Boyfriend told to leave me after 2 sessions.

[Teagen]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years. During this time he has cheated repeatedly but I love him so I have stayed. Over Christmas I found out he had cheated again but decided to try work through it. Then on New Years he cheated again and I ended the relationship. We have recently built and moved into a house together and got a dog. I still love him and know that he has some big mental health stuff going on and I want to be with him so I suggested an open relationship with a couple of boundaries which he agreed too. We have been more open and honest with each other than ever. It has not been easy as I am learning a new way of loving him and have become emotional about it a couple of times. My boyfriend also began seeking help for his mental health. He had his second session with a psych yesterday and told me that she said, she thinks he should break up with me or even take a six month break from me because he can't grow if he's worried about me. I am really shocked by this and feel like there is no way this psych could know my boyfriend or our situation properly in two sessions. Is this normal? I know we have our stuff to work through but I don't think it's a toxic situation. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

[Croix]

Dear Teagen~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry you are having theses difficulties, they must be very puzzling as well as hurtful. You sound as if you are the very opposite of toxic, in fact perhaps too accommodating.

Frankly I would be surprised if your bf's psych had said he had to end a relationship, or put anything so strongly anyway. I guess the only way to be sure would be to accompany your bf to a session and hear it direct. I'd not expect your bf to give permission. Normally a loving partner is regarded as an asset and source of support, even if they have to learn what works.

The only time a medical professional has recommend I be away from family is when I was hospitalized, which was not due to them.

If you look at things your bf had a comfortable arrangement, to be with you, plus others when he felt like it. Now matters have changed and you are taking a more active role in monitoring the situation, even if relaxing your expectations in the process.

Please forgive me for being blunt.

Leaving to one side lack of consideration and the hurt it can cause cheating is an act of dishonesty. With a proven track record of not telling the truth when it suited him is there any reason to think he is telling the truth now? It may be he is uncomfortable in the new relationship between you and either wants you to return to your former ways or finish things between you.

Your bf does not sound the type to be excessively worried about you considering his past actions, then again maybe I'm assuming too much.

I've been guessing, what do you think?

As an aside I'm not sure how many people cheat due to mental illness, I guess maybe there must be some however in my own case I've wanted it distance myself from everyone, loved ones included, but as I improved so did my desire to be with my family.My only dishonesty has been in minimizing my condition.

May I ask if you have people to lend you support? Parents, family or friends. Trying to get though all this by yourself is very hard.

Please feel you can talk here anytime

Croix

[Soberlicious96]

In my experience, a person who has cheated repeatedly is quite possibly never going to be one who will bring happiness to you, if you are the only one in the relationship who is seeking monogamy. From what I read, and please feel free to disagree, but it seems you are bending yourself into impossible shapes just to please him because you 'love' him ...... but the part where "He said that she said ......." well, it could just be a sign to get out before the next time he cheats. As in, not if, but when.

I guess my big question is this: if you truly don't see it as toxic, then why are you on here asking if it's normal? Because if it's not "normal", then what is it?

I can tell you that too, once upon a time, fell in love with a serial cheater, and it damn near broke me. I had blindly told myself that I could change him, that those other women were too weak or just not enough for him, and that I was different. I just could not see that the whole time he was just using me as one of the many women he was using for his own selfish, and sexually addictive nature. And although he and I are still friends today, I can now clearly see that he is, in my eyes anyway, a very unwell predator. He's married now ..... and yet he still flirts outrageously with me. It angers me sometimes to think that it's like he just has no respect for monogamy and faithfulness. That intimate relationships are not only about being physically loyal, but also keeping loyal in the heart.

But that's just me. Like I said, you can disagree if you like. There is no way on earth today, that I would put up with someone who did not share the same relationship values as me. I don't lower my moral/social/relational/sexual compass for anyone. Not that I think I'm perfect, far from it. I just think that I'm worth more than I used to think I was worth ..... if that makes sense.

Anyway, at the end of the day it's your life, and ultimately your choice. I guess my suggestion is that if you are laying your head on the pillow with peace, then it's okay. If not ...... then maybe some real change is needed. Cos I know one thing is for absolute certain: If you keep on doing what you've always done, you're gonna keep on gettin' what you always got. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Take care. I wish you all the very best. xo

[geoff]

Hello Teagen, welcome to the forums.

Not an easy thread to reply to on a site, but quite a straightforward one otherwise, but it would be rather brash for his psych to tell him to have a 6 month break because that's not going to stop him worrying so that he can grow, unless that's what he has told you.

People often cheat because they think it keeps them young and attractive but they break the trust and loyality in the relationship, but what would happen if you cheated on him and wonder how he would feel.

If you want to stay with him because of the house you built is understandable, but how can you stop a cheater who is always looking around.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Teagen

Of course, it's impossible to know exactly what the psych said to your partner and vice versa. If you were present, you may have found the conversation to make perfect sense. You never know, it could have gone something like this:

'I've cheated on my partner several times in the past, which has caused her great pain. She has now agreed to an open relationship so as to accommodate me'

'Do you think that's fair on your partner?'

'No, not really but I want the relationship to continue because I care about her'

'Do you think caring about your partner and being fair are 2 different things? What do you think would happen if you took a 6 month break? A break may give you and your partner the opportunity to to think about what you really want from a relationship'

Let's pretend the conversation went something like this. 1) The break is a suggestion and not a direct instruction and 2) The psych, in this case, is raising the issue of what is fair on you. How your partner hears what the psych has said and how he conveys it to you are factors to consider.

Another thing to keep in mind is the fact that she is hearing from only one member of the relationship. You mention 'I am really shocked by this and feel like there is no way this psych could know my boyfriend or our situation properly in two sessions.' I'd have to agree with this unless he has given her a significant piece of information that has prompted this response from her, a piece of information he hasn't shared with you.

You have every right to question him in regard to the conversation, in the way it relates to your relationship. If something doesn't quite sit right with you, when it comes to what he's saying, trust your instincts.

Take care Teagen