Advice needed, how to move on from a partner with BPD
I broke up with my girlfriend who has BPD a few months ago, after she told me she no longer found me attractive.
A few days later whilst continuing to keep me around, telling me I’d always be her best friend, I found out she slept with a guy she worked with.
When I found out I was initially furious, and heart broken, but after ignoring her for 2 weeks she begged me to see her again and now, at her request I continue to see her everyday.
I hate myself for being at her whim, but I can’t seem to shake her. It’s like an addiction.
Being with her has ruined relationships I had with friends and family & I’m constantly walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation.
I don’t know what to do.
She now tells me she finds me attractive again & is begging me to come back to her.
When I tell her that I can no longer trust her and that I only want to be her friend she breaks-down. I’ve had to take her to hospital as she has threatened suicide; almost every other day she goes into a deep depression.
I can see how manipulative she is, how she lies to me and plays me, but I can’t rid myself of her.
I know in my heart that I am good to her, but she constantly tells me what a horrible person I am.
I need to find the strength to resist her, to find my self-worth and to move on, but I feel as though I’m trapped. I want to be with her, I want to look after her, I want to love her, but I know she’s not good for me.
Friends tell me to block her but it’s just not that easy, we live in the same street, I cant just avoid her.
Any advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation and moved on, would be appreciated.
For some of us, being in love overrides logic and quells our strengths. Friends won't understand our decisions.
With BPD, you'll always be in for a rocky road, the cycle of irrational behaviour, seeking forgiveness, emotional blackmail etc is unlikely to stop. Sufferers require regular therapy and it's unlikely they'll maintain it.
As your own living proximity and inability to shake her off is your issue, there is little advice that can help. If you could move away for say 12 months, and not contact then you'll sever your relationship more completely.
Threats from her of suicide is not your problem. However, maintaining contact is adding to her drama. You really need to stop contact all together, even a court order if necessary. That's how troublesome these issues can get.
I hope you can find the inner strength to do what's best for your future.
Welcome to the community. My first question is, has your girlfriend been diagnosed with BPD and do you know if she is having assistance dealing with this condition? Have you read any information on BPD and how to recognise the illness in people?
If you are aware of and understand how BPD can impact a person, you may also realise that help is available, but as Tony WK mentioned, it can take a lot of work and commitment. Some people are willing to make changes and adapt, for others the illness is so entrenched that may take a lot of effort.
It does sound like you really care for her and desire for her to be better so you can have a "normal" relationship together.
What may help her is to not take her to hospital. Call the police and the ambulance instead. This may sound harsh, but as a person myself with BPD that flares up dreadfully now and then, having ambulance personal and police come to help me soon made part of my brain realise I didn't want that anymore in my life.
I'd also like to suggest you keep seeing your friends. Rebuild and strengthen relationships.
If you continue to see her, set strong boundaries.
If you decide to leave her, you will have to set a different set of strong boundaries!
Wishing you both all the best.
Regards from Dools
I saw so much of myself in your reply here, it made me want to both laugh and cry. BPD is a horrible infliction. To have a mind that so cruelly sees life so differently from a "normal" person is debilitating at times.
It can make be exhausting as the troubled mind on a bad day misconstrues every comment, gesture and utterance of other people, even if it is not focussed at them!
Our mind is telling us to hold onto people as though stuck to them like superglue while another part of the mind is trying to repel that very same person. All the heart wants is to be loved and to be able to love in return.
If only mental health issues did not exist!
Cheers to you TonyWK from Dools
I was in a similar r/ship and found it very hard to leave
the r/ship made me feel worthless as whatever i did was not good enough
The only thing I can suggest is that when u resolve to leave and put a few barriers in place - they will get the message pretty quickly. I don't think she'll like the rejection and perhaps that will move her away
I would suggest blocking her would be essential. See it as protectig urself from abuse. See it as self care.
u could either get a friend to message her for u sayig u won't be in touch anymore or you can do a firm message urself
I 100 percent believe it is possible for u to walk away strong and to move on from her, and I think the only way to feel that is to do it -
I wish u luck and strength
You have already answered your question. If she experiences a personality disorder, you do know that she will be splitting.
Splitting - The old 'multiple personalities (now frowned apon) is an inability to take control of one's own thoughts.
So yes, one day she will idolise you and the next (when she has run out of better supply elsewhere) she will be in the "I do what I want and no one can stop me" attitude.
You are ugly when her supply is better than you, you are attractive when you offer better value then her other supply.
If you are looking to disconnect from her altogether, you need to manage the thoughts that make you want/crave her and to be proactive and positive when self-talking and encourage yourself to be the best version you can be. In other words, the more you focus on making you the best you can be, in time, things will be easier.