Boyfriend left me because of my mental illnesses.

[lost_101]

He said he didn't love me anymore, that he was sick of me feeling the way I do (anxiety and depression). He used to say he would always love me no matter what I go through in regards to my mental illness, but just a few hours ago, after an overnight depression and anxiety 'episode' he said he can't deal with it anymore. After 7 months he said he was happy to let it go.

He said he's sick of me not communicating when I get in those 'episodes' but I've tried explaining to him it's so hard for me to talk when every second I feel like crying and there are millions of thoughts swimming through my mind and I can't immediately grasp at a coherent one. I'm doing CBT and I'm working on it but after 7 months, he said he hasn't seen good enough progress. I tried to tell him that it may take a while for me to break free from my mental illnesses but he said he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He said he likes everything being to a standard, and that he can see I can't live up to that. I told him we can both set some standards and work around it together but he didn't want to hear it. He eventually admitted he doesn't love me anymore, and broke up with me telling me to move on. He didn't want to hear anything about us working it out, he just wanted me to go.

I'm so lost and broken, I have no idea what to do. Because of my depression and anxiety, I haven't loved anyone before until I met him. I was so scared to and I admit it had taken me a while to even settle into the relationship because I've never known of the feelings and differences that come with one. We've had so many good times together that they've outweighed the bad. But the bad is always me feeling sad or anxious about something and as I'm trying to get over it he yells at me and gets so angry so of course that it makes me feel worse, to which he then gets even angrier. I like to work it out on my own but he didn't let me. Maybe in the end we just didn't fit. But I've introduced him to family and they LOVE him, and that made me really happy. He genuinely made me happy, and even after hearing him say he doesn't love me anymore I STILL love him. I really do hate myself.

I don't think anyone will love me again. I was just turning 19 when I met him, he was my first kiss and who I lost my virginity to. If it took me until 19 to find that I may never find it again. I'm not pretty so it's not easy. I'm so scared that my life is just going to spiral down again like it had before I knew him. I am truly lost now.

[Juliet_84]

Hi lost_101,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this right now. It’s always terrible to have your heart broken, and even more when someone does it because of something that you are already insecure about. The bit that you wrote that stood out to me in particular was “I’m doing CBT and I’m working on it, but after 7 months..he hasn’t seen enough progress. I tried to tell him that it may take awhile for me to break free from my mental illnesses”. You should never have to suppress or break free from your mental illnesses so that someone else can tolerate it. Firstly you can’t, it’s an illness like any other illness - if you had diabetes would he tell you to get rid of it? Secondly, someone who loves you should be worried or concerned how it’s affecting you, whereas this seems all about how it’s affecting him. I know this is a really sad time, but you deserve someone who accepts you, all of you, and there are wonderful, supportive people out there. You can’t live with a person like that, always hiding a part of yourself because he doesn’t totally accept you. Like you, I always think that no one will ever accept me for me, and I’m pretty sure most people feel that way after breaking up, but people overcome a lot more, raising children from other relationships, dealing with major illness etc.

[Croix]

Dear Lost_101 (with a wave to Juliet_84)~

There are all sorts of people in the world, some are caring and steadfast, others selfish and shortsighted. You ex boyfriend is finding out what sort of a person he is, and I don't envy him.

Sadly even though you made a huge commitment it was not a true partnership. This is not a reflection on you. I know, you find that hard to believe. The reason it sounds unlikely is simply because you have not experienced a proper partnership - as yet. If you had you would know people do not abandon ship when things are less than perfect. Their love and concern for the other person makes them want to help, to understand, to cooperate, to make things better.

I'm not pretending there are never times of friction or hasty words spoken, we are all human, but they are, in a proper relationship, small things easily forgiven.

I would agree if someone has depression it is not always easy for the partner. Depression can make one withdrawn, seem self-centered,un-affectionate and other things too. From what you say you tried as hard as you could to include him, explain, set goals and all the rest. He simply was not interested. You also are actively seeking treatment. You do all the right things.

So now you are by yourself, and sadly will blame yourself, and not see all the good things about you. Would you abandon someone after a few short months if they were ill? Would you refuse to work with them to make things better for both of you?

I'll tel you something I've found about pretty. Love makes someone pretty, it shines in their eyes and in all their being. When you love again (and you will) it will show.

You know what is important.

By know I thing you will have got the feeling I feel sorrier for your ex and anyone else he has a relationship with. He has himself to live with. You will get over the depression, and will go on to a better life like so many have. The fact he could put on a good face to your family is neither here nor there.

Despite all hte words above you are in a bad time, and it won't go away overnight. So who is there to support you now? Parents, other family, a friend? Not being alone right now, having someone to share the problem, is good.

Things do get better, in a surprisingly short time you will not feel the same

Croix

[Juliet_84]

That even made me feel better, Croix ☺️ You always know just what to say!

[MsPurple]

HI lost. I'm sorry your boyfriend broke up with you. I completely agree with Croix. He has offered wonderful insight on relationships and how him deciding to end it is not on you. When you love someone you take the good and the bad. You support your partner because you love them. They should know it is not your fault you have a mental illness, like a person who has diabetes.

I know when I was 19 and my first relationship ended, I didn't think I could ever date anyone again. I honestly thought I would be forever alone. I thought my mental health could be a deal breaker. But it isn't. It doesn't define you. Yes it maybe a part of you but it doesn't define you. I used to look at myself as less because of my mental illness but know I don't. It doens't matter, I am a good, loving, loyal person. Why should something I can't help hold me back from happiness. I hope you can feel this way again. I know it will be difficult now but in time.

[Croix]

Dear Juliet_84 and Lost_101~

Firstly Juliet thank you for saying that. Having been born just after the war I'm somewhat ancient and worry my words and views will not have much meaning for those who are in the first quarter of their lives. You gave me a boost:)

MsPurple said I used to look at myself as less because of my mental illness but now I don't. It doesn't matter.

She is absolutely spot on. When my first wife passed away I was around 50, had PSTD, anxiety and bouts of depression. I was not properly employed and was living in a rather perilous financial situation - plus I've had to choose a walrus as my avatar because it looks better than me.

Despite all of that I found a second person to love, and who has loved me. We are still together 20+ years later, it's worked out just fine.

So if I can do it you can do it. The only thing I realy had going for me was I knew I'd been able to make someone happy before.

Croix

[Mumen]

Hey there, I’m sorry things didn’t work out, but you know what I believe there’s a bigger brighter future for you ... hold on and see There will definitely be other realationship opportunities for you ...and just for now you can begin to concentrate on you treating yourself to the things that like and that you’re interested in.keep busy .. also can you give some spare time to help out in the community because I’ve discovered when you give you receive more and that’s always great, right? You can slowly get back to you and what interests you... prayers and meditation are game changers ...Love & Light, 🕯✨💞Mumen