Anxious Attachment

[Ell2024]

Good morning,

This is my first post. I have a very good male friend who I keep pushing away.

I know I have trust issues with men which come from my father leaving when I was 2 and a marriage when I was 24 that didn’t even last a year.

This friendship is extremely important to me but I have the constant need for him to reassure me that our friendship is real and will last.

He has been nothing but supportive and reassuring but I treat him terribly and push him away. He forgives me all the time but I’m worried I’ll push too hard and to far and he won’t come back.

I feel like I’m needy and clingy with him and jealous of the friendships he has with other people because I want that kind of friendship with him.

I really don’t want to lose him but I can’t stop myself constantly pushing him away.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The opposite of what you endure is trusting too much. To give everyone the benefit of the doubt is to open yourself to hurt, ridicule and more scars.

So there is a balance that we all try to meet, but humans being who they are, we get those judgements wrong often and pay the price. So being unavoidable, this hurt from trusting too much or what you are doing is in a way normal but not preferable.

Your core issue, trusting men, stemming from your childhood could, and most likely is from experiences. Those mental scars need unravelling in order to heal as much as possible and this is what professionals like psychologists do. In the meantime there is a bigger issue at hand and that is to put your partner at ease and ask for patience.

Therapy/counselling works best when full honesty is disclosed. Not saying you are dishonest though just- very open. It is also highly recommended that you sit down with your male friend and set things straight, tell him of your feelings towards him and the reasons you push him away, that it isnt meant and you are seeking help. It might put him at ease and if he is empathetic he will stand by you.

I'm sorry I cant offer any further advice but remember- you only need to get half way with trust as too much trust opens you to being vulnerable.  

He sounds like a nice guy, he's worth the research and appointments. 

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hi Ell2024,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

Unresolved trauma from the past can manifest in all sorts of ways and my feeling is that this is where your difficulty is coming from. You are protecting yourself from more hurt, which is quite normal, but in doing so you are sabotaging yourself from potential happiness.

Have you talked with a therapist at all? My feeling is that there may be underlying fear of rejection that dates back to when your father left. As children, we often blame ourselves for these types of events simply because we don't know any better. Then, whatever we used as a coping mechanism is carried through into adulthood, despite that the fact that the coping mechanism is no longer appropriate for the age we are now. It becomes automatic and we can often be totally unaware of it.

If you don't somehow break the cycle, it will continue to get in the way of your relationships going forward. I really would recommend taking with someone who can help you unpack the unresolved emotions, help you gain your confidence and find a new way of coping with your past experiences that is more appropriate to who you are now. I hope that makes sense.

This does not mean you need to see a psychologist (unless that's what you choose to do), you can also check with your GP or local clinic if they have a social worker or mental health person on staff. 

I will be happy to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care,

indigo

[Nothappyuni]

Hey, thank you for posting your feelings and thoughts. You have provided me with a better understanding of my partner. They constantly push me away, breaking up with me in the most spectacular fashion, only to wake up the next day and think we are still fine (alcohol in the mix makes the anxiety mush worse).  What I would love to know is, if you are worried you will push too hard, you know you are pushing. So why push your friend away? What are you thinking when you push them away? My partner gets very aggressive when I ask, so forgive me please for asking you.  

[Ell2024]

Hi, 

Thanks for replying.

My situation is different to your in that he is only a friend and not in a relationship . 
To answer your question I’ve had a lot of people leave me throughout my life, people that have been important. My friend is extremely important to me so I guess in my mind I’m pushing him away before he decides to leave because my past dictates that important people leave me so I’m protecting myself from the hurt and pain that comes with that.

Hope that makes sense.

[Nothappyuni]

Hey Ell2024,

That makes a great deal of sense. Thank you very much for sharing.