33 years and my husband says he doesn't love me anymore - but happy for us to be business partners

[Shelly84400]

In December he announced he was leaving: cited character flaws of mine he could no longer cope with - in reality he has lived half the year in Europe each year, two to three months at a time (we have a property there) leaving me in Australia to earn the income and support our long term dream of living there together and running a business. I have felt increasingly abandoned emotionally these last two years - he takes a while to settle in when he comes back - and makes no effort to find work here, to organise anything (dinner, film, seeing friends) Rather than just say ' lets move to Europe' he kept buying tickets and staying there for longer periods. Now I feel like he's gaslighting me after all these years (citing I am argumentative, I don't apologise easily, I can be impatient with people) - all flaws, all true, all part of me for 33 years. But he doesn't see my relationships with friends and work - he is a loner. I blow up in an argument and then it's out, he holds it in. It is like he has flicked a switch and can only see the negative of the last two years - no more or less than any couple we know, but he says we're done. He flew back to Europe after some therapy here but said later he was only doing it to make it easier for me (when he left) I have since flown over (told him I was coming, no surprises) - sat down and said this property we were building (and I had financed) was our shared future, finally making an income from an asset in our later years. When I put the financial argument to him he said ' you're right and I cant think of anyone I'd rather have as my business partner' I have now given notice at a great job here, and will join him next year. But separate rooms. He only kisses me on the cheek, no hand holding, no intimacy. He's coming back to sell our home here then heading off again. I still love him with all my heart but I feel broken in to a million pieces. He is the kindest man but I don't recognise him now. I hope that if I join him and we work together he'll start to see a future together. Or am I delusional? I wake up in the night here crying in my sleep, I cant concentrate I feel so broken and unloved. And after so much we've been through, he cant commit to therapy, to repair, to choose love.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm saddened by your situation. It is common in my observations that one party of a marriage drifts but equally surprising is often that person that drifts still wants the teamwork to continue like that of a business partnership. 

I'm guessing you are mid 50's and for many that age they yearn for the romance, even holding hands (I'm 67 and still hold my wife's hand), a peck on the cheek and hugs. Sadly others dont need it and find it uncomfortable usually because the desire has gone or... they have an affair. The dynamics whatever the reason is based on each individual and it isnt usually repairable. It's why many people in your situation of lost affection stick it out because the thought of separation is too much to bare.

What concerns me is his travel periods, how long they are and his non contribution towards the future with you doing all the hard yards. I'm sorry if I seem suspicious, I am. From an outsider my view is he is using you. It could be my quasi law enforcement background and investigation career in past years.

Whatever the truth the one fact remains here- you are deeply unhappy and 33 years is a long time to consider breaking free and seeking the love you want. For me I'd have a different view, unhappiness is one of my key needs and I'm not negotiable on it if I give my all. Hence my 12 year marriage now is my 4th long term relationship and I'm very happy.

I hope I have helped and post again if you want. Whatever your choices, you do have them and they are yours to make but the current living situation seems to satisfy him greatly with holidays and a good financial base on the other side of the world that to date, you are happy to provide him. Is that fair?

TonyWK

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Shelly,

I would also like to welcome you to our forums…

Our lovely Tony has given you some great things to think about, and I like what he has said to you…

What I’m wondering about is….If he does sell your home here and you move overseas with him…If, things do get worse with him and he does want to separate from you…How are you going to feel living overseas on your own verses living here in Australia?….I mean once your home in Australia is sold…you won’t be able to move back to Australia and back into it, if your not liking living overseas…….Would you be able to come back to Australia or would you be stuck overseas?…

Sorry, if I’ve confused you at all, but just not wanting you to make a choice that you might regret later….sometimes going with our heart without thinking things through properly can maybe be the wrong choice….just something for you to think about…hope so much that I haven’t upset you at all…

My kindest thoughts Dear Shelly, also my care..

Grandy..