Am I just self sabotaging?

[Lotus_85]

1. So, I told my husband the other day I'm done. I don't know if I'm ending it because I hate the relationship or myself. I'm distant from him, have little emotional connection. He wants sex and I don't. He says he wants me to make an effort and want to be around him, I mean I can physically sit with him but I don't really wanna be there, I would rather curl up in bed and watch tv. That's what I do, most of the time. I come out to clean, feed him and the kids, go shopping, and go to work. That's it really. We have always had a messed up relationship. He is jealous of nothing. If I go out with friends, which is rare, I feel bad for it. Whether he makes a snide remark that I like them more then him or I should want to stay him and hang with him or whateva. I would be happy to continue in the relationship if I was left alone, which I know isn't fair on him. We fight, he wants an effort and if I make one, he always thinks any kind of touch or anything should lead to sex... so I stop trying to be near him coz I feel it shouldn't always be an expectation if we r near each other. He never sleeps in our bed. We have together 18yrs, have 3 kids and a house. Should I just keep doing what we r doing? Is this what it's spose to be? Should it end and we move on, and be broke because God knows neither of us can afford to be alone. I don't know what I'm doing. Am I just self sabotaging. I am on meds for depression, have been for 16yrs. I feel like we r both shells of ppl.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lotus_85

We’re so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship and the really difficult situation. It sounds like it’s had some very real impacts on your wellbeing. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

In a healthy relationship, it is important that your boundaries are respected. It might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.  
 
It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this really difficult time.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Kat_123]

Hey 👋 

I wanted to just say what you wrote feels familiar to me. 
I’ve got no helpful thoughts other than I hear you & your not alone in living a life this way. 

[therising]

Hi Lotus_85

I feel so much for you as you reach breaking point in your marriage, while questioning so much. I think self questioning, above all else, can become one of the most challenging and tormenting things in life. I suppose it's the kind of stuff like 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so depressed? How much of what's wrong with my marriage is my fault? Why can't I just be happy?' and the list goes on.

I think a lot of the self questioning is a part of 'waking up'. Having been married for just over a couple of decades, I think I started to wake up to a lot of issues in my marriage probably more so in the last 5 years. Until then, I used to tell myself how lucky I was to have a partner who was so tolerant of my periods in depression. I'd tell myself what a good life I have compared to others who are in highly abusive relationships. I'd tell myself how lucky I am to be able to raise our kids old style for so many years (having been a stay at home mum in the past). I'd lost track of the amount of times where I thought 'Why can't I be happier and more easy going?'. I'd think of how my husband never really asked for much outside of sex and I'd wonder what was wrong with me, that I couldn't even give him that at times. Why was I so disconnected?

It was my daughter's words that began to really wake me up at some point, 'Mum, you set a low bar. You're grateful to not be abused, grateful to have somewhere to live, grateful to have opportunities that you deserve or that are basic entitlements...' and the list went on. While I used to be a bit of an adventurer, someone who loved looking forward to reaching goals and some who love doing so much more, what had happened over the years was I settled for less and less of all that stuff in my relationship because that's not who my husband was/is. In a way, I'd been slowly letting aspects of myself die off so we could get along better and that's what I'd been feeling all those years. It had been a soul destroying process. While he'd been somewhat supportive during my periods in depression, a good percentage of those depressing periods were based on his unwillingness to change in our marriage, so that we could evolve in new, happier and more exciting ways together. That was quite the revelation. His mantra has always been 'That's just not me'. Put another way, 'You'll have to do the changing, to suit that which I define as me'. That definitely causes a disconnection and therefor a lack of intimacy.

I think there can be so many reasons for discontent and even depression within relationships, so many different reasons, including turning more to our partner (for what we wish we could get from them) as our kids get older and are no longer our primary source of entertainment. Gradually waking up to each reason, one after the other, can feel heartbreaking but it can also be liberating in a variety of ways.

