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Allowing myself to relax and be happy.

Community Member

I am in a long term relationship of five years. She has just proposed to me. It was amazing and out of the blue and even though we always said we would never get married I am really happy. These past 5 years have been amazing, it has taken me a long time to admit that I feel the way I do about her, for a long time I said I was in it for a good time not a long time, and then when she was living with me I told people she was staying with because the idea of her living with me was to much of a commitment. I have huge commitment phobias. However although it took five years I finally accepted being in a relationship and started to feel good about it even.

Now she has proposed, for the first month I was fine. I was in a bliss of 'just engaged' but suddenly all my old fears have started to flood back to me, what if she is not the one? What if I am not the one for her? What if I am not good enough for her? Is this actual love? What if three years down the track things change between us? Saying yes has suddenly brought back all my insecurity s. Including one that took me ages to get over but now I am starting to think maybe I didn't ever get over it.

My partner has this friend. An old high school friend, they are really close and they used to hook up when they where younger, nothing to serious or anything, I have met her twice. (she lives in a different state) But I always have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that something is going on between them. And I know it is not, this other chick is completely straight and she is even in a relationship but it is like they have this bond that does not even seem to come close to ours. And I know it is just cause they grew up together, but I hate it. I always worry they are together secretly. I thought I was over it, but now that she has asked me to marry her I have started to spiral out of control again. Which makes no sense because she asked me to be with her for the rest of my life, I mean shouldn't that make me feel more comfortable in the relationship? But my commitment phobia just screams out at me that commitment equals pain, betrayal and lies.

I have talked to her about it and she says she understands but I also don't want her to change her relationship with this other girl just cause she is with someone who has crazy jealousy problems. Does anyone have any tips to getting over this kind of jealousy and fear? I am scared my fear will eventually break us up. I just want to be able to be happy.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear BS~

Welcome here, a good move as you can meet people that understand and offer their experiences as examples.

You are having a tough time and it is very hard as a result to do justice both to yourself and your fiancée. Especially disappointing for you as you had that first month free from those negative thoughts. Frustrating for you too as one half of you knows they are unrealistic and people do have lovely trusting relationships.

It says a lot about both you and your fiancée that your relationship is close enough for you to trust her with your situation, and also that you recognize her having a friend is quite ok, and should not be stopped.

Quite frankly, as this is a long-standing problem I'd guess that you are going to need help to change your thought patterns, and if there is an underlying cause deal with that too. In my own case (PTSD, Anxiety and depression) this was very much the case. I, like you, had a loved one to help me too, and that was most important.

I's strongly suggest you make a long appointment with your GP and sett out all that has been happening and these thoughts. Ask if it is possible to have therapy to assist you. If appropriate you may be given meds, visits to a psychologist, and therapies for you to practice under guidance. As this matter has been going on for you for a long time it may not be an instant fix, but require some work to get you to the stage you have your thoughts under control, allowing a more normal regard for relationships.

If you think you might not be able to explain everything clearly in the consultation I'd suggest writing everything down first and then taking the paper with you. I did.

While you are here I'd suggest oyu have a browse around this Forum to see haw others have coped in similar situations,

We hope you post again and say how you are going