A feeling of loss

[Carebear78]

My sons girlfriend recently had an abortion. My son came to tell me she was pregnant, and just as I got excited, he then told me she was getting an abortion. My belief is that every woman has their choice, but man was it hard when it was my grandchild! Then i find out it was twins!! She is completely happy because she didn’t want to have to give up football or her other sports, but I don’t think she realised what she just did. How do I get past this? In my beliefs, she just killed two children because she didn’t practice safe sex. Yet it was her choice. I’m so devastated but I showed support to them through the whole thing. My husband has been great, but I don’t think he understands how much this hurts me. How do I get past this?!

[CJames]

Hi Carebear78,

I'm incredibly sorry to hear the situation you're in.

Firstly, welcome to the forums. It's a great place to express any issues/problems you encounter, in a judge-free environment.

It must be so hard to comprehend what has just occurred, especially when it's your family and the decision was made without your inclusion. I commend the way you have dealt with this so far, as hard as it has been. Alternatively, you're accepting that every woman has their choice. As you may know, we all make mistakes; some can be altered and other's cant. It may not have been the right time for your son's girlfriend to have a child; I'm sure as a mother you're aware of the environment children should be brought into.

Have you thought of speaking to a psychologist or GP? Alternatively, contact an organisation like beyondblue, to point you in the right direction. Even talking to someone like a family member or a trusted friend can help too.

As a male myself, I can understand the way direction your husband is heading regarding this. I can only suggest sitting down with him and discussing your feelings Carebear; this will allow him to understand the extent to which this has affected you properly.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help, I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

Please keep us updated.

Cheers,

C.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Carebear78,
I’m so sorry you are grieving the loss of what would have been your grandchildren. I think your son has shown poor judgement in telling you this, it’s an intensely personal and private thing for his girlfriend, and it showed little regard for the hurt that you would obviously feel. Not only that but it inadvertently damages the relationship between you and his girlfriend, which is not constructive. For what it’s worth, many women experience a lot of problems with contraception, myself included, for a number of reasons. Although the onus of birth control invariably falls on the woman, I will also say that it was both your son and his girlfriend who didn’t practice safe sex. That being said, I wish to reassure you that most women don’t take an abortion lightly, there is a lot of judgment surrounding the procedure etc, and I doubt your son’s girlfriend took it lightly. I have seen babies born into environments and relationships where people weren’t ready for them and I think it’s fairest on a baby for the couple to be ready for them.

[Carebear78]

Thanks C, it’s good to know someone understands. I do admit, they are not in the right place to bring a child (or two) into the world. I do understand their decision. It’s just hard when it’s the opposite to my beliefs. I fell pregnant with my son at 18 and probably wasn’t in the place to bring him into the world, by because I’m against abortion I did. I do not regret a thing.

I think I may speak to my GP because I do not wish to have this in the back of my mind and inadvertently hold it against them.

I do thank you for your reply

[Carebear78]

Hi Juliet,

A bit more information. His girlfriend did tell him it was okay for him to tell me. I don’t think it was wrong of him to tell me at all, I’m glad that he did, as much as it did hurt me. I want to be able to support him (and his girlfriend) and I can only do that if I know what is going on.

You are correct in the fact that it was both their fault. Abortion as birth control is completely wrong and I hope they both learn from this experience.

She was brought up wth different beliefs, as 4 of her 5 sisters have also had an abortion, and her sister was the one she went to when she found out she was pregnant.

I just feel like I’m being selfish because I wanted those babies 👶

[Juliet_84]

Hi Carebear78,

I don’t think you are being selfish for wanting those babies, virtually all grandparents are understandably elated when they find out they are having a grandchild. That is the reason that I think you may have not been the best person to go to for support in this instance. It wasn’t intended as a criticism of your son, merely that I think that your negative feelings could have been foreseen and potentially avoided. I think my mother would also be devastated by the loss and so if it were me I would go to someone more age-appropriate such as my sister, as she is more closely aligned with me (and doesn’t care about children so much right now). I also think it’s very difficult to provide support to a person when you are devastated by their decision, I imagine it must be very conflicting for you. Do you have any close friends that you can confide in about this? Is your husband a source of comfort? Perhaps you could consider going to see someone professionally that you can talk about your feelings of grief?

[rockdaisy]

Hi Care bear,

Its so hard to feel you lost family before you met them. You had your son at 18 and made so many sacrifices as all parents do could it be that you feel you had to give up things for your baby and did so whereas your sons girlfriend wasn't prepared to give up her sports. Perhaps you could find a goal or hobby you've always had and pursue it to fill a bit of the void that you feel.