Avoidant attachment style - what's helped me and what I've been doing

[Dana123]

Hi guys,

So I am 25 years old and have an avoidant attachment style. A few weeks ago I was crying to my psychologist and saying 'I can't even tell if I'm attracted to the person all I want to do is run' and she said 'of course you can't tell, you're anxious' - I found this reassuring because everytime I get in a relationship, I start off attracted to the person then it's like a switch - I'm put off! This always happens when the other person shows more interest or wants to become more emotionally intimate.

1. A couple of things I have realised:
   As someone with an avoidant attachment style - YOU NEED SOMEONE WITH A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE
2. Be aware of the strategies you use to try and keep someone distant - I've realised that I use a lot of distancing strategies - both emotional and physical. For me, it always starts off with not responding to messages and although it eases my anxiety at the time - I'm not addressing the issue. So what I do is ask myself this 'am I not replying because I really am busy/unwell etc OR is it because I'm anxious and avoiding'. I also tend to OVER analyse things my potential partner does and ultimately will come up with the conclusion that they're bad - with NO concrete evidence.
3. Find a psychologist who you feel comfortable with. I had previously seen a psychologist for many years and realised I needed someone else - I have a new psychologist now and she has been incredible. In just the few short weeks I've seen her - I understand my thought process more so than I ever have and most importantly, she's made me feel like I am not strange, that many people are like me and that there is hope
4. Be aware and track your unhelpful thinking styles (google this)- I've realised that for me, my avoidance in relationships stem from my low self worth and the unhelpful thinking styles I've led myself to believe over the years. I've been keeping a diary and I've been working through challenging these thinking styles (google how to do this) - I have found this so liberating.
5. Read books on attachment styles - I've been reading the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" - it's ok but I feel that they make it seem those with an Anxious attachment style don't need to change or work on themselves whereas those with an Avoidant style are bad. I have learnt a few things though

So for those of you with an avoidant attachment style, what has helped you? Any books? Strategies? Do share 🙂

[jess334]

Hi Dana123,

Thanks for that post. Its great that you've identified your attachment issue and steps to improve!

I agree that finding a psychologist you click with is so important. It can take some time but its worth it in the end.

I am a classic avoider with almost anything that gives me anxiety. I read a book by Ross Harris called 'the happiness trap' and it really helped me feel safe to lean into my anxiety instead of running away from it.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Littlebluescent]

Hi Dana123,

Thank you for the insight. I feel my ex gf had an anxious avoidant attachment style, whereas I'm more anxious attachment. Probably not a great match, but it is helpful to understand why she left the way she did. I think I'm anxious avoidant in some cases, but not usually with someone I am in a relationship with. It's all so interesting the way our attachment styles affect our relationships.

[Looney Tunes53x]

Hi @Dana123 . Thank you for your post. I’ve only recently discovered I have C-PTSD and Disorganised/avoidant/fearful attachment style.  I’ve never understood why I’ve always felt “different “ in relationships (platonic or romantic).  Ive been able to get by over the years with family/work distractions, but lately with these parameters removed I’m not faring well at all and am ready to just give up. I think it’s too late to heal as I’m an older person and have lived most of my life.
Your post was 2020 so you might have moved on by now but I think your idea of diarising your thinking beliefs is interesting., and I will Google it to see what’s there. I just feel so helpless as I have no one I can confide in (no family & no friends who’d understand). I guess I’m writing this to see if anyone else had any other ideas that might help. Again thanks for your post.