Am I a bad person if I refuse my mother live in my house? Elder Abuse?

[bebrave2023]

I am 37 years old and mum of two. My mum is 61 years old. She is single. She doesn’t have any income, so she lives with me and my husband. But she wants to control everything. Every time we went holiday, we have to take her with us, because she said she is afraid to live at home by herself. And she said if she is not happy, and she will not let us happy. she always think she is the head of our family. Because She thinks she raised me and I should repay her. Now she even want to bring my grandmother(my mum’s mother) to live with us without asking me and my husband‘s permission. She thinks this is our duty and we cannot say No. she makes me feel depress and anxiety. I talked to psychologist, and the psychologist suggest me the ask my mum move out my house. But my mum said if you ask me to leave, I will sue you that you are elderly abuse. I could not handle to live with her anymore. What Can I do?

[geoff]

Hello bebrave2023, to answer your question, no, you are not a bad person.

You can't have your mum live with you when she wants to dominate everything you do and because she raised you doesn't mean you have to look after her, this is only done if you love your parents because it becomes natural, but being forced into doing this isn't out of love.

She won't sue you, it's only a threat, as she doesn't have any money, and for you to also have your grandmother live with you, hey, no way, this will incringe on you and your immediate family, they need to leave.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[tranzcrybe]

Where did your mum live before she came to stay with you?

What agreement did you have in place when it was decided?

'Elder Abuse' relates to the taking advantage of the old and frail - your mum sounds like neither. 

[bebrave2023]

Thank you for your reply.

as I am long time under my mum’s pressure, I have been diagnosed as severe anxiety, my psychologist suggests me to ask her leave.

But that’s so difficult for me , because I am so afraid to say No to my mum. I am afraid if I ask her leave, she will kill me. My husband told her that I have been diagnosed with anxiety. My mum dosen’t  believe it. She said to my husband: “I spent my whole life and all my money to raise her. Now I don’t have any savings and I don’t have job. She thinks I am useless to her. So she just find excuse to kick me out. That’s no way!”

I feel hopeless and so scared she will do some crazy things to me if I ask her to leave.

because I have two children, I don’t want my pessimism affects my kids. So I have to pretend I am a happy mum to my kids. But I feel so tired now.

[bebrave2023]

She lived in China. She has lived with me since she immigrated to Australia. 
because I was long term live under her pressure, I have been diagnosed as sereve anxiety. So my psychologist suggest me to ask her leave. When my husband told my mum that I have been diagnosed as anxiety. My mum dosen’t believe it. She said: “I spent all my savings and my whole life to raise her.Now I don’t have any money and job, it seems I am useless to her. So she just find excuse to kick me out. That’s no way!”

I am always so afraid to say no to her. I am so afraid if I ask her to leave she will kill me or do some crazy things to me. Now I feel so scared and hopeless. Because I don’t want my pessimism affect my kids, so I have to pretend I am a happy mum to my kids everyday. Now I feel so tired!

[tranzcrybe]

There are some 'unwritten' cultural expectations that children will always care for their parents in their old age and her emigration does place some responsibility to see mother is established to adequately fend for herself while making this transition.
If not already attempted, find some social support groups (Chinese Association, Seniors groups, etc) to help pursue her own interests. This can lead to employment recommendations to earn more independence and disposable income. Consider temporarily 'funding' new accommodation to encourage living her own life. This might involve covering rental for a while so it's a big commitment to consider. Even a simple 'Granny flat' can provide some relief-filled separation for you (subject to council approval).
I agree it would hard to just say no and expect your mother to find her own way, but if she found a (positive) reason to not want to be with you (all the time), then this decision would ultimately be made for you.
Your mother is not old and has an awful lot of living to do in the meantime. Having a strong support group and her engaging in any further developments (activities, employment, affairs of the heart...) from such interaction should hopefully redirect her priorities away from you as primary carer/slave.
And while you are right to respect mother's situation, she is now living under your roof and you are in charge.
Help her find something outside your lives and you might see your mother more favourably while also allowing yourself to detach from her controlling behaviour.