15 year relationship, was it for nothing?

[MandaC]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 15 years (16 in November) and we have been having issues for maybe the last year and a half. Pretty much since he started hanging out with new people. Anyway, he has been drinking to excess everyday, is at the pub minimum 3 times a week and gambles a lot. My issue is when he drinks he is a different person. He rarely remembers what happened when he wakes the next morning, which is fine for him, but not for me as he is usually quite mean in the things he says when he is drunk. He usually says things like he is going to leave me, he has had enough, im stupid etc. Last night was really bad where he said he wanted to move and I said i didnt (because i dont want to move away from family and be someone where i have no one, and my dad is also not in the best of health) so because of that I dont love him and have never loved him and ive just used him for 15 years (thats the nice version). He also accuses me of cheating all the time which i would never do. He was saying that his life is worthless etc. He said he left his kids for me and i have done nothing for him. His kids are still in our lives, i have always made an effort with them (they are all grown up now). He stormed out of the house and has not returned. I tried to call him a couple of times this morning to see if he was ok but he didnt answer. I sent a text saying if he didnt want to talk at least let me know that he is ok please and I got a text back saying "ok". that is all the communication i have got.

Last year, he left me without warning but came back 2 or 3 days later realising he had 'made a mistake'. This was after he had an affair and i forgave him.

i dont know what to do. Is this it? I have stood by him with all that he has done, been there for him through everything. I feel so alone and lost. My best friend is gone.

[leesy_lou]

Muring MandaC,

Sounds like a defeating day - a day where I would most likely end up crying in the shower. You found the strength to come on here and connect with us, I hope this in itself helps as we are always here wanting to connect with you and chat.

From what you have said it sounds like he has given you an ultimatum that is really unfair, and to be completely honest not reflective of the REAL truth at all - that sucks!

Either you move your whole life for him away from your support networks/family and especially your father who you support at the moment, or the relationship ends, you loose the family you have with him and you have "wastes" a large portion of your life pretending to love him. Standing back and looking at these options objectively, neither seem like good or healthy options, and that sucks. I completely understand why you would be feeling helpless and down yourself, and cant pull yourself up. When the people around us feel helpless its easy to fall into this frame of thinking as well, and almost dwell together, I think it happens to me and its not until you stand back, almost shake off the helplessness, that bits of hope pop back in.

Thinking out aloud here but do you think the fact that he believes there are only two options in this scenario suggest that he only sees two scenarios playing out? If so, this is so untrue, and points to "learned helplessness". I'm no doctor but you said earlier that he experienced trauma in his childhood and sometimes that can lead to people believe they have no control over their life (learned helplessness)- this could be something you are beginning to feel yourself so could be interesting to check out, and flag early. Just knowing about this should help you gain some perspective.

Remember you always have choices, you are not responsible for other peoples happiness, and just because we love someone beyond believe doesn't mean we stop loving ourselves ❤️

I said it already but I feel you need to hear it again, the fact that always consider your partners feelings and are their for others is admirable and selfless, just don't leave yourself behind. There is a difference "Caring" and "Rescuing".

Talk soon X

[MandaC]

Thank you again. We had a good weekend, we spent the weekend together at home, he took the days off work and spent time with me which was nice. No arguing which was even better.

Tonight he has walked out again. We had a good day, we were sitting down before i was about to cook dinner and he said he missed 'us' and wanted to get 'us' back. That he was going to try harder etc and I said I would try as well. Things were good. Then 5 mins later he asked about moving away again, I said I didn't want to, again, and then I just copped it all. Same verbal abuse as before, this time he included my family in it. Called them money hungry scum that only want our house. (They don't).
He has said it's over, again, and walked out. He has been drinking so I have no idea if he is going to remember any of this or parts of this. If this really is over or it isn't?he says I treat him like shit. I apologised if I did, i didn't think i did.

I feel so worthless, lonely, unloved. Obviously I am not good enough.

[leesy_lou]

Morning MandaC,

Sounds like the last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster for you - no wonder you are feeling out of depth with it all.

On one hand you were able to have a good weekend where you felt re-connected and enjoyed each other company, free of tension. Him taking work off for you sounds like a lovely gesture. But it now sounds like things have cycled back around in a way, to the same issues. What are you doing to cope when this happens?

Feeling unloveable and lonely given the situation is completely understandable. Things seems to not be getting better and you blame yourself. Things are being said by your partner during heated conversation which stick like glue. They are hurtful comments and are aimed to put you down. From what your saying it sounds like this is followed by complete withdrawal leaving you isloated and in the dark with no support and love. This is not okay. It is abuse and never okay for someone to treat you or anyone like this. Someone else's actions are not your responsibility and do not point to your incapabilities. You are probably thinking - Maybe if I did this or didn't, I'll say less next time.....I really get it, I've been there. I know with myself and others that sharing the ugly parts of relationships is sensitive, so just know that I hear both what you are saying and not saying and you are not alone. But continuously changing ourselves to reduce conflict that is occurring due to someones else behaviour only silences us, and delays the inevitable.

I'm so sorry that this relationship is not progressing the way wish and deserve, but that is not your fault. Is there anyone that you can talk to in your personal life that knows about this?

[MummaCat]

Hi Manda,

I have just joined this forum after reading your post.

I was simply looking through to see if this might be a place I might find helpful when I came across your description “15 years wasted” and I caught my attention instantly.

The more I read, the more I was shocked how similar our stories are.

