Alcohol and self esteem issues

[McK]

Hi first time for me posting here. I was a everyday drinker to drinking only 3 days a week in-between drinking non alcoholic wine a couple of nights which has been helping. Sadly last night I relapsed and lied to my partner about how many I had. This resulted in an argument and as always called me an alcoholic fat bitch and I'm an alcoholic like my mother. I have low self esteem and I'm honestly trying to keep the drinking down that's why I lied about how many I had as I knew that I was going to be put down again.  I was bullied at school as a teenager and my mother was an abusive alcoholic which has resulted in the way I am.

[indigo22]

Hi McK,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

Firstly, having a problem with alcohol is not surprising given your background and you are making a concerted effort to reduce it so well done to you.

It's no surprise you have low self esteem, no one deserves the nasty words your partner uses and I think you need to look at that a little more closely. Why would you put up with that and not think you deserve better, because you definitely do.

Alcoholism can be inherited but can also be a way of escaping the emotional pain you feel from the past on a daily basis. The only way to get on top of it, is to address the root cause of why you began to drink in the first place. Until you resolve the root cause, you are fighting a battle that will exhaust you. There is no shame about being addicted to a substance, whatever it may be, it is purely a sign that there is past (and present) trauma that needs to be addressed.

Have you had any counselling now or in the past?

Have you tried AA meetings?

Please continue talking with us, you will not be judged here and you will have a safe space to express your feelings. There are many here that have struggled with alcoholism and some that have come out the other side and no longer need to drink, so you are not alone.

Please let me know your thoughts,

indigo

[McK]

I've just started counselling online and also doing a course to help. I'm going to give that a go first it has helped me today.  I've also set-up an app which involves in group chats also I now reliase that I'm not alone and it's ok to talk. 

[indigo22]

That's great McK,

Keep reaching out whenever you feel the need.

I am really glad you are getting some help with counselling now, it's a great step toward resolving past trauma. It may some take time to feel better, but don't give up on yourself, you are worth the time and effort.

Let us know how you are going whenever you feel like talking,

indigo

[McK]

Well now my partner is home and I'm getting the silent treatment tonight for what I had done last night and he is also drinking in front of me teaching me a lesson I'm guessing  

[indigo22]

I'm sorry, that is very childish behaviour from your partner. I think it is your partner who needs to be taught a lesson in compassion and kindness. You really do deserve better.

indigo 🌻

[Croix]

Dear McK~

I hope you don't mind if I say a word here. You have been getting excellent advice from Indigo and I agree with all Indigo has said. 

While it will be very had to have been brought up by a mother who was an alcoholic I do feel that another expereince may have had an unexpectedly large influence on you, and that was being bullied at school.

This is a particularly unpleasant thing to have to live with, one is given a hard tme, maybe even physically and is left feeling frustrated, powerless and even frightened and may try to avoid the people in question

This will have an effect, if you are very lucky it is short term, but sadly for many it can last many years, during which time one feels less of a person, and less capable, sometimes even a coward and generally doubts that one has power to alter things..

Going thogh life with those feelings at the back of your mind can influence a lot of things, particularly how to cope with future troubles.  It would be just as east to point to your drinking as being an effect of this as it is to think in terms of your mother. Perhaps both.

Those feelings of frustration, lack of worth and so on are not an accurate reflection of the real you, and  building up your confidence and ability to handle awkward matters is important. Your life can be so much more enjoyable as a result.

So I'm please you are going to get counseling, which does make a difference, and if you follow Indigo's suggestion for either AA or its secular equivalent you may go a long way to becoming the person you wish and  and deserve to be.

Croix