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Anxiety making it impossible to make decision on my marriage

Sporadicallyanxiouswifemu
Community Member
Hi there,
This is my first post. I’m writing this during a really bad anxiety attack where I feel like I’m going crazy and I have come out in hives. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends or family because they are sick and tired of hearing my story and to be honest so am I.
Heres a bit of background:
I am a 44-year-old mother of two children. I am married.

 

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. My children are five and eight. My husband is very successful and we live a very comfortable life.

My husband is an excellent father and provider and I do believe he loves me and that it would shatter him if I left.

Earlier in our relationship for the first 6 to 7 years my husband was a sex addict and cheated on me many times.

We sleep in separate bedrooms and have done now for the last eight years.

We sleep in separate bedrooms and have done now for the last eight years.

My gut feeling says that they need to be true to myself I need to separate. Even though the fear of being alone is very strong.

When I confront him about this he flat out refuses to separate because he’ll says he loves me and he does not want to destroy our family.

 

Every time you cheated we separated for three months and somehow ended by a pack together. I feel weak and stupid. My husband is a very charismatic man with many good qualities. Should I try to work on putting the trauma in the past or should I leave him?

He has done everything in his power to fix all his mistakes.

He sees a sex addict therapist once a week.

I just can’t seem to work up the courage to divorce him.

 

Right now I do not work and I haven’t for 10 years I have no idea what job I could do.

I go through stages where I am so anxious I have had glandular fever or I come out in hives.

 

My depression has been under control now for 20 years. But my anxiety is hard to manage.

I know my words seem chaotic.

When these bouts of anxiety hit .... I literally feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m embarrassed and feel too insecure to go to social gatherings. All I want to do I lie in bed.

I wish my mind would just stop and I could just be grateful for what I have. But it won’t. I’ve tried meditation although I can’t seem to stick to it.  Exercise helps.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Let's take a big long breath here and I'll try to help you.

Obviously we cant advise you to leave or not to leave your husband. That's for you to decide.

Financial issues arise however that can make a bearing on your decision. I'll run through a few things on this first from my knowledge on the topic but you can get more accurate info from the Child Support Agency on

1800 132 468

By contacting them they will inform you of what child support you will receive if you have custody of the children through a formula based on both of your incomes.

Infidelity. Some people would not tolerate their partner straying once let alone several times. Other like yourself will tolerate it but I'd imagine this has eaten away at your trust.

Family sticking together- Children are resilient, they adapt better than we do. Their future happiness largely depends upon the manner by which their parents conduct themselves post separation.

Happiness- until later stages in life, we need happiness and that is also a subjective issue. If you are unhappy then what is your purpose in remaining together? Guilt is not a reason. Making him happy is not a reason. Staying together because you are, or you both are happy is a reason.

Have you considered separating but remaining good friends?

It is good he is seeing a sex therapist, quite brave in fact. There are many couples out there that are not compatible in terms of sex drive. That isn't anyones fault, it is the way it is.

Google

Beyondblue topic if all else fails - be radical.

I hope you are ok.

TonyWK

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

I don't think you are weak or stupid. I think your husband has put you in an incredibly difficult position and that you have done your best to get through it.

It's not healthy or sustainable to live your life waking up everyday conflicted and wishing things were different. You either have to accept the situation and choose to be happy or end the marriage. I think it's the indecision that's torturing you.

I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that you deserve personal happiness, peace and the chance to live your best life, whatever that may be.

I'd like to suggest that you seek some professional help to make your decision. I think whatever you decide is going to be tough and that you'll need some support. It's also hard to make sound decisions when experiencing acute anxiety.

Perhaps you could start by seeing your GP or if you have an existing psychologist or other practitioner helping you, perhaps this would be a good time to touch base.

Kind thoughts to you