the community here. Only you can decide what is best to do.

My psychologist would probably recommend that you grab a piece of paper. One it write down REASONS TO STAY then make another list REASONS TO LEAVE. Write down everything that comes to mind. Put this aside for an hour or so, then have another look at it.

Consider your options. If you move, how would you do that? Is low self esteem preventing you form doing what you feel you need to do? Are there people who can help you if you do move?

Would leaving your relationship mean you are a failure, or that you are following your ideas and thoughts through?

If you decide to stay, what can you change? Could you live with your decision to stay?

Only you know the whole story and how you truly feel inside. We can offer you our thoughts and suggestions, hopefully some of them are beneficial.

From Dools

Hi hope. Agree with some others , have you talked to him,?

So many people in marriages or relationships never say a word until they've had enough and take off.

lf you still love him or still could if he fixed the shyt, you should try that and then give him time to work on it , if he's open to that,.

dunno how many marriages just that alone would've save in the world, mine included .