Advise.

[Janejac]

Hello, im just after so advise. Recently i have discovered my partner looking at porn on a daily basis. I have nothing against porn but how much is to much. He tells me it to get ideas for us as our sex life has been pretty crap of late. Not sure i believe him though. When i ask him about it it turns into a massive fight and its pretty much my fault as to why he does it. So i have come to the conclusion its easier to say nothing so a fight doesnt start. I feel like our relationship is slipling away. Any advice on what I can do is appricated. I really need some help.

[Croix]

Dear Janejac~

Thank you for coming here to the Forum. I can appreciate it might have been quite a difficult post to write, being a subject many will steer clear of.

I'll start by saying the following are my own views, others may disagree, I am not a doctor.

It sounds like this activity is driving a wedge into your partnership.

The first thing to say is that I do not think this is something that you have caused, so do not think your abilities or looks really have much to do with it. It is in fact I would think it is most probably an addiction like many others, alcohol, gambling and so on. I can imagine there is a very strong tendency to blame oneself and imagine shortcomings, unfair on you and inaccurate.

With most additions there are basically two problems. The first is to get the person to admit to themselves that their behavior is in fact an addiction. Many people justify or rationalize their actions and deny that there is a problem. This, as you can see, is a problem in itself as treatment will not be accepted.

The second issue is behavior modification, in this case stopping the use of porn. From what I understand cessation should be complete, there is no room for just a reduction. It is at this point competent professional help is indicated. Such therapies as CBT administered by a physiologist may have beneficial results. I am not a doctor and am only talking in terms of my general knowledge. You really need to see your GP and get proper professional advice.

I can imagine that getting your partner to see there is a problem is a major hurdle, however I have no real suggestions about that other than to say in a loving relationship concern for one's partner is a very motivating factor.

I realize this is an embarrass subject however you may well need support and advice. Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to? I'd also like to point out our own 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 where you can receive competent an understanding professional advice

Please feel free to post again and say what you think

Croix

[CJs_mum]

Wow that does not sound good!

Yes I agree, it sounds like he's pushing you away and blaming you (unnecessarily in my opinion). I'd would definitely suggest counselling as Croix has brilliantly said,

if you feel like you are in danger, he's being overly agressive or that you are being squashed/controlled, now is a good time to take a long, deep, good think about what YOU want out of life and a partner. If he doesn't meet your needs or share as a partner, maybe it's time for a break and to talk with a counsellor. This is Your choice, though. It is your life!

I'm saying this as I've been there. I left but it's entirely up to you what you do with your life!

good luck and be safe.

all the best

[geoff]

hello Janejac, by him watching porn movies is only making you feel as though there is a problem, whether it's in the bedroom or whether it's something else makes no difference, he's going about it the wrong way, and yes he's pushing you away even further, and by not saying anything about it so a fight doesn't occur, he is getting his own way.
He, however, is possessed or it's an addiction that he has to watch it, but in turn, it's breaking up the r/ship.
Can I ask how long you have been together, because I know my wife (ex)would have left me if we were in the same situation as you are, she would in no way have tolerated it, and for what it is doing it is really miss trusting your r/ship.
If he still continues to watch this porn then I suggest you take some leave, but realise that he may say he won't anymore, but unless he has therapy nothing is going to change, and even so it's going to take a lot of confidence for you to remain, for this I'm really sorry.
Please seek out some help for yourself even if he says he will stop, simply because it may start once again. Geoff.

[mycatrigby]

Hey Janejac,

I had the same kind of thing happen with my boyfriend once, I found porn in his internet history and I was really upset about it, so I asked him about it, I couldn't really wrap my head around it at first but once we talked about it he explained that it is something private that a lot of people do, they can choose to be vocal about it or keep it private, but sometimes they just do it due to boredom, not boredom in a relationship but just boredom in general, as well as it is kind of a natural thing for anybody to do, I did get over it in well time but its up to you to move past it, maybe try to explain how it makes you feel when he watches porn, because really thats whats important here, you also need to understand that this is just a part of any female/male life and masturbation is normal, it is not cheating.

You probably shouldn't be going through search history either, a good relationship is based on the foundation of trust, and if you find yourself going through his search history, that' pretty much invasion of personal space.

I dont want to be mean, but unless you feel like its leading to something bigger like 'cheating' you just need to get over it, it will take time.