Being pushed to my limits

[Toonice]

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on my current living situation, which is pushing me to my limits and really affecting my mental health. So, almost a year ago I had an old work friend turn up at my doorstep early one morning because her house was about to flood. She had her stuff with her and I obviously let her in and then stay with us (my daughter and I). I let her stay in my daughter's room and my daughter slept in my room. She started getting payments from her insurance company for accommodation of $350 a week, and offered to give me half. I regrettably agreed to that and to this day she is still living with us in my daughter's room. I feel in the last 11 months I have gone to hell and back. Her living here has taken it's toll on my mental health. I was finally enjoying living alone with daughter after leaving an abusive relationship with her father. I am an introvert and like to have my own space. My friend is very needy and clingy. She had to come absolutely everywhere with us and do things at home with us too. This became too much for my introvert nature. I also cook dinner and breakfast for her and give her a lift to the shopping centre nearly every week day so she can get on a bus to go where she needs to go. I have been doing this for the whole 11 months and I am sick of it. 

Also, 5 months ago I stupidly let her reduce her payment to me down to $100 a week. I only agreed to it because she said it was for "a few weeks." She now refuses to pay me the normal amount due to her having to save for a new roof. This $100 she gives me covers the rent, bills and food. When I asked for $50 more she refused. Because of my personality and how opposite we are, we have clashed a few times. She is a very strange person and has a lot of quirks that drive me crazy. During the week I have to drop my daughter off at school and then go to work, which is stressful enough. Then she makes me run late because she is not ready, which causes me a lot of stress! I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts because I feel very sorry for her losing her house and most of her stuff in the floods. I feel like such a bad person, but I am feeling so stressed and depressed with her living here. I was happy to help out, but didn't realise it would go on so long. 

I'm hoping someone has advice for me

[quirkywords]

Too nice this is a dufficukt situation. Your tenant has suffered a lot and maybe fragile. I lost my home and shop in fires 3 years ago. I also know I surance can take a while.

hiwever yiu have been do kind and understanding and she appears  to have taken advantage of your kindness 

it is sad you cant enjoy your own home. 
Be strong keep to your dates.

[Summer Rose]

Hi TooNice

I know you don’t like conflict and dealing with this situation is hard for you. I really commend you for being reasonable and fair with your guest. 

I’d like to now encourage you to think about what your daughter is learning from this situation.

So far, from your example, she has learned that people can be incredibly kind and generous to others in need.
She’s also learned that even when it’s hard, it’s honourable to help others less fortunate or who are down on their luck and be a good friend.
But she’s also sadly learning that some unscrupulous people will take advantage of kindness. 

I believe it’s important to teach her that kindness should not be mistaken for weakness, and that it’s important to stand up for yourself in life. 
If your daughter was pressured to give her school lunch everyday to another child and going hungry herself, what would you advise her to do?

Make an appointment with a tradie and have the locks changed the morning of 28 May. Enough is enough.

Kind thoughts to you

[therising]

Hi Toonice

You are such a truly beautiful person, you really are. It upsets me when I hear how such beautiful people like yourself are tortured in such ways. When I read through this thread, I could feel my own nervous system ramping up. I felt stress, anxiety, some anger, incredible frustration and so much more.

I've found that being a mum is something that's developed the warrior/intolerant cow in me, in service to my kids and myself in many ways. May sound strange but I absolutely love the intolerant cow in me. She's the boundary setting, the non people pleaser, the fierce defender of the heart and soul, the justice seeker and more. She's also a bit of a swearer. Not too much but sometimes just enough to get the point across. Should add, I've only ever sworn at people (to get my point across) when I have tried every other way to get their attention. It's typically an extreme measure and I don't think it's something for us to be ashamed of, under intense overwhelming circumstances. I'm wondering whether fighting for your daughter to get her room back may be something that creates a form of drive in you, so as to kick things off in the way of your unwanted housemate leaving...

Have you considered having a lock installed on your daughter's bedroom door, pulling all your 'friend's' stuff out of that room, gifting back your daughter's space to your daughter and making it an absolute no go zone for this 'friend'? Typically, the only times I've fought with my husband (verbally) is when I've been fighting for something for my kids. I think fighting for our kids' rights is something that can naturally bring the warrior/intolerant cow/lioness in us to life. Saying to this person 'You don't pay enough to warrant having your own bedroom' is the absolute truth. Perhaps getting her out of a comfortable bedroom might be the start of getting her out of the house altogether.

Btw, I've found when my inner cow's in the driver's seat, the people pleaser takes a back seat and has to go along for the ride until things are back on track. So hard to get the people pleaser in us to take a back seat at times.

[Toonice]

Thanks for the reply Juliet_84,

I am actually renting so cannot change the locks, unfortunately. I am still feeling torn in two at the moment about whether to take drastic action or just try and deal with it a bit longer, as she has recently told me that she is going to be having minor surgery next week to get spots cut out, and that she will need to recover for 2 or 3 weeks. Which means she will now be home all day every day for that time. I asked her today if she will be ready to move out on the 28th May, like we had arranged. She said her house won't be ready and she will still be recovering. Talk about throwing a spanner in the works! It has just complicated this a lot more for me. 

Thanks for listening 🙂 

[Toonice]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is a very tricky situation. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your shop and home in the fires 😞

[Toonice]

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, just to complicate matters, she informed me recently that she is getting minor surgery done next week (getting spots cut out) and will need 2 or 3 weeks recovery. She told me today her house also will not be ready by 28th May and either will she, due to the recovery. So now I feel I cannot ask her to leave 😞

[Toonice]

Thanks, the rising. I have actually thought many times to move her stuff out of my daughter's bedroom. Everything here is too comfortable for her. If I did move her stuff out, we do have a toy room with an air mattress in it that she could sleep on anyway. But now since she told me about her having some surgery getting spots removed and needing recovery, I would feel too guilty to make her sleep on an air mattress. This sure is a tricky and annoying situation to be in and I can't wait for it to be over one way or another!

[Juliet_84]

In that case could you say the real estate is  going to do an inspection on X date and she is not on the lease so you don’t want to be evicted? I don’t think having some minor spots out is reason enough for her to not move out. I think she will always find an excuse if you let her. I think you just need to not budge and almost “not care” what issue she says she has as harsh as that sounds. The fact is that you are no longer consenting to this situation and she can’t just force it on you.