14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

[Bluejay47]

I have been married to this man for 14 yrs there has been a few breaking points but I have stuck it out because He can be a good guy

Recently he has gone bankrupt due to borrowing against out house

he deceived me throughout the whole last 5 years in a new business he started, with money and debt and next minute we had to sell our house, not much left

he has seen psychiatric people years before and was diagnosed bi polar but I have always doubted this and now he has been taken off one medication but on another.

He doesn't seem different tho so guessing it was ineffectual anyway

year after year of depression and really selfish behaviour plus losing everything I'm near at an end.

He hada string of bad things happen at work over 14 years which I have stood by him.

He is angry that he has no biological kids.

he is pretty obsessed with this even tho my kids have called him dad since day dot and my youngest was 3 when we met.

He has dreadful crying and screaming episodes, he doesn't communicate, rose coloured glasses so pretends he is perfect

He says I'm such a good man, he can't believe I would be unhappy with him,

I guess this is a small example of what has constantly happened in the marriage

he always went to psychologist but somehow pretended to be the good guy and simply said the surface problems he had and no one ever really dug deep,I guess

he is the comedian and all say oh what a wonderful guy he is... Life of the party etc but I and the kids get Sad man, he pretends to be happy he is passive aggressive, says really cutting things like I will find a younger woman to have a baby, he tells me I'm yelling but I absolutely don't

so I have finally got my own counselling and after 4 sessions I have been feeling fantastic and I have realised that he just goes to the psyc and its all about him and not a thought as to how all these things have affected our marriage kids.

Im angry as I can feel that by being honest with his psyc it possibly could have been helpful if he told the hard truth to perhaps to help us..

I feel let down by the drs and him because he just doesn't get it that I want some truth and feeling not pushed away and silence and oh it's not a good time because he feels depressed!! For 14 years

im ready to walk away but he rebooked 5 sessions with the psyc he has started seeing and promises he will listen. his own admission he just doesn't listen to the advice aparaNTLY WTF but now he will. I have lost trust

opinions please

[Bluejay47]

As regards to trauma on the surface

his parents poor, mother very caring and looks like a. Story book... Like he comes home from school for lunch his dad has his fav food got him, protects him gives him everything that they could afford. Actually spoilt pampered and considered an amazement! His mum died 8 years ago at 80 and she was his biggest fan I guess.

[pipsy]

Hi Bluejay47. From what you say your hubby was left to his own devices. Because he was considered the favourite, he was allowed to do whatever he liked. The father being a narc possibly instilled a feeling of 'superiority' in your hubby. A bit of hoping, son would learn how to be a man like dad. Father ruling the house possibly told mother to bow to sons every whim. If he was the first born, he would've been classed as 'golden'. Second son to gain dad's approval, tries to emulate dad by being CEO. Sister fights to gain recognition in her own right. Narc men often refer to women as second-class citizens who are there for men. Sister tries to be like dad by emulating inappropriate behaviour. Dad is obviously the strongest personality so children try to emulate. Mum, out of her depth smiles, goes along, trying to keep things running smoothly. Wow, you come along, into an extremely dysfunctional family. Trying hard to work in with hubby and family, you've almost lost you into the bargain, hence the 'gas light' term you referred to. You're basically questioning your own sanity. If, after seeing hubby's psych, you decide you want to stay, at least you'll have a clearer understanding of what you're going to have to live with. If hubby refuses to acknowledge, or change, you then have to make some decisions for you. I feel rather sorry for the way your hubby was raised. His parents behaviour was something he was forced to endure right from the start.

By the way, unreal about the g'mother's death. I presume you were talking about his g'mother. You said father's mother. Sounds as though the father wanted sympathy first rather than calling the authorities. By getting sympathy, which the authorities would've been too busy to give much of, g'father is considered that 'poor man'.

Lynda.

[Nonny]

Hi Bluejay,

My ex-husband was similar to how you describe yours. Pipsy has given you great advice. I'd like to ask a few questions that helped me eventually get out of the dangerous relationship I was in, though I didn't realise until later. I lost everything except my children when I left, but somehow its all worked out and I have no doubt leaving was the right thing to do.

It's not easy to leave and we get lost in our long term patterns, hence a counsellor is really useful. I don't know your religious beliefs but this may be your only life, do you want to spend it in this relationship with its enormous difficulties? Later on when you look back at your life is this a time you wish you had done more, worked harder, supported their man more? Or, will you value and remember walks in the park/beach, coffee with friends and laughing with your children? Or even extra bit of education you took on etc?

If trust is lost how can there be a relationship? Be brave and plan for your future. Take good care of yourself you deserve it.

[Bluejay47]

Oh yes it was the fathers mother... Almost laughable really. U pretty much nailed it as far as dysfunctional. I have lots to do now. Thanks heaps for your insight

[pipsy]

Hi Bluejay. So glad I was able to help. Please feel free to post whenever you've had enough. With narc's they have to be seen as perfect by everyone who meets them. it's part of the insecurity. Which is why your hubby's g'father went door to door when his wife died. It had to be about him first. He needed the sympathy and recognition that he had been such a good hubby and didn't deserve to be left a widower.

Lynda.

[PeteyBoPetey]

I was thinking it sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder to me