Broken inside

[Guest_66452333]

I got married to my husband (soon to be ex) 8 years ago. When I was 10 months pregnant, he broke up with me as this wasn't what he wanted. He has ADHD and Bipolar Type 2 and is not stable.

Right after he broke up with me, he came back when I had the baby for our daughter's sake.

However, our relationship has been very complicated and we really didn't "get back together." We were more than friends but not in a committed relationship. I have asked him to move out several times, which he did, but somehow he always came back to the "family" house. I always accepted him as I had hope we could build a family again, I guess.

We have a sexual relationship until now, and I am like his support worker. I make sure his appointments, money, etc., are okay. I have been his emotional and everyday support. We tell each other "I love you" every day.

A couple of weeks ago, he came back crying and told me that he has a girl who he likes and is into now. He felt guilty, so he told me. I have asked him not to tell me anything related to girls he hangs out with, as I know I can't take it very well. I told him that if he wants to do whatever he wants, he has to move out first.

He said, "I know this is going to hurt my wife; however, I need to do this and give myself permission to move forward, even if it hurts her so much." He and the girl talked about the situation and decided not to contact each other until he moved out (but they see each other at college sometimes).

He keeps telling me that me and our daughter are at the top of his pyramid and no one can replace us. Me and our daughter come first, and we are his first priority above everything else. If he had to choose between me and the girl, he said he would choose me without hesitation and protect me.

for his birthday, he want me to be there so he is not going to invite the girl who he likes...

According to him, He doesn't want to see me in pain or hurt, and it's killing him.

He said he wants to keep this family like it used to be, where he chills and spends time with us at my house. He wants to celebrate Christmas together and go on holidays together.

I am lost and don't know what I should do.

am I being manipulated by his words? or am i just too stupid to not be able to let him go? 😞

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

This sounds like a very difficult situation. It's completely understandable to feel lost and confused. And if I can summarise what you said - You've been incredibly strong in taking care of your daughter and your soon-to-be ex-husband. You also deserve a healthy, supportive relationship.

It's okay to prioritize your own well-being. You are certainly not stupid for hoping things could work. However, his words and actions seem contradictory.

Have you or are you able to talk to family or friends about this? If that seems too diffcult then perhaps a counsellor who can help you find a way to move forward?

One last thing that I can say is and I don't know how much of this applies to you ... when you head and your heart tell you different stories. At least this was for me but in a different situation.

Listening ....

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you 🙂

I'm wondering whether your husband's desire is to experience excitement with this new woman, while also wanting to experience a sense of comfort (with elements of excitement) with you. So incredibly hard when you both want the latter.

I once heard a brilliant description of emotion as 'energy in motion' or e-motion. It's the kind of energy you can feel. While some things will trigger different emotions (whether we like it or not), on the other hand we can go looking to feel certain emotions by seeking specific triggers in the form of people, places, substances, experiences etc. If your husband's a natural excitement seeker, he may look for what feels exciting. While some people will do this for arrogant and purely self serving reasons, others may do it because a lack of exciting emotion/s can become legitimately depressing for them. So, it's a way of managing mental health. If this is the case with your soon to be ex husband, would you say the only way to manage redeveloping a relationship with him (without that other woman who triggers excitement) would be for him to face the challenge of bringing more excitement to the relationship you both share? If it's a lot of hard work he's not prepared to undertake, then I suppose you could say he wants a somewhat effortless relationship with you. Is that what you want? I imagine it's not.

From personal experience and having been with the same guy for 25 years, I can say it's a hard relationship to manage when the other person isn't prepared to work hard on developing the relationship. When they're seeking comfort without work, we can be the one left making a lot of the adjustments while also facing a lot of challenging emotions. I'm wondering if your soon to be ex has ever been led to better understand his emotions while also being challenged to develop skills in mastering them, while also considering you and your feelings.