Advice: Do I stay or go?

[Tillycat]

I am new to posting on online forums but not new to depression (8 years now) and I don't feel like I have much to lose by posting on here.

I am at a crossroad in my marriage and I am so unsure of what to do. We have been married for 4 years and together for 9. My husband and I have a similar profession but I gave it all up to allow him to pursue his career when we got together. I completed study in something else (which I don't really enjoy) to enable him to continue doing what he wants. His job was not a normal 9-5 job which means he travels and spends many nights out. I am at home alone. This year one of those jobs has fallen through, he wants to return to uni to study to become a teacher to give us a more stable financial position in order to start a family and save for a house. It is just that he has had to put the course on hold to finish of paper work to get his citizenship which he has been saying he will do for the last 6ish years. We have spoken about having a baby so many times and that we would start trying but never have. We have have spoken about buying a house but it never comes to anything. It is all just words to me now. Even trivial things like "I will wash up" or "I'l take the bins out" and it is still sitting there 2 days later waiting for me.To top it all off he has been writing inappropriate (sexual) things to female friends on Facebook. It has happened several times before when we first got together and a maybe 3 or 4 times since then. I have told him each time that it makes me feel so bad and low and is a betrayal of our relationship. He is secretive of his phone and Facebook accounts. I brought it up with him again and he says he just doesn't think he doing anything wrong at the time but can see how it would make me feel. I don't know if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I feel like I have given up everything for this marriage and relationship but I am not getting anything back. I am always his number one supporter. He supported me when I was at uni but not to stay true to my main life goals and dreams. I am tired of his empty words and promises. I feel like it is now or never for me. If I stay will it be like this forever? I see a psychologist and she has told me straight out to leave. We saw a marriage counsellor together but I felt like it was dealing with his issues not ours. He is trying to implement some things but a bit of me feels like it is too little too late.

[blondguy]

Hi Tillycat

Welcome and good on you for posting too!

I think your psychologist was spot on. From what you have posted there are red flags here for sure.

" He is secretive of his phone and Facebook accounts" This is a huge issue as its a breach of the fundamental trust in nay relationship.

"writing inappropriate (sexual) things to female friends on Facebook" This is just not on.

In a nutshell if a female was behaving towards the same way to me as your partner, I would be gone....(thats only my opinion of what you have posted Tillycat)

The secrecy is a major concern. As for having female acquaintances online doesnt make any sense when in a relationship. A relationship is a two way street and secrecy is not an ingredient for a successful relationship form my point of view.

It appears you have a switched on psychologist Tillycat. There are too many red flags here....You are an intelligent and self aware person. I just hope you wont tolerate this immature behavior. Just opinion again but it doesnt seem like he is ready to commit. He is straying...even on line isn't okay.

there are many caring people here that can be here for you even if you are stuck or need to chat

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Snowpea]

Hello,

I am in the same situation except I am much younger and not married.

I am just short of 18 as is my boyfriend. We have been together for eight months and have lived together for about 4/5 of those. I moved in with his parents early into our relationship however he had some problems with them and we were left without a home. We stayed with a family member of mine for a while until things were resolved and we went back.

Not long after the same situation occurred and after staying with the same family member again my boyfriend and I had been able to get a rental along with an older friend.

My boyfriend has been unwell for a while due to experiences including that of which occurred at his home and I was also emotionally affected by it. We both have had depression in the past and he has recently been diagnosed with it as well as anxiety.

I fear that I have it too from the way I have been feeling and acting. Ive been having many emotional outbursts due to stress and sadness and anger. The last one I had I was quite rude to my boyfriend as I was furious. I am embarrassed about how I have acted.

Once things simmered down I assumed everything would be okay with an apology as most our major arguments are (which I know is unhealthy) however it wasn't.

I mentioned breaking up during the arguments as we both do a fair bit but this time my boyfriend has decided he needs time to think about whether he wants to be with me. I'm devastated as he tells me he'll always be here to help me as I am to help him.

Seeing him go through his journey of depression and anxiety has taken a massive toll on me and it upsets me to see him hurt. I have managed however to be there for him.

We rely on each for emotional support and everything else. We are very codependent but now I don't know what to do.

I am half way through ATAR year 12 and I think he wants to leave me, I know I'll be miserable as hell if he does and everything in my life including school and work will be affected.

what do I do

[geoff]

hello Tillycat, well I don't think I need to add much more than what's been said, because it seems to be a one way street.
He has undermined his trust and taken advantage of everything he can, hoping that you wouldn't find out, but that's too difficult when you are in a relationship, somehow you are going to know what he's been up to, and basically his attitude is not going to change and probably it will get even worse.
You know he is causing you to have anxiety and with this comes depression and as your marriage gets older it will become more frustrating and annoying with even more secrets you don't know about.
Your psychologist as well as Paul have suggested that this marriage should finish, and I absolutely agree with them, and I know at first you are going to be sad about this, but what you have to do is remember what he has done and think about what he could get up to later on, and that he would not be a good role model if you do have children. Geoff.

[CJs_mum]

wow sounds like both Tillycat and Snowpea need some support, love and help. We are here...please keep posting.

The one thing i have learnt the hard way is to never judge a relationship.
Hun, it is ENTIRELY up to you. If you feel it is not good for you, then it is not good for you! Get out.
If you think you will actually get something from this and he will treat you with respect, then stay and work through the issues.
You deserve respect.
You deserve honesty
You deserve to be treated well!!!!

If you (both Tilly and Snowpea) do not feel that in your relationship, its time to move and find something better in life to focus on.
Soooo hard! But maybe it'll be good for you. Treat yourselves right. Don't let the men in your lives ruin YOUR life for you.

