Worried about living near rapist

[TimTams]

Hi,

Is there anyone else who has been sexually assaulted who is worried about living near the person who assaulted them?

I moved two states away but I still feel like Australia is a small enough country to always be worried about running into him or him trying to find me one day.

Am I being irrational?

I just hate thinking I have to live the rest of my life always staying in because I want to minimise the chance of ever being in public where he could see me.

Also does anyone else struggle to understand how people who were once friends/bosses/work colleagues believe a state is "good" when that is where you were raped and where your rapist remains unpunished? I find it impossible to understand how people who once were my allies think that their state is in any way good.

[IsaJett]

Hi Tim Tams

i was harassed by someone and suffered trauma as a result . PTSD and anxiety was what I had .without talking about details ...there were triggers lots of them for me ...that would tick me off and I get super anxious about it . I saw a Pyschologist and it has helped me identify my triggers and why I would re traumatise myself each time . You should see a Pyschologist about it and they can talk to you about coping strategies . I highly recommend seeing one if you can..just ask your GP for a referral. And I believe its free 10 sessions with Medicare.

Meanwhile you can try some meditation video which I have found ..helped me lots ..Jason Stephenson is one I have used ...just look him up on youtube . Search engine PTSD and ANxiety and his name ...a lot will pop out ..so just find one that suits you best .

Please keep writing us and give us an update on how you are going ...Stay well my friend

[Soberlicious96]

Dear TimTams,

I would think it's quite normal, given what you have been through, to worry about runninginto the person who attacked you. And I say that because I too was sexually assaulted, when I was much younger, and I too worried about him/them coming to find me. And let me tell you, I moved house a LOT - 19 times in a 7 year period, in fact.

It took me a long time, and getting sober (I drank and drugged to try and drown the fears), to realise that the very thing I was trying to run from was in fact my own PTSD.I tried many postcodes, believe me, before I realised that it was the geographical location that was the problem. It was my own trauma and my inability to deal with it on my own.

I began attending therapy with an organization called CASA - Centre Against Sexual Assault - and it helped me calm my fears and to separate the horror stories that my head kept coming up with, from reality. And to look at the facts, rather than the fears.

And the facts are that most people in my life, and indeed society, are actually good people. Sure we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but not every person is a rapist ...... not every person is all good or all bad either. We are all a bit of a mix, and it varies in the degree and the detail. I guess I've learned that if I focus on looking for the good, then it's easier to find.

Perhaps if you go to your local community centre, they may have a sexual assault counseling service, or if not one there, then they may hopefully be able to refer you to one. Most of them are free (or have been, in my experience.)

Please do yourself that one favor, and find a service that can help you navigate a way back from this fear that is holding you back.

Take care and let me/us know if you need any more advice or experience that may help. We're here for you. xo

[TimTams]

I know I probably sound irrational because Australia has millions of other residents, but I have ran into random friends before in different capital cities while attending music events/events etc. So I just know there is some probability that if I go out in public it could happen. While rare the thought of it makes me horrified. I never want to go out in public when it is not necessary again because it then increases that probability.

I also feel anger at everyone who lives in the state where he is for going on with their lives there and not leaving. I feel angry at my past bosses for this too and severely distrust all who I knew now who remain in that state. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable that other people just go on living around them and act completely oblivious.

I just feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life hiding away from the public because otherwise I am just constantly expecting him to pop up out of nowhere.

Can I ask how you guys deal with living in Australia and managing being out in public? How do you handle other people living in the same state as your attacker?

I honestly feel like I should avoid public events at all costs in major cities and actively avoid anything that I think he might in the past have went to or could go to.

I am starting counselling this week, and really honestly need it. I honestly do not think I could go to major events in capital cities here in Australia again.

Do you ever stop scanning and being on alert everywhere you go?

[TimTams]

Thank you! I was thinking about trying meditation. I will look that up on YouTube. I was reading a book yesterday and there were so many different types of meditation I was not really sure where to start.

I just do not know how people just walk around their country in the same way again to be completely honest. I feel like I will never be truly free like I used to be. I doubt I will ever go out in public again when it is not a necessity because of wanting to ensure there is far less probability of him ever finding/seeing me again.

[TimTams]

I really want to move houses/areas too.

[TimTams]

Also last question but what do you do about these people being on social media/Facebook? It really freaks me out. I no longer use social media. There are days I want to know where they are so I can make sure I am not near them geographically. But the thought of seeing them blending into society now makes me too sick. Do you avoid social media too?

[TimTams]

And also (sorry this will be my last question) I am really struggling with how selfish other people appear. I am finding it really hard to see my old bosses/friends/relatives having just been completely unaffected by what I went through. My own relative even moved near the area where my attacker lives and decided to stay there after I was assaulted. I feel a great sense of distrust to all those people now who are in that area and could not care less. I was left really alone and I feel really mad that instead of caring everybody instead stopped caring about me. It has been really hard trying to come to terms with how selfish some people can be. I do not want to sound like 'oh poor me' but it has been a really harsh life lesson that I am genuinely alone in this. Does anyone else find that nobody else has cared about what happened to them in their lives? Is it just that rape victims still do not receive sympathy from people? Or is it that people just cannot relate and have no idea unless it has happened to them? I am starting to realise that these people have no idea whatsoever.

[Soberlicious96]

I think it's more that they just don't understand the depth or the level at which survivors are affected. It's not their fault, they just don't get it. It's a bit like trying to explain snow to some who has spent their life living in a desert. It's important to remember the people in your life now, who ARE SAFE to be around. The people who DO have your back, and the people who HAVE respected you and protected you, as best they can with what they have.

Changing your focus takes practice, practice, and more practice. Pick someone who is safe in your life, and every time your attacker comes into your mind, remind yourself that there are safe people in your life, like that person named such-and-such, who is a friend or relative. Perhaps you could build a list of the good people in your life, and put it up on your fridge. Put some photos up of the good people in your life as well, so that your 'visual' mind has the chance to become more focused on those, rather than on your attackers.

You may not ever forget what happened, but you CAN move the attack, and the attackers away from the front of your mind.

It took me some years - not weeks or months, but years to stop 'scanning' places for my attackers. I wish I could tell you there was an easier softer way, but I haven't found it. Like I said above, it take practice, practice and more practice to re-train your mind and your thoughts. And the more you give these attackers 'free rent in your head', the more they will hang around in your thoughts, like a manky stray cat.

Starve your mind of the damage done, and flood it with the good people, the good places, and the good things.

And may I strongly suggest you get counseling, because I for one am not a qualified counselor. Just a fellow survivor.

As for social media, well, I don't avoid it, but I am very selective about who I have on there as a friend. If I think that there could be a 'friend in common' then I don't have them as any kind of a contact.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Just be patient with yourself, and with others. Just because people don't understand what it's like, doesn't mean they don't care.

Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Mel. xo