Triggers from the past *Trigger Warning:Sexual Assault*

[Dan-]

So this is always a hard subject to tell anyone . And was one of the hardest things I have ever done . It was to tell someone about when I was molested .

So I’m a guy and buy being a male I already feel like I have failed by writing this , like I should be strong and have no problems, it’s actually quite embarrassing to be honest .

Long story short when I was in year 7 or 8 a guy at my school in year 12 continually grabbed me at least 10 times and shoved his hands up my shirt to grab my man boobs , whilst making inappropriate movements towards me. He would squeeze me so tight that I couldn’t move , I would just freeze unable to do anything afraid he would get violent .I was a chubby kid and was always so scared of this guy and tried to avoid him. Growing up I only believed he was a bully however when you get older and reflect on things , you can see clearer and understand that this has seriously impacted me , yea he never touched my genitals but to me he still affected my self image even to this day I struggle with that . And even that in it self is a struggle because I feel there are much more worse of people then me , people get raped and here I am trying to say how hard I have had it .....

I can usually just not think about what happened , because it makes me angry , however I have a new problem . When me and my girlfriend get intimate there can sometimes be problems she will just be loving and sometimes you know accidentally touch my nipples . I instantly take her hands away from them and it wrecks the mood completely . “it happened so long ago “ “ are you sure it even happened “ “ it’s not even that bad “ . Is what is usually said. I know it’s not her fault but that just makes me feel even worse . The problem I have is I don’t want to accept the fact that I am a victim and I don’t want the stigma that society associates men who have been abused will abuse. I know I need to work on things but I think writing this here is a positive step , and it makes me feel good that I can vent , because I feel I can’t ever do that

[Croix]

Dear Dan

I can appreciate how hard it has been for you to write this post, an impressive piece of quiet courage. Men do have this idea of being tough and invulnerable, and it is really hard to realize this is a myth, we are all humans and vulnerable, no matter what our gender.

I'm not sure that the particular actions of that loathsome kid, where he actually put his hands, are the most important thing. He decided to make you powerless and humiliate you and sadly - like so many - this has cast a long shadow over your life since. Please don't worry about what has happened to others, your situation is a very bad one to live with and that is more than enough.

Having left you with no-go areas is very understandable, and I can imagine how it makes being intimate very difficult, even with someone who is cooperative and caring. If someone does not take it sufficiently seriously or belittles the problem it only makes things worse.

You said you need "to work on things", that may be true but trying to do so by yourself is not that good an idea, it's too big a problem, plus professional direction is needed. I would strongly suggest you follow up your resolve in posting here by going and seeking medical help.

See your GP to start with and set everything down, the cause and the current effects. If you think that might be difficult face to face - as I've found things in the past - then write it all down at your leisure and share the paper in a long appointment . Ask to see if therapy is available.

Treatment with your GP and others is confidential, you only tell those you want. You have been wronged, and I think you are getting to the stage you will be able to deal with that and overcome the effects.

Please feel free to talk here as often as you would like, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Dan,

I wanted to tell you your post is very brave. You are brave. This part really got to me...

I feel there are much more worse of people then me , people get raped and here I am trying to say how hard I have had it .....

This is the hardest feeling. Trying to justify to yourself that an act was abusive when inside you compare to what others experience and feel guilty and question yourself. I understand this feeling very very well.

But like Croix said it is about being humiliated and powerless. If you haven't experienced that it can be difficult to truly understand how deeply it hurts you.

There is nothing weak about talking about this. The opposite in my mind. It takes a strong man to be able to admit he is experiencing a problem let alone one with intimacy or dealing with the aftermath of abuse. It shows respect to your partner that you care about the impact on your relationship.

Have you been able to talk to your girlfriend about this? It doesn't have to mean you explain in detail. I simply told my now husband I did not want certain things straight up. And asked him if I ask you to stop will you? He got the point. And waited for years until I was ready to talk about it. If she is the right one for you she will work your limits. And love you anyway.

I'm with Croix... Therapy really does help. I say that from my own experience (do weekly psychotherapy with a psychiatrist). It is very difficult but does help.

