BB Single Parents Group

[CMF]

Hi all,

One of the things I love about these forums is that as well as dealing with the heavy stuff there is space to chill out and connect with people in in a social forum. After reading threads from other single parents I noticed that many of us feel alone at times, unsupported, we feel we are not doing a good enough job or we are just plain old worn out or frustrated. I thought I would start this thread for all the single parents out there who just want a space to chill out, relax, maybe compare notes, ask for advice and to pretty much know you are not alone.

It's a tough gig, we are all doing the best we can.

CMF

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

Great and very relevant thread!

It can be isolating to have depression let alone being a single parent thrown into the mix

A tough gig it is and I am sure many will appreciate a place to visit with other people in the same boat

Nice1

Paul

[CMF]

Thx Paul,

Sometimes just knowing you are not alone can make a difference. You have had a tough time i have discovered via other threads. You are amazing and i'm sorry this is late but sending you big hugs and good energy.

I've been really tough on my kids last few weeks. I'm at the end of my tether driving up and down morning and afternoon when they can walk to catch the train/tram to school. It is less than a 10 min walk. This morning they both walked out and walked to get transport. i don't mind if it is boiling hot or raining but if not why can't they walk like every other kid does? It's my fault, because i do it for them but I'm tired, really tired up and back school, sports practice, picking up from friends houses. Their dad does nothing, however when he is interstate at his girlfriends he drives her son to school and takes her son to play tennis but does not respond to his own daughter when she messaged him to see if he would take her to trampoline class. His 'new' family is more important. i lost it last night, told them i am doing the job of 2 parents. i know they were upset but they need to understand..I'm really sick of it.

Anyone else get frustrated or am i just a meanie?

cmf

[blondguy]

Hi CMF

you are no meanie at all. We have spoken for a long time and I understand the pain and anguish you have been going through.

You will probably still be in pain now. I know you have the 'grrr' factor happening with your ex.

Just humble opinion but I dont see frustration either. I do see that you are hurt

Sorry if thats a bit basic but my ex used to sandbag the crap out me to my daughter when she was only 2. (not saying you are doing that of course!) The sandbagging towards me is still happening now even though my daughter lives on her own at 24 and with a ton of anger (and the self harming)

I guess Im just reflecting the pain you feel

It can be bad place to be in whether for you, me or anyone.

Being a single parent can be bad news sometimes for sure

Kids first.....us second which you know anyway xo

[CJs_mum]

yup, know that grr kinda feeling...but you'll get there - as said by Blondguy (who is indeed fabulous!) the kids come first, no matter what.
Isn't it a teenagers job to drive their mum crazy anyway? Just wait until they have kids: Best-Pay-Back-EVER...so I hear....well, i'm hearing things from my 8 year old i remember back-chatting to my mum. It worked for me, doesn't work for my daughter! "I know that trick, I've BEEN that trick, ha!"

Keep trying. Keep ensuring They are responsible for their actions: ie: if they can't get up in the morning when you tell them to, they still have to walk to school and suffer the concequenses of being late. Maybe set an alarm for them and say after that alarm, they have 10 minutes to get dressed, 20 minutes to eat brekky and 10 minutes to walk to school (the remainder time is for them to either play, pack their bags or find that missing shoe etc). After the alarm, its not your job to get them to school on time, its theirs.

Good luck!!

[CJs_mum]

Raising the issue here....please forgive me or ignore me if this hurts!!
I just want to add that i understand how hard and tiring it is even as a single dad.
In a very sad case in our society now we tend to favour the mum over the dad - the sad, usual story we hear is the bloke just walks away and has another family he shows love and caring for or if not, then he's never there anyway. He totally ignores the family he just left, did/does nothing for them - leaving them destitute, poor, in a bad way and very angry etc.
It doesn't happen that way all the time! It isn't always the dads fault. It isn't always the dad who doesn't want to be a father.
It isn't always just the mum who "should" be with the kids.

