After 27 years of marriage she’s left and I’m gutted

[Dumbdom]

My wife and I were married for 27 years, 2 beautiful daughters in their 20’s. My wife works in hospitality, myself construction, both in our 50’s, the relationship has always been a work in progress. She is not a very romantic person, never has been, I guess some of it stems from her upbringing, my upbringing the complete opposite. Sometime ago I was a fly in fly out worker, it lasted 6 months. I was getting home every Friday night and her being out with one of her of her friends at the local watering hole or out with work friend. She would then get up Saturday and go to work, not leaving much time for US time. I should have said something but didn’t and I spiralled downhill feeling worthless, empty, gutted and no self esteem. She gets very into socialising with her work friends, occasionally I was invited sometimes I’d go, sometimes not, when they all get together they talk work, fair enough but I don’t want to hear because that’s all she’s talking at home. She’s been to Bali twice with work people, I haven’t gone, my choice, didn’t want to hear about their work all the time.

I was diagnosed with Depression at start of this year, which I’m on medication for and have spoken to Professionals about. I’ve told all my family and friends and received 100% support. She left me because she said we needed time to breathe, I hadn’t been the easiest person to live with I’ll admit that, I did tell her my depression stemmed back to when I was working away and coming home to an empty house and that she ranked well down on her list of priorities, she doesn’t seemed that concerned that her actions bought it on, she says she’s sorry but never made any attempt to rectify it, I think it’s lip service

She said she needs her own space, in 8 months that we’ve been separated I’ve had her over to the family home and cooked her dinner, she did say she didn’t want to lead me on, I understand that. I thought we were making some progress.

She told me recently that she’s going away in the new year with friends, I said that it hurt because to me that said she wasn’t figuring I’d be in the picture. She then said she doesn’t see us ever getting back together.

I feel worthless, gutted, emotionally and physically destroyed, thankfully I’m close and very grateful for the love and support of my daughters, family and friends, they give me reason to get up, it’s a challenge.

I just struggle as to why after 27 years she walks away from me

[ecomama]

HI Dom

You're a very patient person.

IDK what you thought at the time but this would have been very obvious to me.

Paired with the solo trips overseas, the nights out partying when you were a FIFO etc, I think your exW behaved as a single person, not a married one.

I think exW will REALLY miss your income.

EM

[geoff]

Hi Dumbdom, thanks for getting back and I will have to change e picture but will probably need the end to do so.

What you have said would also put a large query on trust and it certainly would put a large cloud on the relationship.

By her not realising the consequences is beyond belief and question the marriage, there is no justifiable reason why this should happen.

I'm pleased you are in a better space and the wisdom learnt from this means the world to you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Dom.

Glad to see that you have formed some really interesting actions and set some goals to help you deal with your current situation. Just be safe and don't try moving to quickly, sometimes we let things get to far ahead and we burn-out, so try going at a nice and decent pace - to protect yourself.

"Last summer, we hired a beach out with 2 other couples ( Friends of over 30 years) for 10 night. She had to work a couple of days. She had 2 days off early into our 10 days, did she drive the 75 minutes down to spend it with us. No she drove 120 minutes to see her old boss ( widowed male about 48 years old) and stay at his place. Now I’m not saying anything happened, but you don’t think my mind is then running at 1000 miles an hour."

Why on earth did you let her treat you like that. She should have been with you, not her old boss. Anyway, time to counitue your

[Guest_3256]

.....Oooops!

.....It sounds like you are feeling a lot better, as long as you are putting yourself first.

Have a nice day.

[Dumbdom]

Hi Jsua,

Thanks for your thoughts and support.

It wasn’t like I wanted or more importantly deserved to be treated like, there’s no decent excuse, I guess it was habit, albeit a poor habit at that . But I do understand where you’re coming from, I know your not having a go at me, but merely asking how I could allow myself to be treated like that. It was just typical of her selfish attitude and lifestyle

I’ve got to say how wonderful it is to have people on line willing to read and share their experiences and thoughts.

I hope to be at a stage soon where I’m in a position to listen to other peoples stories and offer them the kind of support that I’ve received

[ecomama]

Dear Dom

For now we're here for you. No pressure to directly help others at all.

You sharing your story is helping more people than you even know. We have far more readers here than posting members.

You're already helping others.

Dom, just to address a point that came up about 'allowing someone to treat you this way'.
IME once a person decides to put themselves first ALL the time, ahead of their marriage, their family and even planned vacations... well there's nothing you can do to stop them.

They're not teens you can take their car keys from etc.

You sound like you've been a committed husband, father and financial provider to the best of your ability.

It wasn't you who let this fail. It was exW wanton careless disregard for all the things you held as a priority. As any committed family man / woman would.

You deserve to be commended for your steadfastness and patience through all this.

In a way she released you from further suffering on this level at least.

You don't have to answer any questions at all but if you feel you can share....
Has any talk begun on financial settlement etc?

EM

[Dumbdom]

Dear Em,

As I’ve mentioned the advice and support I’ve received from all of you means more than words would cover.

There hasn’t been any discussion at all about a settlement, other than I said to her we would put the family home on the market in the New Year. She is adamant that this will not happen, she said she’s done this and she thinks morally that it would be wrong to sell the home, especially as one of our daughters is still living here. At this stage she must feel guilty, I’m not sure that will last I’m sure one of her new confidantes will advise her to the contrary very soon.
So at the moment we are joint in banking etc as we’ve got utilities etc for the family home being deducted.
Thanks again for the support and ongoing interest

Cheers

Dom

[ecomama]

Hi Dom

Do you plan to divorce?

If I were you, I'd strike while the iron's hot and ask her to sign a Binding Financial Agreement.

You can do whatever you see fit ofcourse. You can always phone the free Men's Legal Service to get an idea of how things stand.

Besides the obvious reasons I'd move fast for a BFA... the other financial reason is for Superannuation entitlements.
I'm assuming your Super is far more than hers (as mine was FAR higher than exH also)... your Super would be gaining and it'll need to be split if that's the case... something to consider organising sooner rather than later.... ALL up to you.

Hope you're doing well.

EM

[geoff]

H Dumbdom, my apologies for my last reply, the portable keyboard I'm using goes to sleep, so what I expect it to be typing doesn't appear and haven't had a drink since last December, so I'm sorry if you couldn't read what I was trying to say.

Parents buy and sell a property mostly for the benefit of locality but mainly for improving their finances, now or in the years to come, kids are taken into consideration, but to keep the house or sell it shouldn't rely on our kids, there will find their own way when the time comes, and have their own agenda when love falls their way.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest909]

G'day Dom

A word of caution; do not rely on an informal agreement about property settlement. Many separating couples have had their informal agreements overturned by the court, 10-15 year after separation. It is a dangerous strategy.

Your wife has betrayed your trust once, there is no reason to think she won't do it again.

Something to think about!

Cheers