I hope you feel able to keep talking here. The forums have a lot of people who understand from experience.

Please take care of yourself.

Nat

[Dan-]

Thanks for actually taking the time to reply . I will have to add that the only two people I have told is my girlfriend and my close friend ( we are all 21 ) . They listened but I got the picture that they didn’t really know how to respond to such a thing . And I only was able to tell my mate about it because I was really drunk that night , it sort of slipped out

That’s one of the problems I have is I want to receive help and get over all this nonsense , but I don’t want my parents or family finding out that this ever happened . I don’t know if that will break my mum , she already suffers from deppression and has medication for it , so for her to hear her son was molested I don’t know how she would react

Dont worry though I was looking up some places that probably understand exactly where I’m coming from ( Living Well ) is probably the place that I will go as they specialise with men .

I’d like to also add that I fled home because my Dad has his own problems he needs to figure out , when I was living at home at some points I would be forced to flee from fear of being attacked by my own father for such simple things . But that’s another story

Far out I realise the more I write down the more I understand why I have anxiety and depression, I will keep you updated on my progress here .

[Dan-]

Thanks for replying it really does mean something to me that someone out there took the time to read my post and tried to help me .

I’m sorry to hear that you have experienced the same feeling of complete powerlessness. It’s not a great feeling .

I have been able to talk to her about it ( I hate doing so because it brings back memories ) but she comes from a very sheltered and loving family , so I think she struggles to understand what has happened , what it would be like to have those problems as well as living in a hostile environment. It got to the point when my girlfriend wouldn’t come over to my house anymore because of my Dad , and my Mum being emotionally unstable . If you have ever watched stranger things my mum was such a resemblance to the kid that went missing .

but then it also makes me think of how my own family has created many more problems on top of the existing ones .I mentioned a bit on the other reply to Croix however .I managed to move out of home being an apprentice it’s very hard to survive on your own so at first my best friend who I also talked about my past with , lives with me and my girlfriend only lives 10 minutes away . It’s needed that I moved away because that environment was so toxic I don’t want to think of that either . I know I got off topic again here but that just shows you I really do need to talk to someone about all this

[Croix]

Dear Dan~

Thanks for your reply. You are in no way off-topic so don't worry about that. This place is for you talk about anything about your history, life and what is affecting you - plus how you are feeling too.

You said you'd explained what had happened to you to your girlfriend and mate. A lot of people will feel a bit stuck and powerless when told something like this. It's not they don't care or want to help, just that they don't know how and tend just to talk general stuff as a result. In some ways we have to guide people so they know what is helpful.

I'm sorry you had to leave home, I guess your parents' problems must have been going on for a long time, something that would not have helped you at all. Having an apprenticeship is pretty good though, even if the money is really too small to live on.

As for getting help, it is really the only way you are going to sort this out, and on-line does not really have the same effect as therapy. It's like a lot of things, just understanding what the problem is does not fix it, though of course it is the start. On-line does give you an idea of what to expect and how other people have gotten on.

Anyway we're very please you are talking here and hope you keep doing so

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Dan,

I was glad to see you came back to reply. Croix's latest post is solid advice (about offline therapy being the best option). I found therapy so freeing because I could talk about it all without worrying about offending or upsetting anyone with someone who really did understand. It has helped me to let go of some of the emotions when thinking about it. I really strongly recommend you try.

It can take time to find a therapist you feel safe and comfortable with and that's ok. You just keep trying until you find one that suits. It is hard to carry around all of the feelings from trauma boxed up inside. Talking felt like opening a can of worms to be honest. I felt worse at first but after a while it helped me process it. And it was like practising with a therapist to be able to talk to the people I love about it.

You're such a strong person (hope you can see this too). Facing memories of abuse and childhood problems at home is a difficult thing to do. Many people bury it. That's the easy option... Until the trauma eats away at you enough. It's harder but so much more worthwhile to speak openly.

I would love to hear more about how you go. If you haven't already there is a section here about treatments and therapies which is worth looking through.

Nat