A year after long-term breakup

[Cookie182]

Hey all,

first time poster here. About a year ago, I had my 10 year relationship end pretty suddenly. We were together since 17, emigrated together, built a house together, were engaged and had almost anything you could ask for at our age.

In hindsight, I could see that there were a few issues with our relationship that really just fell down to two people growing apart and wanting different things in life. However it didn’t end anywhere near as amicably as it should have - mainly down to her being involved in an online relationship with someone else, which of course made me feel cheated.

There was probably a month and a half from when we ended until she finally left the country, and I moved out in this time, leaving her to continue her online relationship in our house. I also discovered her plan was to travel to live with the guy from her online relationship in yet another different country. I was a mess. This only got worse after she left; I came home to find literally 10 years worth of photos together and anything sentimental filling the bin outside.

A few months later, I was told that they were engaged. At this point I was emotionless; running on autopilot. I went for a few sessions with a psychologist which help somewhat.

It was around this time that it dawned on me, this was the first and only real relationship I’d ever had, my first and only real sexual experience with anyone. The age when my friends were going out and experimenting, I was already in a relationship. Now at 28, I have no idea how to date and no confidence in my sexual ability.

I thought this would all pass with time, but a year later and I still have absolutely no confidence. Despite losing 12kgs and making huge leaps in my career, I still have next to no self esteem. I’m honestly at the point where I just cannot understand why anyone would ever be interested in me.

Is there anyone that can relate to this? Or can anyone tell me how long feeling like this will last?

I feel like I’ve done so much, and yet I don’t feel any better. I appreciate any insight you guys can offer.

Thank you.

[geoff]

Hello Cookie, thanks for coming to the forum and to lose someone who you were involved with and done so much with, and to be your first sexual experience, would be devastating when she hooks up with someone online.

The problem of meeting up with someone online is that they rarely last, simply because people talk about themselves in an exaggerated way online, especially if they know a house is involved.

Having sexual encounters with only one person makes you believe that there is no one else, it seems to lock you up and it shires you away from believing that anybody can fall in love with you.

Sex doesn't happen straight away, you have to meet somebody first, someone who talks to you at work, a person who has the same ideas and interests as yourself, that's how you slowly build up a relationship.

Feeling out of control is an anxiety, which will cause you to criticise, blame, and a lack of having a sexual partner is not based on your sexual self-worth.

Find a partner who honours you, enjoys your excitement, eager to understand ways to give you pleasure this will develop your sexual worth.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Cookie182

First, let me just say that Geoff has so many excellent pieces of advice.

Second, from a female perspective, there are women out there who are looking for a thoughtful sensitive guy to share experiences with, both inside and outside of the bedroom. I'm lucky, I ended up marrying one of the good guys. Getting to know a person's nature and feeling at ease with their nature is key to confidence. As Geoff mentioned 'Find a partner who honours you', not one who grades or degrades you. Of course, there are plenty of shallow folk out there definitely worth avoiding. And as far as your dating resume goes, whilst it may not appear to be a long one as far as quantity goes, it's one that displays amazing qualities regarding commitment and loyalty. At 28, there are women out there who are beginning to look at settling down with someone who has such an impressive history and not someone who has a history of being a bit of a player. By the way, I'm not suggesting you specifically look at settling down yourself at this stage.

Unfortunately, we are typically not taught what self-esteem is all about, which is a shame. My motto: It's never too late to learn. I read a great book not too long ago called 'The six pillars of self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. The six pillars: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully and the practice of personal integrity. Branden goes into detail regarding how self-esteem impacts various areas of life. Plenty of tips and 'Aha!' moments.

Cookie182, whilst personal evolution is about self-love and growth, mutual evolution sees us set foot on a path where we share love and growth with another. It all becomes a matter of 'Who is worth growing with?'

I wish you great adventure and good fortune on your quest of evolution.