Hi Amberrc,
I used to do this a lot with my current partner (and probably with ones before him but I never took too much notice). I have depression and anxiety which seem to take turns in terms of ‘flare ups’.
I can completely relate to ‘trying’ to find something wrong with your partner. My issue was that I used to feel very insecure and I would look for reasons to crack it with my partner even though I knew there was nothing to be concerned or upset about.
I spoke extensively to my psychologist about it and realised that I would first feel depressed or unsettled, and then I would go looking for reasons to justify why I felt this way - leading me to look through phones, Facebook etc and pick fights with my partner. I would then blame my partner for why I felt so crap even though it really had nothing to do with him. I also had the belief that if I found a reason to break up with him first then it protected my feelings in some way.
Talking to a psychologist really helped me, as well as being completely honest with my partner about how I’m feeling and why I think I do certain things. I even told him I went through his phone etc. because I knew it was wrong and I wanted him to know I was trying my best to work on it.
Don’t be afraid to express yourself to your partner and talk through why you feel a certain way, even if it seems completely irrational. It’s great that you’re aware of yourself though, I was in denial for a few months in the beginning. Sorry this is such a long winded response but hopefully you find bits of it helpful!
