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Breaking up with someone you are deeply in love with

Felix94
Community Member

Today my girlfriend and I broke up. We've been together for 3.5 years. We met when we were both 19, and fell in deeply in love. It was the most amazing opening experience of my life. We connected on so many levels. We cared and supported each other. We travelled through India and Nepal together. We told each other everything about ourselves, our insecurities, our childhoods, our hopes and dreams. It was truly an amazing experience.

As the years went on though we started to have some troubles. I began to become restless, even though our relationship was so special I wanted something more, I'm not sure why I just wasn't content. I began to take her for granted, and in retrospect didn't treat her so well. I made her feel insecure and as a result, our beautiful relationship began to become less trusting and we would go through periods of being estranged from each other. I let her down quite a few times and we had a few 'breaks.'

I'm not sure why I pushed her away because I do love her more than anything. Subconscious patterns developed in our relationship which caused hurt. I never intentionally wanted to hurt her. I guess a lot of the problems in our relationship are from childhood traumas of my own (domestic violence in the family home).

So today we mutually decided to break up. I don't want to cause her any more hurt. My hope is that I can sort myself out so that sometime in the future we can maybe be together again. I don't want to poison our relationship now by trying to 'make it work', I'd rather us break up now while we're not resentful towards each other so that we might have a chance in the future.

My hope now is that I can deal with my problems and become mature enough to be with her in a healthy relationship in the future. Is this silly to hold on to this hope? Should I just try to move on? I'm not sure. if anyone has any advice for this situation I'd greatly appreciate it.

We both still love each other but we aren't growing together as individuals, and we have developed negative patterns in our relationship which I haven't been able to break. I'm hurting so much and have spent the whole day crying. I hope I haven't lost the best thing I ever had.

Thank you for listening,

Felix

2 Replies 2

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Felix and welcome to the forums,

An end to a relationship is always a difficult time. Especially when you can see clearly the ways you do and have worked as a couple.

I think sometimes it is a good thing to make a clean break with no expectations for the future. When you keep in contact, remain as friends or keep tabs on social media... It is extremely hard to move on.

Right now you might not feel like moving on and that's ok. That's grief. You've lost something you valued.

As cliche as it sounds time is your friend. Keep busy. Find hobbies and ask friends to fill your time. Focus on you for a while. Your health. Your work. Your passions.

Give it time. And give her space. I always felt if someone is your match we are always drawn back home eventually.

A lifetime ago I did the same. The hardest part was that he wanted to stay friends. I hated it. It was the same emotional connection just without sex. And it made me feel unable to have the space I needed. Unable to move on even of I wished to. It might be tempting to want to stay close to her but please reconsider that. It just makes it worse. Space and time and keeping busy.

One day you'll either reconnect or like me you'll be able to look back and appreciate the memories and friendship but be happy you have both moved on. But for now... Give yourself space to care for yourself.

Nat

Traceyintassie
Community Member

Hi Felix,

Im going through the same situation. Im trying to stay in contact instead of ceasing contact. I hope time will heal all wounds but its hard not to answer a message because it seens to give hope.

I think we have to trust that if its meant to be it will. If not you have the memories. Im trying to resist contact but failing miserably because i know time lessens the hurt and I need to start the grieving process.

I hope you have family that support you, because i dont.

I hope things get better for you.

Regards Tracey