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Broke up with bf, mixed emotions

Yerrrrrp
Community Member

Hi all,

I broke up with my bf a few days ago and I have so many mixed emotions about it. I feel relieved because everyday was starting to feel so stressful. He seemed miserable all the time, basically hated my kids and complained about literally everything even when there was nothing to complain about, he would bring something up from months ago randomly and just little tiny things that are like nothing. Now maybe that was the issue because I don't hold onto things and stay mad or annoyed about something small and stupid. So of course bringing stuff up that just seemed old and trivial months later then made me mad and I would basically ignore it so I wouldn't act mad and have an argument.

Part of the problem with that is- in my opinion, you can't complain about certain things when you do the same. For example he would complain about my kids not doing housework, not working or paying their way etc etc yet he didn't pay his way or do housework, spent alot of time off work doing nothing just like my now adult son was. How could he bag out my son like he was any better when my son has contributed more money than him. Yes he bought food sometimes and cooked for everyone sometimes but alot of the time he was just petty about that stuff. He would cook food but not for the older kids. I kind of felt like it would be like me cooking for everyone but him because he didn't contribute. My kids are my kids, of course I will feed them and give them a house to live in even if they don't contribute. But they are not his kids so why should he could for them. But he was supposed to be my partner. We were never what I would call partners because of these things and so I always called him my bf.

As you can probably see, there is alot to unpack here. I can see things from his point of view and I really wanted things to work out but I think we both checked out of the relationship a long time ago. He probably just didn't check out of my house because it was a free place to stay.

There is so much more stuff I can't stop thinking about.

So yeah It's a pretty confusing feeling time for me. I feel relieved but I also feel sad for not seeing things fully earlier and trying to fix things or not breaking up then, sad because I am alone and it's just weird. So so many things going through my head.

Thanks for reading if you made it 🙂

7 Replies 7

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Yerrrrrp,

I'm sorry to hear you had to end the relationship. While it sounds like you did so for very valid reasons, and you still stand by the decision as you'd both already checked out a long time ago, it still is a painful experience. Breakups are really hard and I hope you can find time in the next while to just give yourself some room to breath and do what you need to do.

It sounds like you have a lot of mixed emotions and thoughts which is totally understandable; the relationship sounds like it didn't quite meet your expectations but you still really wanted it to work out, and now you feel quite alone. It may only be a temporary pain, but it's still quite painful and this might be a good time to call on some of your other supports who maybe you didn't need as much while you were in a relationship.

Have you had a chance to speak to anyone you feel close to?

Take care for now. We're here for you.

James

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Yerrrrrp, when someone suddenly begins living with you as a bf, then it's their responsibility to contribute, do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and appreciate what your children do just like you, it's not their place to become dictatorial and do as they see fit.

They have to contribute because it's just not a place for them to stay, you have your rules, agenda and even routine and if he refuses to abide by common sense then any future with this person will not last very long.

It's not right for someone to dominate a new relationship, especially if they are a complete stranger to the household, however, suggestions and being able to negotiate with certain issues can be allowed under a normal discussion, but it's your house that favours you, rather than him.

It's impossible to love someone who complains about one of your children not doing something when they have no idea of doing it themselves, it's not their position.

You may feel alone, but you have learnt something very important and this will be added to the knowledge of dating another person.

Whatever else you are thinking about, please come back and explain it to us, we are here to help you.

My best.

Geoff.

Yerrrrrp
Community Member

Thanks for reading and your support 🙂

I have a really good friend I speak with everyday, alot. But I don't really talk deep stuff with her about feelings and stuff. Actually, I don't talk to anyone about stuff like that.

I've done some rearranging around the house to keep me busy.

It feels good to feel free but still weird.

It wasn't the worst relationship I've had but I think I'm done with relationships now. I've spent the majority of my life in crap relationships now. I think it's time to enjoy being alone.

Yerrrrrp
Community Member

Thanks Geoff 🙂

You are completely right. It all started falling apart when I moved into the house I am in now because it was like it was our house. Before that, things were better. We spent alot of time together but I was in that house before we got together so it was like my house. I think we were probably 'done' 6 months later but stayed together for about 2 years miserable.

I still don't know why he didn't end it earlier or why I didn't. I asked him one time about 1 year ago if he wanted to break up and he said don't be silly and that he will stop drinking etc etc but nothing changed.

I feel like he was about to cheat on me if not all ready. He was very secretive with his phone, everytime I walked near I would see him quickly change screens. About a month or so ago I noticed an earring in his wardrobe which wasn't mine, stuck to something that must have been in his pocket. I didn't think too much of it because I thought maybe he just saw it somewhere and picked it up for some reason. But when he cleared out the robe, it was like the only thing left in there and I feel like that was probably like some kind of message to me.

 

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Yerrrrp,

Ah, I hear you. We can be best of friends with someone and still want to keep some things private. I think that's fine, so long as we have a way to deal with the heavier stuff. In my case, that is my sister in a pinch, and also my psychologist who I see regularly. In the last four years, that's been enough for me.

I hope you find enjoyment in the single life for a while. I've been single for the longest time since my teens and it's been a strange, sometimes difficult, but mostly free time where I've had more time to explore my own hobbies and things. I've certainly had to lean on friends more just to be social, especially with covid around, but it's been positive overall. Good, but weird, as you say!

James

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Yerrrrrp, just concerned about how you are going.

Someone who says they are going to stop drinking rarely happens in certain conditions, if they do want to stop they just do it themselves without having to necessarily tell people.

We hope you are feeling a little stronger and if not, then please we'd love to hear back from you.

My best.

Geoff. x

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi,

Hope you don't mind me sticking my nose in here. I read your story and a couple of things stuck out for me...

The earring... I am sorry to read about the possibility of cheating. I would hope it was not left as a hint for you. His actions are outside of your control and if there was an issue, one would hope they might be able to talk about it. You are worth it.

Not leaving earlier ... different scenarios for me but I tend to stay in the hope that things will change. If that person does change, will be critical of self for not be patient and waiting long enough. And if you eventually leave am critical of self for not doing it earlier. We make decisions with the information in front of us. There is no right or wrong way.

If there were times previously you thought about it and stayed, that was the right decision at the time. You found something that made you want to stay.

Now the answer is different.

And there is a space in your life now where he was. And you might grieve over what was. Or not. Angry that he did not change his behaviour? Satisfied with your decision? Sad about the end of the relationship? And lots of other emotions? I am only guessing.

(These are the sorts of emotions I go through.)