Alcoholic Daughter.......not allowing us to see our grandchildren

moo1 · ‎12-06-2018

We made the mistake of helping my daughter move 2 thousand klm away with her hubby and 5 girls, we also stayed a mth to help them all settle in !!! we had a few drunken moments with her which we handled by going to bed, on what turned out to be our last night there she flew into one of her drunk rages and had a rage at me, I took it for about 15 mins when I then turned on her some thing I never do when she is drunk, anyhow Hubby and I left the next morning, I just needed space from her , every few days since then she has sent alcohole fulled texts that are just horrid, since I suffer from restricted lung disease this come with a fair amount of depresion, which is now spirraling, as she wont let us speak with the girls and says we will never see her or them again !!! I am just so sad, I know she is an alcoholic, but she just cant see it yet !! but that does not help me knowing that !!! I just dont know waht to do 😞

krystelpykie · ‎12-06-2018

moo1,

That sounds like quite an ordeal. It must be very hard for you in this situation and i imagine you would feel very hurt. It is very hard with family when all you want to do is help them but they won't accept your assistance. I know the feeling well and it's very conflicting and tears you up inside. Sometimes space and time is what is needed with family - i really hope for yours and the children's sake that your daughter sees that her behavior is not necessary and that you love her and the kids - which is why you would help her move so far away even though it would not be what you would really want i imagine. Family can be so cruel and it's sad. I hope this turns out well for you in the end. Good luck and try to stay positive.

Croix · ‎12-06-2018

Dear Moo1~

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, heartbreaking and worrying and frustrating too. Sadly the daughter you raised is no no longer there, instead there is an unreasoning and angry person who would use her kids to hurt you.

At the moment I'm not sure what you can do. Can you say how her husband is reacting? As someone outside reading your post he would appear the most influential person with the the most potential to get you daughter to realize her state and seek help.

If not him is there anyone else she might take note of?

It seems obvious she does need help, alcoholism is an addiction best dealt with in company with professionals. there are several organizations that specialize in this.

One thing to mention about peoples threats when drunk. They do not necessarily keep on going for long periods of time. There is a strong possibility this situation will change.

In the meantime can you look to your husband for support - and maybe give him support too if he is as upset as you?

Croix

geoff · ‎13-06-2018

Hello Moo1, and a warm welcome to you.

I am sorry for what's happened to you, she is an alcoholic and pleading, reasoning, removing her grog, can't be fixed by her loved ones, however if she is about to drive the kids to school then for the safety of the children, herself and anyone else on the road, the police need to be notified.

I wonder how her husband feels, but I have a feeling that he could be overshadowed by your sister, nevertheless the keys to the car need to be hidden, but know what repercussions will develop by doing this.

There are a few points to consider, firstly you need to see your doctor about your depression as this is causing major concern for both you and your husband and the worry about not being able to see your grandchildren must be very upsetting and certainly with your own illness.

They may refer you onto a psychologist on a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free sessions, I really think this will benefit both you and your husband.

You may ask yourself why your daughter continually needs to drink alcohol, many questions but no answers and her answers to these questions may change if you do talk to her.

She has to be the one to decide if and when she wants to stop drinking, any pressure from anyone will only make her worse, that's what an addiction has the strength to do, it produces anger and annoyance and I want to ask yoiu a question and only answer if you want, has her husband been thinking of separating with the 5 kids.

Always a difficult situation.

Geoff.

moo1 · ‎13-06-2018

Thanks for the reply guys, her husband enables her drinking and will often get blind with her, my daughter has no support as she has offened all her family on both sides with her drinking, her hubby gets fed up with her though ...but he never does anything about it ...yes my hubby and I support each other..its just so sad that we have to just sit and wait untill she wants to be sobar.....and my grandkids are being shown the very worst of her behaviour, she even gets the 5 and 4 year old to get her drinks !!! ....I reckon I might go to AA support group ...has anyone been to one for family ?

GoodWitch · ‎13-06-2018

Hi Moo,

Al-anon has support services for family members of alcoholics. They have some good reading material on their website too. I can't link to it here but it comes up if you Google it. I haven't gone to a meeting myself but I have heard good things. Over the years I've sought individual counselling to talk through my issues, one of which is my brother's alcoholism, which has affected myself and my family greatly. It does help just to talk things through with others who know what you are going through.

At this stage unfortunately there is very little you can do if your daughter is not ready or willing to give up her drinking. It is not your fault that she drinks, alcoholism is a disease and it's very insidious. If she is in the grips of it, nothing you say is likely to get through to her. She has to make the decision herself to stop drinking and sadly this often only happens after an alcoholic has hit 'rock bottom' whatever that is for them. Usually some incident that shocks them enough to seek help.

If her husband is also drinking with her, it doesn't seem likely that he'll be of any help either. I'm so sorry you are going through this, addiction is so hard on the families of those addicted. I hope you do seek help for yourself, and Geoff is right if you think the children are in danger you may need to step in, even if it means getting your daughter into trouble. So if she is driving while drunk or in other ways endangering the kids you should seriously consider reporting it. They can't do it themselves and your daughter is not thinking rationally.

Hope you find some help soon

GW