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Angry and still trying to be respectful of his need for space in the separation

myparis
Community Member
So, this is my first post here. It has been only 5 days since my Husband of 20+ years left the Family home to "find some time for himself and work out what he wants." He doesn't want to stay to try and work it out, doesn't want to seek counselling either on his own or as a couple of even with our Son to nurture his relationship with him. Couldn't have chosen a worse time as we were meant to have a lovely couple of weeks together for Christmas as a Family. I love him with all my heart but he has told me he Loves me in some way but can't live with me. I've dug deep, kept an eye on my depression diagnosed years ago, already organised Centrelink, seen the GP twice, touched base with Friends, had a spiritual healing yesterday, the whole gammit of what is suggested in this horrible time. He spent the afternoon in the Family home this afternoon helping to prepare food, bring presents from my Mother in Law. We took our lovely dogs to the beach to talk and work out the $$$ surprise we always give our Son Christmas day (he's 16 so money is always the welcome gift). He told me he already has been invited by a single male Friend to go out for NYE. I have no expectations that there will be reconciliation and am trying to picture a future without him but am heart broken. Would love to hear advice or touch base with others who have come out the other end of a horrible relationship separation. It's mostly amicable which is making it harder
3 Replies 3

Vic_Wife
Community Member

Hi, I am 6 days since I discovered my depressed partner has been continuing having a text affair for 3 months whilst I did everything possible to work on saving our relationship. I was 2 months into the process when I realised my husband had depression and was in total denial. He lied to me, to GPs to psychologists and made it all about his unhappiness in this relationship. We have both not worked on the relationship for a while and we would need to do a lot of work to improve it. But he is unwilling to believe that he is the reason he is unhappy, that he has contributed to the poor state of the relationship and now he's clinically depressed he only wants to leave. In fact that has been his sole focus since I realised something was wrong. Apart from realizing I have just been through a year of emotional abuse at the hands of an undiagnosed depressed husband he has spent his time recently telling everyone that it is all my fault. To add insult to injuries so deep I can't even begin to heal he is now pretending to be a really caring father and person. He seems to be delighted to be out on his own and feels absolutely nothing for me or for the loss for his kids the only person he feels for is himself. He is a complete stranger and if I'm completely honest it would be easier if he were dead.

I have found that there is very little understanding of the impact of depression on wives and in general men go about their business having left emotional wreckage and no one thinks they even have depression just years spent with a shrew of a wife.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi myparis. I left my hubby at the end of last year. The first week was unbearable. I cried every night. I left because I couldn't take the constant pain of being abandoned and left alone while he worked or visited his parents. I had a major row with them after constant put-downs and verbal abuse, with his permission. Whether the separation is amicable or not, it is still hard to comprehend how and why. I initially self-blamed, which is counter-productive. I was so used to being blamed for everything, I decided the separation must've been my fault. It took months of support both from here and friends I had before I accepted there was nothing I could've done to change anything. Separating was not my fault, it wasn't his either actually. We were not suited and that is something nobody can change. If you have family or friends, my suggestion is, spend time with them. Try not to spend too much time alone, procrastinating. If you have a job or hobbies you enjoy, better still. I would also suggest you see a Dr for support/therapy to help you over the next few months till you feel a bit stronger. You are grieving and this coupled with anger/ betrayal means you have all sorts of emotions to deal with. I have a job and that helped. You will get through this, but you will need support. BB has counselors plus see a Dr. The strength you will need will come from the support you reach out for.

Lynda

Mandy69
Community Member

Hi Vic Wife,

I have just read you post and it sounds so much like the place we are in now. I moved out 2 weeks ago and he is in denial that any of this is his fault. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Wondering how you got o.