[Tillycat]

Thank you so much for responding! I am truely grateful for the time you spend responding to my post!

I think you have certainly hit home with the two way street comment. I feel like it has been one way where I have given everything I have and have not received anything in return. I have nothing left to give.

With the online stuff, he said he never thought what he was doing was wrong so I thought I must be reading into it but was never easy with it. My psychologist said it was a betrayal of trust. I think she is right because I think he knew that something was up and deleted the posts but I managed to find them. When I asked him about it he said that that was all there was and has never cheated or was inclined to cheat, that it was just a bit of innocuous fun. I would never dream of doing anything like that to someone else though. Also when ever I go through his photos on his phone to reminisce of holidays or past events he basically runs from wherever he is and looks over my shoulder. If he had nothing to hide why would he do that?

I was with my parents today and when I came home he has said that we need to move to a new house (something I have been asking for for years) and that now is the time to do it. It all feels like a bit of a band-aid or putting out fires when they arise.

Paul I think you are right when you say he wouldn't be a good role model for children if we had any. I just feel bad for him. He has no one. His parents live far away and doesn't really have many close friends. Whereas I have a very strong family unit.

I think I am getting closer to making my decision to go but it just feels like a too big a decision to make but I also feel like I am suffocating. I have been dealing with depression for such a long time (ever since we got together) and it has only become worse, not better with being put on strong and stronger medication. Since being married I put on a load of weight and I am now seeing a personal trainer to lose it again. I am trying to do things for me to make me feel better and get out from under this cloud. It works for a little while but I always end up going backward.

I hope that all made sense, I think it was more a stream of consciousness.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond to my post!

Daniella

[blondguy]

Hi Daniella

Thanks for posting back. Its always good when someone takes the time to do so

I hear you loud and clear on having depression. This is my 21st year with this blasted illness.

It can impair anyone's decision making. I know I have difficulty sometimes with even a basic decision when the dark clouds are hovering. I am fortunate (as yourself) to have a crackerjack psychologist to keep me 'fine tuned'

I really hope you find some peace Daniella......you deserve it

my kindest

Paul

[Tillycat]

Well I thought I would jump on here and give an update on my situation.

At at this point I am still living with my husband. Just before Easter (Thursday) we talked and I said I was done. The night before I had dinner with a colleague and he told me that if I was going to do it to just do it. So I did. We talked and decided I would go and stay with my parents. I left but could not face staying with my parents so drove around for a while before deciding I did not want to go to my parents house becuase there would be too many q's. so ended up going back home and staying in the bedroom that night and the whole of the next day.

i spent Easter Sunday with my family and he did not come. No one in my family asked about it and I didn't want to talk about it. that night my mum asked me why I had taken off my wedding rings (she knew exactly why) she asked me why I had gone to the pub with a friend (male) the night before and I did not want to talk, I had talked enough. I was supposed to be staying there the night but I had told her I was going to go back home becuase I didn't want to talk but she kept pushing. She begged me not to go and then started crying saying she felt like it was her fault and that I made a promise to my husband and that I need to honour that promise. She said that she was looking and photos of us and that we looked like we had fun together. Which is true we did have fun together. I felt so guilty. One day she said to me well if that is how you feel you need to go, then she turns around and cries at me telling me to stay. I feel like a rag doll being pulled at from everywhich way and I don't know what is up anymore.

I went home on Monday and my husband was talking about moving out and finding somewhere to live and I said I didn't want to go through with it and that we could work through it. To be completely transparent, my friend had kissed me when I went out with him on Saturday. I did not go out seeking it, but I didn't try and stop it either, I knew it would hurt him and I think that is why. I told him about it and he was angry but said that technically we were separated. Also on the day I stayed in bed I downloaded the tinder app, not becuase I wanted to meet anyone but because I wanted to feel wanted I guess, he knew it becuase we have a family iTunes account and he saw the download. I have deleted it. I shouldn't have downloaded it.

[Tillycat]

Yesterday my husband says that he doesn't feel like I am I this relationship anymore, and to be honest, I don't think I am anymore either.

I don't know what I want. I have developed feelings for someone else. He is much older than I am but has been through this situation before and I have talked to him a lot about what is happening and he has been a great sounding board. I have told him and he said he could never do anything while I was married.

My husband has said he would wait for me to make up my mind but it is just too hard, there are too many variables. What if I don't make the right choice... what if I end up alone. I have just reread The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It talks about reading signs that the universe gives you to teach your life's purpose. I feel like all the signs that I am getting are telling me to go but I am afraid. I don't think I am strong enough to do it. I feel like I may have come back because it was the easy option not the best one. I don't know what to do. Any guidance, advice, comments, anything (!) is welcome. I don't know which way to turn and I need to make a decision becuase it is nti fair on my husband to keep him waiting like this.

I am sorry for writing this like stream of consciousness but I feel like I can let everything out here.

I look forward to reading your responses.

Daniella

[geoff]

hello Daniella, thanks for coming back to us.
I have this feeling that you know your marriage is over, but too scared to end it, but can I ask you a question, and only answer if you want to, do you think that this present marriage will last in say 10 years time, and by having a baby isn't going to make anything easier for the two of you, because are constant comments by the two of you saying 'it's over', and now you have someone else you love is only going to complicate matters if you stay married, although this wasn't the precipitant that started your unhappiness.
You can't be influenced by how your mother reacts, with her tears and pleads, it has nothing to do with her, it's your life, but if however you could talk with your mum asking for an unbiased opinion then you could discuss this situation with her, but personally I feel that you are not happy in your marriage, and maybe he feels exactly the same.
I could suggest a separation period of 6 months, but is this only delaying your final decision. Geoff.