TRIGGERING! I only really came to terms yesterday that my father abused me

[Jessksch]

So I see my psychologist monthly ( do it monthly even if you think it won't help, please go and at least talk to let it all out!).

I was having problems now with my job, not knowing how to go on or what to do with my life...

My parents both passed away from different types of cancer in one year of each other, they didn't make it past 60. As good as parents they were in the past, my father developed alcoholism and my teenager years were bad from both parties.

TRIGGERING so please only read if you can handle it:

My father would come into my room sometimes and be blind drunk, it was never in the sense of really out there sexual, but he would be naked and abuse his strength and wrestle me to the ground, telling me if I was being raped right now, how would I get out?! And if we didn't try to fight we were weak.

At 18 I was a grown woman and he was an old man, and I fought and kicked and punched him while crying. He left, looked at me crying like he was proud/sad at the same time and never did it again.

I told my psychologist and she responded with that this was still sexual abuse. Now, he was only naked this one time but it stuck with me because of it and also all the times he just came into my room to belittle me and say I will never amount to anything.

I felt so confused yesterday when she told me, I still don't see this as sexual abuse but then, my eyes are more open than they used to be...Even today I felt like something different opened up in my personality, I felt somehow stronger and not so fragile in that I would let others try to emotionally blackmail me.

My partner is going through a rough point in his life, but instead of listening like I usually do, I told him to go and talk to a professional then if he is having trouble. He seemed upset....I just feel angry, like, I can't deal with his crap right now...

I still feel very confused at the moment, I know my problems seem like nothing compared to what you are all going through and I must seem pretty insensitive in some way, it's just that this revelation really has shaken me as I still don't want to admit it was abuse, because in some way, it wasn't nice, I don't feel like I want to seem like a victim when this situation isn't as bad as what "real" victims have gone through?

[Jessksch]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply.

I will be honest, I have been looking and hoping for replies and honestly what I did with coping with this is quitting my retail job. It has been going down hill fast and it was just stressing me out at the momen ( I wouldn't reccommend this to anyone who does not have any other way to pay the bills).

I kind of feel alone at the moment: I reached out to my psychologist but I think she was busy and forgot to call back so I haven't called either ( I am empathetic that I know she is probably busy) just because I don't have the energy at the moment.

I am looking for jobs or ways to study and gain a career, but everything I want to do either requires a car ( I don't drive) or retail or being a manager (I can' deal with that).

It seems everytime I get the energy to pick myself up, things get worse. My cat isn't doing so well either now.

I'm mainly holding on because there is just one thing I want to finish before I go really.

I want to feel more positive about things, but every time I do, it seems worse things happen in a few days.

My sister said she wanted to come to visit me which I though would be great, but she told us only last week that she wanted to come in April. We already had plans but I said next year we can come and she just said "that is really sad, she could have really used the time away from family to catch up with me", and honestly, I just felt like she tried to guilt-trip me. It may sound silly but as much effort as I have done in the past to listen to people, even my partner, nobody asks anymore about how I am doing or how my day has been.

Now, I just keep quiet and don't complain about it anymore.

I appreciate the reply and I do get some strength knowing someone cares, so I'm just taking things easy for a while: drawing, eating junk food and finish my art.

Thank you, I mean it honestly.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Jess

Doing something creative like your art and drawing is often one of the best things to do when feeling lost or down. It can also be a great way of processing things.

 I hear all you are saying and it’s true, the cost of living is hard and housing affordability is at an all time high. But I think all that can be done is managing things a step at a time. A psychologist said to me once that something I can ask myself is, “what do I really need right now?”, in situations where I feel overwhelmed. I’ve found when I actually do this I can always identify something I need, which might be just sitting down and having a cup of tea and enjoying it, realising I need to move and go for a walk, have a nap, ring and talk with someone for human contact etc. It’s a case of not trying to solve everything in your life and the world, but returning to what you simply need right now.

It’s often when we do this that some of our answers about bigger questions in our lives start coming to us. It’s kind of letting go of striving and then allowing our subconscious to process on its own, and that’s often when intuition kicks in and gives us some clarity. I hope that helps a bit.

Like you I have a uni education but I’ve worked almost entirely in jobs that don’t require it, often at entry level pay. I’ve also left workplaces that were unsafe because of bullying or corrupt managers where I felt I had to for my own well being. I’ve been limited to mostly part time work because of health issues so my earning capacity has been lower. But I guess I can say I’ve kind of made peace with the limitations I have and the experiences I’ve been through. All my work experiences have taught me something about myself and about how the world sometimes works, and with each of those experiences I gained a little insight and wisdom that I could take into my next phase of life.

I think just trying to value what you do have is so important and it can be the smallest of things that bring us joy and happiness. It’s love and connection that sustains us beyond all other things.

Take care and know that things are always in flux and bad feelings don’t stay forever.