I have also had the 15 years, best friend, he walked out, had relations with other women whilst separated, has a drinking problem, his personality changes dramatically when drinking (even a little), is emotionally abusive whilst intoxicated, projects anger onto me and others in the family, when I know we have done nothing to deserve it and it instead stems from an abusive upbringing.

However, this has been going on for more like 10 of our 15 years but it probably was gradually showing itself earlier but I didn’t realise.

We have children from previous relationships (mostly grown) and one together who is still a child.

I have endured all forms of chaos and haven’t been able to walk away because of the children.

I haven’t had financial independence from a job as life with an alcoholic doesn’t afford that luxury when the care of children is at stake.

I also haven’t had family at all as they just aren’t ‘available’.

I don’t make many friendships as others don’t need the drama and I don’t blame them. It’s so consuming I have very little else to talk about.

I wanted to reach out and let you know how similar our ‘ride’ is.

If you have a good family I would be very reluctant to leave that. I feel this would only isolate you further and I can’t help but feel this may sadly be his endgame. Once you have nobody left but him, he could feel more empowered and increase the disrespect towards you.

When he says he misses ‘us’ it sounds like he misses the times when perhaps you made him the centre of your world and he wants that back or to more of a degree than previous .This may be what he is trying to achieve (due to his own emotional issues) but this would not be a very happy place for you to be.

I am currently trying to navigate what I should be doing but the only thing I do know is I need to be looking after me. I need to do what is best for me (and the youngest child).

Exactly what that is changes from day to day so that’s how I’m tackling it.One day at a time. This is very hard since I am a planner and doer, I hate stagnating.

I hope this helps you in some way. Perhaps in the very least to know that your situation isn’t unique and it isn’t your fault.

[leesy_lou]

Hi MandaC,

Noticed you hadn't replied to this forum (which is so okay - no preesure to reply) but just wanted to check-in to see if you are doing okay this week.

Thinking about you ❤️

[Guest_3256]

Good afternoon MandaC.

I couldn't help but notice your post and want to know that this is a great place to seek support. I imagine that you must be feeing extremely emotionally and physically overwhelmed with the situation you and your partner are experiencing at the moment. I also understand from what you have said, that he has difficulties managing his emotions, he has intoxication issues and obsessed with wanting to know if you want to move. Obviously your partner has things going on in his mind that he may be trying to suppress with drinking, curiously, that it may all have something to with moving to another location. Can I ask you why he wants you both to move locations?

[MandaC]

Thank you for checking up on me and concern. Things seem to have settled down for a bit regarding moving at least. The verbal stuff when drinking has calmed down and he is trying to cut back hos drinking and has talked to his Dr, so progress. Another issue has been in th background and has gotten worse unfortunately. He has been going to a female neighbours for a while now and I have questioned it, every time. He says nothing is going on but is displaying same behavior as last time he cheated, protective of phone, she's calling him all the time, he leaves the room when she calls etc (when he puts everyone else on speaker phone), takes her shopping etc. It's been really upsetting me and he keeps saying he is 'sick of my shit' when I ask what they talked about or if she has called etc. I said to him how about if he agrees to tell me when she messages and calls/shows me and when she calls put her on speaker phone to help put me at ease then. He agreed. He says nothing is going on. Today we were going out to spend day together and I heard her on the phone in the car when he pulled up. He got out and said nothing, I left it a few minutes, still nothing so I asked what were they talking about. He lost it. Said he was sick of my sick, over it. He was done and leaving.
I said he agreed this morning he was going to tell me not keep these secret. He denied it. I said if he wasn't hiding anything then why is he so angry over it.
He stormed out of the house saying he is leaving and doesn't know if he will be back.i snapped and said don't come back 😳😭. He came back inside and grabbed stuffed said it's all my fault.
I didn't mean it I don't want him to go.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Manda,

I want to ask one thing, and remind you of another;

1) I know you said you "don't want him to leave" .... (and I'm not advocating leaving OR staying together) but why don't you want him to leave?

People sometimes think that their partner is the only person they have in the whole world, and that if the partner leaves, then they'll be left with no one but sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes our friends (yes, even the ones we've lost touch with) and family can see what we can't and have backed away silently, BECAUSE OF the (Perhaps toxic?) partner, and can often come bouncing back once the toxic person is out of the picture. I know that when I was in a toxic relationship, I has lost contact with so many people .... but it was because of his behavior, rather than me thinking that he was the 'only one' I had left. Does that make sense?

Maybe another way to put it is like this; I thought I drank because of my problems, but my problems were because of my drinking.

2) The other thing I wanted to point out is that whether he, or you, or both of you relocate to somewhere else, your issues go right along with you. "Wherever you go, there you are" is what they said to me, in my drinking days. I kept thinking that a change of postcodes would 'fix' everything, but it never did. So yeah, wherever he goes, he takes himself and his dishonest, evasive behavior with him. The ONLY thing that 'fixes' bad/dishonest behavior, is healthy, honest behavior.

I would like to (strongly) suggest that you contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) and/or Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) to get some advice and support, at least for yourself if nothing else.

It just seems as though you are on a very UNfun merry-go-round and somewhere, somehow, that repeating cycle of pain needs to be broken or interrupted. I really do feel for you, and for what you are going through. It's hard to love someone who doesn't really seem to love you back in the way that you need.

Anyway, still here if you want to talk some more. I tend to 'check in' most days on here, so I'll be keeping an eye out for your reply, if you want to.

Take care.Thinking of you. xo