Why would a mother not care how her child feels and just apologise what happened to me? *Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse*

[Nickname_A]

What would you do?

I am in mid 40s and I wanted to know what would you do in this circumstances?

My father molested me and my two siblings when we were 5 years old and over. My siblings don't care about it and they don't blame my mother. They are very controlling and are narsisic personality. I left home when I was 16 because mum won't put a lock on my door because my memories came back and I told her I was scared of dad coming into my room. My dad still lived in the house until he left her when I was 22 years old. I moved out when I was 16 as mum wouldn't put a lock on my room. She has never apologized till now. We go through ups and downs when I see her not caring about my feelings of what happened. She will always give me a blank look or look at me like I am lying. She denied it at first then my brother said to mum stop lying. I also saw my mum when I was five years old looking at what my dad did and not say anything.
My point to this is my dad just recently passed away and my mum went to his funeral with my brother and sister and also traveled out of their way to put all his ashes overseas etc. I told her I didn't want her to go to his funeral and she went then I said I didn't want her to go overseas to drop his ashes, and she did go. I told her I felt she was unloyal to me and still think what he did was correct. So since the funeral, I have avoided my mum and not talking to her much, and vice versa. It hurts me to see she has no care in the world to fix this. My mum is 74. I have helped her in so many ways in the last 15 years, getting good prices and deals for her medical, specialist etc, and have been going out of my way to help her in everything. I spend time with her once a week and go lunch, do her shopping etc. I have stopped all helping since the funeral.
My mum never left my dad, he left her eventually. It hurts me so much and when I tell her she gives me a sarcastic face or a face like I am stupid, or just stares in blankness.

Why would a mother not care how her child feels and just apologize what happended to me, and not go to my dads funeral and overseas to throw his ashes? Why doesnt she care?

[An_Aging_Youngster]

Hello Nickname_A

Welcome to this forum, and thank you for sharing your story.

From both what you write and the way you have written it, it seems that you have coped extremely well with issues that would traumatise a lot of people. I hope that my understanding is correct.

Your mother seems to lack the caring instinct that is normally found in mothers. Wikipedia has an entry on "Callous and unemotional traits" that seems to describe her. You might want to check it out. The causes in such cases can be complex, often being a mixture of genetics and upbringing.

To answer the question at the start of your post, I do not know what I would do.

Digging a little deeper into your question, it can be hard for people to form a dispassionate view of their own parents. While my own wife failed to see that her own mother had become a frail and dependent old lady, you seem to have gone a long way towards being able to see your own mother dispassionately, and I applaud you for that. In terms of the sense of rejection that you clearly feel, you are in a much better position to judge how long that might remain with you than I am.

Digging even deeper into your question, it might be helpful if you researched into this sort of behaviour in other people with a view to gaining a better understanding of your mother.

I hope these ideas are helpful.

Warm regards,
AAY

[white knight]

Hi welcome

Great to see AAY cjipping in on an opinion.

Im of the view that age of ones mother does not have a bearing on my reaction to their past wrong doings.

She didnt proyect you. Belittles you with her looks and judgement.

A few things about your approach.

Although you see it as disloyal, everyone has rights. They have rights to scatter his ashes, go to his funeral and turn a blind eye to his unforgiving acts. So it isnt right imo to object on that. Let them do as they want...its their right. Ootherwise you'll have problems with people throughout your life.

What about your rights? You certainly have a right to react how YOU want to towards anyone that mentions your father. Eg. If ever someone mentions him you are justified in saying "but he touched me inappropriately, can we change the topic? Or when your mother says things to praise him "you exercised you rights to scatter his ashes and go to his funeral...I'm exercising mine by showing my disgust at you shoveling child abuse under the carpet...you didnt protect me"

Essentially allowing people their rights releases you to exercise your own.

Humans must, as a race hold close to us our values collectively and individually. We also must improve our future in principle to treat our own children better than we were if we were abused.

This experience of yours might well lead to you becoming more distant from family. So be it. Its hard to swallow the truth and that your siblings are accepting of it. But you are entitled to a better life with people that you can treat as family that arent blood relatives.

Google

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: disowned by family members? How to survive it- beyondblue

Topic: abusive parents and their effect on us- beyondblue

Tony WK

[An_Aging_Youngster]

Hello Tony WK,

Thanks for the plaudit.

You have broadened my thinking. Everybody has personal rights, as you so eloquently describe it in your own words. I had missed that important point when addressing Nickname_A's question. I sometimes remain too narrowly focused on what I read.

Thank you for widening my horizons. 😀

AAY

[Grumpycow]

Hi Nickname_A
What I did was walked away. My stepfather molested me from an extremely vulnerable young age and didn’t stop until I fell pregnant at 15. By this stage I was far too introverted and scared of the world to remotely consider charges. I even lied as to who the father was to doctors and government officials. I have very scattered memories of my childhood, so I can’t tell you with certainty but mum seemed to take everything in her stride, I don’t remember a confrontation and we never moved away from my stepfather until my son was about 6 months old. All the while both insisting I keep my mouth shut “we can deal with it”. I struggled as a new mum, I don’t think the baby liked me and so I was grateful I had my mother’s help. Shortly after moving I fell pregnant a second time to a lovely young man. He had befriended me and it was nice to be like by someone my own age. After the second son was born, this young man and I gave life a go. We moved into our own place many miles away. I left my first son with my mother believing it was best for him. As I mother I wanted my son to be happy and he was always settled with her. Shortly after I started my own life, my mother took the paedophile back! Together they raised my son as their own. He called her Nana-mum and him Poppy-dad. My son knew who I was and I never missed a birthday, Christmas or Easter and never stopped telling him, if he ever needed me – Call me. However because I knew my parents we bad mouthing us I did keep a distance, I wouldn’t play that game. I had to keep a courteous facade so that I could see my son, I did play that game. Hindsight: I too believe my mother suspected or even knew and turned a blind eye about my childhood. So I had questions: How does a mother not protect her child? How does a mother continue to live with a paedophile? How does a mother take one back? And many more…..
My solution: walk away, I have tried to do the obligatory daughter thing and realised that’s all it was: obligatory. She is purely my egg donor. I buried myself in building my family and keeping them protected. My children have grown up and have learnt the truth and they still see their grandma from time to time (he died almost 12 years ago). That is their choice. I was never negative about my parents in front of my children. They are able to form their own opinions as I will stay true to mine.
My thoughts are with you while you find your way through this, I know how difficult it is.
Grumps