But it is hard for both parents and kids without a mum and a dad at least in the picture - and some support along for the ride.
I hope that you both can find some help, support and love and some others to be there for you and for the kids as good role models of what life can/could be like.
That said: when it became clear my daughters father was not going to be in the picture, I searched for a father figure for my daughters life. I met some great people, and some hard (i regret even saying "horrible?") people who treated me and my daughter without any respect or true love. I stopped being so desperate to find "that father figure" and relaxed. I am now in a very good relationship and can honestly say he's had a good influence on her life. He is a single dad and has shown his kids and my daughter that fathers can be good too. That hard work for the kids does pay off and that it is tough being alone as a single dad - and single mum.
I hope that continues.
May it for you!

[CJs_mum]

one last post then i'm going to get a bit of shut eye before my daughter wakes up:

re: getting kids to school. The best radio interview I've heard on a commercial station was just recently.
The interviewers promised a fabulous interview with a "woman who has it all, does it all, is perfect and can teach you how to handle your kids!"
They introduced her as the "child whisperer", the "know-it-all", "the organised doer when it comes to getting her kids to school on time, every time!"
She butted in there and said "Pfft, what?! No, we were late this morning. Our house is chaos at the moment! My youngest couldn't find her hat and my eldest destroyed his homework last night...guess who I made clean it up and do it again at midnight?!"
She then went on to explain that this (or chaos very much like it) happens pretty much in every household in the morning and everyone is in the same boat, screaming at the kids to put on their shoes, jump in the car, find that sock/hat/library book etc). And that is ok.

Organisation helps but things still happen. That is ok. If you're all a little late because one lost something or overslept, well, its a lesson for the kids to talk about with you and plan better for next time...tomorrow is another day - and if it was you who lost something or overslept, ok appologise and simply move on to the next thing. Just be there for them, that's all you really can be. It is your job to be there and it is your job to teach them responsibility. Its their job to learn it and move forward. We're all in the same boat, we'll all try to get better one day lol That was her message in the end.

I wished i'd caught her name, but she had a great message for disorganized me ("getting better" me).

[CMF]

Hi CJ's mum,

thanks for joining the thread. My kids are good at getting up and getting ready for school, especially my son. They are very rarely late. I was getting annoyed that we are a 10 min walk to transport yet they want to be driven. Anyway, after putting my foot down they have been walking. My son and daughter walk together, on goes to the tram and one the train. They've even been walking home. If it is really hot or really cold i don't mind making the trip. They have been good and if/when i do drive them or pick them up they are more appreciative, so i has been good.

Thanks for your input, nice to have you here.

[blondguy]

Hi CJs_mum

Thankyou for the mega compliment. You really have some experience happening in your background too

CMF has stumbled across a great thread topic with single parents doing it tough and having a place to vent

Nice one CMF!

Paulxo

[CMF]

Thanks Paul,

I hope more people come across it. Only a single parent can know what it is like to be a single parent, regardless of the situation. If we can help each other out with tips and suggestions and listen to each other because we understand, then it's bonus.

I moved my son from a private to public school recently as he was hating the private school and i saw no benefit from it. His dad not approve and contributed nothing toward the new school expenses. My son is happy, enjoying his new school, got 86% for an oral presentation in English, i hear more about his schoolwork and what he has done and is doing than i ever heard when he was at the private school. He has been adding more to his school work because he sees his friends have put in a bot more, he is applying for part time jobs because all the kids at his new school have part time jobs, at his old school not many did. All these positive things are because of me. Of course his dad is going around saying 'WE' move him but he had nothing to do with it.

My little girl turned 4 over the weekend. Haven't seen or heard from her dad since xmas and didn't hear anything for her bday. I was stressing that i had let her down,that i didn't do enough for her. This morning she woke up and out of the blue said it was 'the bestest birthday ever'.

What can I say!

cmf