Triggered by my own child.

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎23-07-2017

It's devastating to write this... but I need help and don't know what to do.

I have a long history of trauma / abuse and have recently begun with a new psychologist for severe depression & anxiety which have plagued me for most of my life.

I'm not well... it's affecting every aspect of my life. I've started medication but I don't think it's working yet.

My children are young... and two of them have sensory issues and one in particular is CONSTANTLY touching me. Climbing one me..clawing at me...jumping on me... sitting on me. I've tried to set boundaries but he cries and feels rejected. That is all an issue in itself that needs addressing.... but for now the urgent need is me - my reaction to his touch. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that he is my child and just needs me.... the physical reaction in my body is that I need to escape him. I go tense..my heart races and I just need to get him away from me.

It's horrible... and he doesn't deserve the reaction he is getting. I don't know what to do. It's another week before I see my therapist. My partner knows it's difficult for me but has never been able to understand the magnitude of my history... he has had a very "nice" life. I have not.

I feel alone..and guilty.. and it makes me question my whole world. I'm not who I want to be.... I hate living like this and can't see a way out.

How can I undo the triggering from him? I don't ever want my children to suffer because of me... I'm worried it's too late for that - but I have to try. I just don't know how.

white knight · ‎23-07-2017

Hi blue, welcome

I hope I can help. My kids are grown but I was a very nurturing dad when they were young. One, the eldest was clingy but maybe not in the league of yours. One doctor told me "I've never seen a child pass away by crying" when I'd always pick her up.

Having said that, you might consider discussing some detachment techniques to slowly grow a space between you and your child. Just tipping the balance a little will help.

Please dont feel a failure as a parent. You are not

Also your partner has had an easier life, thats not his fault. But it would be nicer if he showed some empathy. Its not ideal trying to get understanding from a partner that cant relate to you. It results in expectations that cant be achieved. Better to work within his capabilities perhaps.

I hope other have some ideas.

Tony WK

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎24-07-2017

Thanks for your reply... yes you're right - I need to work on some detachment strategies. I'm not too sure where to start . My psych I guess. I just don't want to mess him up... I never want my kids to feel as unloved as I did by my parents.

Koriilee · ‎25-07-2017

I think I know exactly what your going through... I've been through abuse since the age of 18 months, Im now 21 & still going through it. I've had 4 sets of abuse happen within 3 years. My parents weren't the best of people either, I was neglected as a child & had my mother leave when i was 3.

I have a 3 year old and since he was born, I've always had a detachment with him (deep down I love him) but he makes me feel the way you do some days & he does exactly what your child does. He's very touchy & gets upset when i need my space. It's a very stressful situation to be in, because you want to be there for them & love them as much as possible but at the same time it's hard to do so. I suggest speaking to someone about how your feeling & coping when you face that situation. It's never easy talking to someone, especially when you think they can't help, they might judge & turn against you. Your psych should be able to help you with recongnizing the trauma that you've gone through & to help you repair yourself so you can build your relationship with your son.

You need to be in the right head space to deal with everything, including your son. You need to be better, before you can start mending the relationship between you n your son. Otherwise you'll go back to square one. You can do this!! 😊

white knight · ‎26-07-2017

Hi koriilee

Just wanted to mention your post was right b on the money.

Great reply.

Tony WK

Guest_128 · ‎26-07-2017

Hi Bell,

wow that is such a honest post.

I hear and feel you and I am sad.

Is there any family or friends that you could ask for some time out? Any chance you could get some daycare?

Sounds stupid but I have this puppy that I wasn't ready for and it has been dumped on me. I have now got used to its needs,ie walk it,wear it out,feed it. Then it will sleep so I can get stuff done. Then it starts again. When hubby comes home or my eldest son 27 it's up to them to take up the slack.

I am worried about you. Have you got a good gp? What about play groups?

I do know how you feel.

Later

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎27-07-2017

Thank you... yes you're right.. I definitely need to tell someone and work out a way forward with him for everyone's sake. This is not the parent I want to be.. it's a very sad situation at the moment.

I have asked about daycare and there are curgently no spots for him. I do have a little support from in laws.. and a few friends. I'm still fairly isolated though... and particularly at the moment when I'm feeling so unwell - I feel like people know there is something really wrong with me just by looking at me - so I'm finding it increasingly difficult even just to do mundane things like grocery shopping.

My gp is a very nice man... and very good with medical stuff but I find him very hard to speak to about mental health issues. Actually I find it very hard to talk to anyone about mental health at all. I guess that's why I came on here to begin with.

Guest_128 · ‎27-07-2017

Hi Bell,

You are a very good mother,you want the best for your children,please don't be so hard on yourself.

Im not sure but maybe get in contact with a post natal group so I don't know who it is.

Have you tried ringing the help line here, I am sure they could guide you with some organisation. (Friends on BB can you help m e here)

With your gp can you take your iPad or whatever you use , show him what you have written to us.

I am so sorry I am really felling your pain, I wish I could take your kids for a few days.

keep trying and do something nice for you

Later

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ · ‎28-07-2017

Thank you Later ...

I am seeing my psych in a few days and need to have the kids looked after so in a weird way I'm looking forward to that appointment & hope I'll be able to articulate the triggering well enough to get some help with it.

Anxiety prevents me calling help lines... I've tried a couple once before and found I can't string a sentence together. I struggle to even speak to people I know on the phone... I don't know why - just another one of the disadvantages of being shy and anxiety ridden in this life. I'm so glad for these forums though... writing is much more manageable when I feel so unwell.

Guest_128 · ‎28-07-2017

That great news, maybe write some notes to take with you.

Yes I enjoy bb, I'm not that great with technology and spelling so it does get a bit overwhelming. There are so many of us giving and receiving support and it also great to get all different opinions on topics.

Later