[Lotus_85]

hi therising... your reply feels like me. I want my relationship to work, we have over 18yrs under our belt, 3 kids and a house... not too mention neither of us could afford not to be together financially. however, i have reached a point where i can't keep doing what we are doing. we have come to this point so many times, but this time feels for fatal. we have decided to try and figure it out and spend some time together on Saturday to try and rekindle some form of connection. just go for a coffee on the beach and watch some tv together or something later. We will need to try and incorporate other things obviously, part its a start. I need him to allow me to be me. I need to learn to be me around him (which i currently hide as i dont want the argument or snide remarks or judgement about myself). I am a different person at work (my work girls are friends) and i am comfortable around them. I joke around, i laugh, I am described by one of my besties at work as 'apologetically me'. but when i come home i reserve myself, i have nothing to say to my husband and i withdraw. i know i need to change that, but its hard coz i dont feel as conmfortable around him (which i should). i need to try and push myself out of my comfort zone at home and hope that he has listened enough to allow me to do that. pulling yourself away, burying your own self is definately soul destroying, as you said. and the disconnect is real. My connection to him is a very thin line at this stage. over the years it has only gotten thinner. i need to find a way to develop that connection, so IN HOPE we can come to a more sustainable relationship, and not just hate each other for our faults and differences, and also so I hate myself a lil less than i have for such a long time. 

he is right that i hold onto the past, BIG MISTAKES back there. i dont try to, but anytime there is any form of judgement or 'you should want to be around me, but you like your friends more' (who i go out with a hadful of times in a year, but he exaggerates it to heaps of times), then i feel like i am right back in the middle of when he was terrible, even though its a much smaller scale of things from back then, its like my brain amplifies it to what was in the past. i know thats not fair on him, but its not fair on me that i live like that either. feels lose lose sometimes... most times.

[therising]

Hi Lotus_85

It's so strange how we can kind of begin grieving in some way in a relationship but not be able to pick the point where or when the grief first started and even what it's all been about, in so many different little ways. I suppose some of it's about all the disappointments. Redefining the idea of 'disappointment', a lot can begin to make more sense...

'I appoint you my partner who will go on adventures that will fuel the soul' becomes 'I dis-appoint you from that role, one you will not fill'. 'I appoint you my partner who will plan goals with me, so that we can reach them together' becomes 'I dis-appoint you from that role, one you will not fill'. 'I appoint you my partner who will help me come to understand myself better' becomes 'I dis-appoint you from that role, one you will not fill'. There can be a long list of dis-appointments we just don't see adding up but we can feel them adding up. What our partner chooses to disappoint themself from is something we begin to feel. The question becomes 'What appointments or roles are left that really fuel the soul?'.

I'm not sure if you can relate to the following cycle in any way. If you imagine it as a clock face, at 12 everything is good in the relationship. You're getting along just fine, to the point where you can feel the freedom to be yourself. You let your guard down and you are you, truly you, and it feels great as it lasts a while until around quarter past, until you come to feel like you can't be yourself anymore because there's disapproval in some form. So you readjust, to be more thoughtful and then the sadness begins to hit at around half past, based on you losing yourself again. Between quarter to and about 5 to, there's resentment and even anger in regard to how hard you tried to make everything work but it just wasn't good enough or maybe the resentment's about how your partner reaped the benefits of your hard work without too much effort on their part. Then, at 5 to, some revelation hits in regard to how if you try harder this way or that way, the happiness will never end this time around, so you introduce some new brilliant idea and it works and you believe the happiness will last. It's lasts 'til quarter past and the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats (for years). And the thing is you don't know you're in it until the moment you wake up to it.

I'd say that cycle ends within a relationship when middle ground is met and maintained. It has to be maintained so old ways don't come back into play. I hope you both develop new and exciting ways of meeting in the middle while finding ways of maintaining that middle ground. And I wish with all my heart that it brings you so much joy, excitement and peace to the point where there is no room left for depression to be felt ❤️

[Lotus_85]

I definately agree with the cycle. It feels like a circle we go around in... but everytime, the circle gets smaller and we get to the crappy part sooner every time.

I feel distant, don't feel like I can be myself at home. When the circle comes to a blow out, we agree to try and make things better. But I can't be open, or honest about what I want. Mostly I don't even know what I want. I feel like I have to say wat he wants to hear, do wat he wants me to do so the circle doesn't come round again... then I get over being compliant and pick a battle to die on my hill... a recent one was making a coffee in my bra in my kitchen. HUGE fight, but I held on. Apparently it's disrespectful of me to not consider his feelings about me 'showing the neighbours'. I am in a bra, have dbl pailed fences. They gotta want to see me to actually see me, and I don't care if they do. I'm in my home and I should feel comfortable to do and wear wat I want. But I don't feel comfortable to do that wen hubby is home. I am reserved. I don't know how to fix that.