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25 year old virgin male who has never had a girlfriend. I feel like a pathetic loser.

Semiconductor
Community Member

I'm a 25 year old male. I've never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or been on a date and I am a virgin. I pretty much have no experience when it comes to romance or intimacy. I feel very lonely, unwanted and unappreciated.

I am an introvert by nature and I'm very shy. I'm not the most attractive guy out there, but I do have a good heart and would like to be with someone. I'm quite straight laced and I'm not the party type. I consider myself down-to-earth, polite, kind, considerate, intelligent, tenderhearted, respectful, responsible and genuinely sensitive. I'm not interested in one-night stands or cheap hookups. I value committed, authentic romantic relationships.

I've only known heartbreak when it comes to women. I've really liked several girls over the years and ended up heartbroken either because they didn't feel the same way, they already had boyfriends or I asked them out and they rejected me.

There are times where I feel that I cannot relate to most people my age because I just have not had the same experiences as them. I dread conversations about sex or relationships with my friends. It feels pretty crappy to wonder why everyone manages to get a girlfriend while you’re left in the dust, even when you put yourself out there. It really does makes you feel less of a man.

I'm also extremely worried that because I have literally no intimate experience whatsoever with anyone, girls will not want to get involved with me because of it. I feel like most girls wouldn't want to be with a man that doesn't have any romantic experience at the age of 25.

41 Replies 41

P12
Community Member

I have difficulty composing my thoughts to respond to this subject.

 

I am nine years older than the original poster was at time of post. Otherwise my situation is similar. I think I am largely naive about the subject.

 

I have felt attracted or connected to three women (other than my mother) in my life. The first I saw on a train and in an office building. I researched her to determine her name and tried twice to contact her but I never received a reply. We never spoke; she might not know I exist. The second I met in a common interest group 5.5 years ago. We met roughly 15 occasions in 1.5 years. I tried to establish a friendship but I concluded she wasn't interested, probably because she was married. I haven't seen or heard from her for three years. The third I met though a different common interest group 4.5 years ago. I am in contact with her several times each year. I tried hard to establish a close connection. One day I concluded it probably would not work because I was not receiving reciprocal action. I concluded her values differ to mine even though I think they are similar and she is the woman I have been in contact with for the longest duration in my life. I continue to try to make friends with her. I think we have an imaginary or telepathic connection.

 

My first clinical psychologist believes that I will feel better if I have a girlfriend or partner. He recommends I use online dating websites. I have been using these regularly for five years. In that time I have met two people for one hour each and spoken by phone to a handful of others. Usually people ignore me or don't respond further  after a few exhanges. Is it meant to be satirical?

 

The other prevailing recommendation I have received is to participate in common interest groups. I have attended hundreds and met thousands, but other than the cases above I haven't formed a close connection. My psychologist believes people in common interest groups don't necessarily want a close connection and the appropriate place for obtaining one is online dating sites, though my evidence is the opposite.

 

My second clinical psychologist says I will feel better if I reduce cognition and follow my values. She asks me if I want to be better connected to other people. I say yes. However, I believe independence is a higher aim than interdependence, therefore I get stuck with the treatment method. I say that I pay her to have a connection with her, but I haven't felt a reciprocal connection.

 

I think I would like to have a close connection. I am definitely lonely and it contributes to my mental unhealth. The trouble I find is that the effort required appears to be disproportionate to the benefit. In twelve years my achievements are those listed. I don't know how to sustainably obtain one.

P12
Community Member

Four days ago I overheard that the third woman I mentioned above has apparently formed a partnership with another person.

 

Despite trying to resign myself to believing that our values and feelings are not fully aligned or reciprocated, I felt saddened by the news. It came after a string of other sad experiences. I don't feel so good psychologically at the moment. My head is tense and spinning, I feel physically unwell, I can't sleep, I crawled into a ball in bed and cried at night and in the morning. I think it is what is called a broken heart. I don't think I have felt this way previously because I am naive about situations like this.

 

When I was younger my father told me that it would be nice if I could find a partner. I do want this. He said unless I tried harder people would overlook me and I would instead need to resort to find someone later in life (i.e. divorced). I didn't know what to say because I felt he was encouraging me to not be myself, and I think it is important to be true to myself, to do things when I am naturally ready. I am still confused and traumatised by it.

 

Despite meeting hundreds of people I can't seem to form a connection. My psychologist says it is part of my disorder. I just keep trying and hope that I might find someone suitable.

 

 

When I meet the woman in three weeks time I am going to try to act with my fullest integrity to be happy for their achievement and I am going to try to act with courage by explaining some of my disorder, and how it makes it difficult for me to communicate effectively.